:: before :: thursday, september 12, 2002 :: after

the depression is mounting. no work in 2 weeks basically. i called my teacher this morning, said i didn't get much done this week because i was still sick so was it really even worthwhile for me to come in? got a long lecture about how i am a failure basically. the teacher version of the failure lecture. that at this rate i will never graduate, and over and over telling me how i am behind in this that and every subject. yes i know. do you think i don't know?!

i'm just in a really really shitty mood. i want to die. don't have the energy or guts to do it. but i want to. maybe this would be a good time to commit myself. why don't these fuckers see i'm not ok. why hasn't she gotten me a therapist yet? obviously it's not at all a priority. ouch. once again want to die. scale was shocker. 79 pounds. don't know how that's possible. who ever said you don't lose weight binging and purging was wrong cause i have been consuming thousands of calories. it's not even out of control really. i plan it all. what i want to eat. i just figured as long as i stayed no more than 84 i could handle it, for awhile. so seeing 79 was a pleasant surprise after i worked myself up over weighing for a good 20 minutes, just sure i had gained weight or at the best 84... i couldn't believe it. 75 on my scale cause it's 4 pounds less than stanford's. i had to weigh myself 5 more times throughout the day before i would believe it. too good to be true. on the other hand maybe it's not such a good sign that i am eating this much [well and puking...] and have dropped that much weight. 4 pounds in 6 days. i feel ok though. i really do. maybe it's the electrolyte water i got. it doesn't say how much potassium is in it but i guess any amount is better than the negative amounts i was eating before. yet my mom has yet to be concerned. she seemed mad i skipped exercise on tuesday. "fine [when i said i wasn't going], it's not like the class cost money or anything...[sarcasm]" but i just didn't have the strength to i was shaking too bad. i'm still sore from LAST thursday. i couldn't see the weight loss obviuously because i thought i gained or maintained but i guess i'm not the only one. my hand fit around my upper arm though today. i hadn't checked that in awhile but i know i couldn't do that at 85. i have small hands. or use to. i guess hands don't really grow when you're 18.

last time jennifer emailed she seemed mad at me. but i got 2 more this week and i don't think she's mad anymore. she sent me some hospital info. the stanford unit still hasn't moved to el camino! i can't believe that. what the hell is wrong with these lazy people. they hate the ED unit so i don't know why they haven't moved it yet. there is an outpatient program at el camino though. apparently they already had ED inpatients there before the whole stanford thing came into play. BUT it's adults only. yes i'm an adult i know but there is another catch: the outpatient program is only open to those adults who have been through the inpatient program [at el camino] so nevermind to that. i don't want to be with a bunch of emaciated 40 year olds anyway. no offense to them but that's just damn scary. i don't look scary and i would feel out of place with people so much older than me. she called mary, her old superviser, for help in finding dr. lin's number. no such luck so far. mary might send some referrals though. i have been thinking i should just see mary maybe. but i'm scared that she will try to make me gain a lot of weight. i don't know. i need someone who understands and no one does. jennifer sort of did, she understood lots of things. it's scary to have to put myself on the line again. but on the other hand i'm so lonely.