:: before :: friday, september 13, 2002 :: after

yesterday [thursday] i ended up doing nothing. after the talk with anne [my teacher] i just couldn't stop crying. i felt so desperate. i knew i needed to work. but then i couldn't help but think "what's the point?"

now it's friday afternoon. i've been up since 8am yesterday. why, i don't know. i have been on a weird schedule. weird for me but not a "normal" person. by 9pm i am exhausted. that's really unlike me cause usually i don't get sleepy until like 7am... i can barely keep my eyes open but for some reason i won't let myself go to bed.

i went up to have "breakfast" around 11:30 and my mom was at the kitchen table grading papers. there is a "bar" [the shape of a bar but it's not really a bar we just have our TV on it] that separates the kitchen table/eating area from the rest of the kitchen, and anyway i was preparing a cottage cheese sandwich in the kitchen area. my mom gets up as if to get something but it's plain as day she is just trying to sneak a peak at what i'm eating. i hate that. i hate to have someone see what i am preparing as much as i hate to be seen eating it. anyway, then, as if it's not bad enough she is seeing me make this food, she has the nerve to move her papers to the counter and just stand there at the counter doing some school thing. it is so obvious, i mean who the hell works at the kitchen counter standing up all of a sudden when they were just sitting at the table working?! i was standing at the other counter. why the hell did she have to do that. it was so rude i know exactly what she's doing she's watching me out of the corner of her eye, seeing how much of this and that i take. I CAN'T STAND HER.

she finally left for school. i had some cereal too and an english muffin and threw up. i can't stop. yesterday i threw up half an orange. the only think i keep down is pickles or veggies. i used to keep down fat free cottage cheese but i guess i broke that safe food today when i purged the cottage cheese sandwich. fruit used to be safe but now i'm afraid of the sugar and the carbs that come with it. it seems to be that i don't absorb any or barely any of the calories anymore, if i throw up, because i'm losing weight somehow. i used to think i aborbed at least half but that's impossible because i have had days where i ate thousands of calories and i gain on like 700 and lose SLOWLY on less than that and i have lost weight quickly, not slowly, and not gained. so now i'm too terrified to eat and keep it down because i'm so convinced that this is the only way i can keep from gaining weight. i am afraid that even 200 calories from fruit kept down will make me gain. and i'm terrified to gain weight. i remember being so happy [more like relieved] that i was back at 83 after gaining from 83 to 85 but now i'm just terrified of getting to 83 again i want to stay at 79 and lose more. no one notices so why bother gaining. doctor said i looked good. no joke. that was last thursday, about a week ago. i was bloated with canteloupe and brocolli and drank a lot of soda. scale said 86. i was 83 really. i wore a tanktop and my pants were falling off me. but he said i looked good so i guess i don't look nearly "too thin." blood pressure was higher than last time, 90/58. i asked what he would consider too low, he said under 80 [systolic]!!! he said i had lost a pound [weighed "87" the last time i was there, who knows what i really weighed i can't remember cause it was too long ago] but he didn't worry because i had been sick. he said i didn't have to come back [as in ever] but that if i wanted to check in i could come back in 3 months or so. how am i supposed to take that...?