:: before :: March 26, 2008 :: after

[[ don't really know why i am adding this??? ]]

It's been so long, that i have neglected this site... and all my journals, for that matter. i guess it's stupid to update here, considering that i have surely lost all my usual readers. yet, something compells me tonight to write here.

like i said, it's been a long time. and a long time before that. so i am way overdue. i won't lie; i don't have the energy/strength to write a "catch-up" entry for all the lost time... but this is my life, at the present moment...

i got a job about 3 months ago. nothing important, but i am making more $$ per hour than any other job since moving to tx, so i guess that's something [?}. also, i have not quit this job, like i have done so many times, due to feeling "too stupid" or unable to handle the pressure. that is a huge milestone for me. unfortunately, the same obstacles are here for me to deal with, outisde of work. I am still extremely depressed. after attempting suicide in july 2007, and very nearly succeeding, i have kept a illegal supply of valium in my cabinet most of the time, and i contempltate when i will use it on a daily basis. i still feel i am just living for the moment (the day, the weeks...), and nothing else. honestly, it scares the hell out of me to imagine living longer than the next moneth of two.

so where does that leave me?! fuck, i wish i knew.

if anyone still reads this, i've love to hear from you. my email is "[email protected]"



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