The reason I was "rejected" is because Dr. Weltzin, the psychiatrist in charge of treatment of all the residential patients, hates me. Seriously I know he has a grudge against me and that's why he's doing this (I signed out AMA from residential after a month and I said some 'rude' things to him but they were all true). He doesn't even treat the inpatients (that's a different psychiatrist) but he still gets to decide who gets admitted to that program. Which is so fucking unfair. The assessment lady said that he decided I was not motivated enough based on my ambivalence about gaining weight. Well, DUH. I'd say less than 1% of ED'ed individuals want to gain weight. Basically he just hates me and that was the only excuse he could come up with, I'm sure.

I received this news less than 24 hours after my flight to Milwaukee was booked. I thought I was leaving this Thursday at 6am. So not only did that leave me feeling more hopeless than before, but now we have to pay extra to change my ticket (or cancel it... I don't know). As much as that unit is certainly not fun and I wanted to leave everyday when I was there, knowing I would be leaving was the only thing that kept me going this past week or so because everything just seems so hopelessly depressing.

I haven't been b/p'ing the past few days but just purging small amounts. I can't seem to make myself keep down food even if I'm not b/p'ing because my weight just goes no where and I feel so huge. I was 80 a few days ago and now have jumped up to 85 at the doctor's today. I know that I have a lot of fluid retention because my legs are swollen and my urine apparently didn't even pass for urine it was so diluted (and I hadn't even had any fluids yet that day), but even so I can't help but think that I have gained weight.I just wish I were back at 70 pounds because then I would feel more worthy of treatment. My weight is the nagging factor at the back of my mind that keeps me from trying to stop b/p'ing by keeping down more food like Michele wants me to because she says I'm too malnourished that I am going to keep having urges to b/p. I know she's right but I just can't fathom gaining even more weight. The stupid thing is that what motivates me to binge is feeling so weak physically, like I am going to faint, which leads to the desperate need to get my blood sugar levels up but I know that I will purge in the end which is just going to make me feel worse but at least for a little while I get the endorphin rush and it helps me "wake up" a little, too... it's like a fix. I am a wstumbling zombie, too dizzy to walk straight yet I still force myself into the bathroom to puke. And afterwards I do feel sort of high. Weak, but high. Less weak than before. But then the shock of it sets in and I start shaking and my blood sugar plummets and only food/sugar will stop this so that leads me into the neverending cycle. Often I will end up lying down immediately after purging because then I don't have to drink gatorade or get sugar into me in order to keep standing; I can just lie in bed where it doesn't matter if I'm too shaky to stand. And then I fall into a deep sleep and wake up with unquenchable thirst. But too much liquid and I feel like I need to puke and I can't just puke a "little" I end up expelling all liquid from my stomach so then I'm back at square one of course, still thirsty and now shaky as well. It all seems so stupid when I think about it. IT'S ALL SO ILLOGICAL.

I don't know what I'm doing. I saw a new therapist today though. I really like her. I got the recommendation from Michele. Deirdre doesn't know I'm "shopping around" for a new T. I saw another one last week but I didn't like her that much. It's going to be so hard to tell Deirdre that I want to switch. I am so bda with that sort of thing. I am seriously considering it, though. I am seeing Manda, the new one, again on Tuesday. I think she is Hawaiian, or I mean her roots are. She has beautiful deeply tan skin and black hair. Definitely wish I looked like her. Well I almost wish I looked like anyone except myself.

I saw my doc today and told her the news about Rogers. She is supposedly going to call Laureate. I say supposedly because I know she plans on it but she is extremely busy. I don't know if I would go there... it's just a possibility. The reason I hesitate is that I was looking for a short-term unit, because I know I would leave early from a longer-term program. So Laureate is probably not best for me. But it's on my insurance. I don't know.

Tonight I actually took my Trazodone since last night I ended up in bed at 6am and having to wake up at 8:30am (for the appointment) and that wasn't fun. It led to me sleeping this afternoon from 4:30 to 9:30 and that just throws me off more. I could easily stay up all night again and so I am going to make myself sleep with my 100mg of Trazodone instead. I really should get in the habit of doing this everynight. Well anyway the point of saying this is that I'm falling asleep now, goodnight.