Note: I'm adding this entry a day late due to it being lost last night. I ended up getting it back thankfully because I was writing it on Word. But I did lose it two other times before that and had to re-write it! WHAT A PAIN! / End Note :)

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Well I'm back at home now. I meant to write while in the hospital but couldn't be bothered. I was writing in a paper journal and usually at times when I could not get online, so that's why. I could type those up if anyone wanted...? Anyway, I was in the hospital Monday-Friday when I decided to leave AMA. It wasn't really helping anything and I felt like I could be just as lazy at home as I was being there [aka "bed rest"] so why stay? Also I was distressed at the rate at which I was gaining. Yes, I know, water weight. But it is still hard for me to handle, especially when there are so many girls needing 4000 calories to gain a pound! That wasn't the case this hospitalization because I was the only ED patient, but I just mean in general. I didn't befriend any of the girls there... a few were sort of nice but the rest were bitchy and strange and I just didn't get along with them. They didn't understand EDs in the least and thought of me as a freak, I could tell. I stayed in my room 90% of the time. I attended a few groups but they were only Art Therapy and Movement Therapy [what a joke!]. I liked the Art Therapy though. I drew a lot while I was there too. It has been so long since I sketched it was nice to get started again. When I stop doing something, practically anything, it's really hard for me to start up again. But I finally bit the bullet and drew something, and was very happy with the result :) I�ve also taken up drawing a few people I know online. I am feeling like they aren�t that great of portraits though so I�m shy to show them. I�m really annoyed that I can�t remember this one TFer�s name. I think her old tf name [I don�t think she�s a member now] was Tintalle, but the problem is I confuse Tintalle with Twiglet/GapKid, and I feel stupid to post a picture and not know which one it was I was drawing! I�ve been meaning to PM GapKid and ask if this picture that I was working off of is her but I�m afraid I�d seem stalker-ish ;) Because I don�t remember the address to the photo album and I had the picture saved on my computer and I�m worried they would be freaked out by that. I only saved it because it was such a beautiful composition. I knew I�d want to draw it someday. I�m going to post my drawing in hopes that someone who has been around at the old board will recognize the picture/person. If you do please tell me whether it�s Tintalle or Twiglet/GapKid! I�m going insane here not remembering. It�s not finished but this is the sketch so far:

I've also drawn luna. She is one of the most beautiful people I�ve ever seen, in my opinion. I�m going to send her the scan in a PM but I havent� figured out how to get it online yet, it�s too large. I�ve been working out of two sketchbooks and one of them is so large that the pictures won�t scan unless they are only part of a page. So I had to scan it in two pieces and they don�t fit together seamlessly. I guess I could take a digital picture of it. If only I hadn�t lost my memory card! I was such an idiot - I hid the memory card for the digicam about two weeks before I left for the hospital [I kept thinking I was going in, but then it didn�t happen for various reasons, for like two+ weeks] because I was afraid my mom would snoop through my room while I was gone and I figured then if she found the digicam she couldn�t see my pictures still, without the card. But the problem is I can�t remember where I hid it. Typical me. So until I buy another $30 card I can�t use it. Damn I do not have that kind of money to spend - it all goes to food/lax/diuretics/diet pills. I wish I could stop buying all that stuff, I�d have so much more money to spend on other things. I am really cutting back on lax though. When I took them on Sunday I was swearing by Monday, when I felt I was going to die I felt so ill, that I would �never take them again� - but how many times have I said that? I choked down all I had been stockpiling, 164 total. Taking them, I think, was the most awful part. Every swallow I was fighting my gag reflex. I did gag and throw them up once, hence the strange number 164, it would have been 175 but I threw up that 11. Then, if course, many hours later I was throwing them up along with bile. All night spend puking bile in violent spasms that shook my whole body. That may have been the worst 24 hours of my life. At any rate, I don�t want to put myself through that YET AGAIN. I have done this too many times and it�s just stupid. I think �well I�ll only take a few next time� - but �few� for me would be 50. And honestly I don�t even think I can swallow 50 again. I just get such a gag reflex from taking them now, it�s a psychosomatic thing I�m sure. I haven�t taken any since that night but that�s really only a week. I�m getting so sick just talking about this, I have to stop. I really feel queasy just from saying �laxatives�!