when life is a numbers game...

:: before :: December 23, 2002 :: after

living, to me, is like dying over and over again. i'm drowning and just as i think i'm finally able to reach the surface and take that breath that will save my life, i'm pulled down again. weights on my ankles. forgive me if i don't make any sense. i thought that maybe i was improving. i think that some sicko is in my head saying "oh no ruth, that's improvement, you're doing good, keep it up" when really i am just doing worse and fucking myself over even more and the little tiny "sane" me is being silenced. i feel like my brain is no longer rational in the least. that's a scary thought, to know you can't even think rationally even part of the time. honestly, i think i am not far from that being a reality. when i purge i don't feel the slightest twinge of guilt, or remorse, or "this is so sick. so wrong..." nope. nothing. it's second nature. it's what i must do. the only option. sometimes i think i don't care about the number on the scale. but then i realize that i must care, or else why would i continue to throw up bile and acid and nothing more, just *sure* that there must be more food in me? if there is even one tiny particle of a crumb it must be out of me. NOW. but that's not really disturbing. i mean i'm sure lots of people are like that. what's disturbing is my complete resignation. this is me. this is how it's got to be. don't try to change, it won't work... and i would be partially right, because i've tried to change, and i just got worse. i gain, only to lose again. not even on purpose really. at least not consciously. somewhere in my subconscious i am aware that i am not doing myself an good but i don't think much anymore. about anything.

i thought i would be going into the hospital over the holiday. as it turns out my doctor is "on vacation" and won't be back until mid-january. i saw some other doctor i had never met before, for my arm, and so i didn't really feel comfortable explaining to her my history and that i thought perhaps i should go in for a little while... she didn't even ask to take my blood pressure or weigh me or anything, so it would be so out of the blue to be like "hey! lady! i think i need some help here." no, that's out of the question. that would be "attention-seeking" and just proving my mom's thoughts true. i don't want to be in the hospital right now. of course i don't want to go there and be forced to eat and gain weight. but i just don't think i can handle this trip. but it's too late now, i'm stuck and i'm going. all 75 [74? 73?] pounds of me. there will be food. lots of food. lots of relatives who have not seen me in years. some who probably don't even know i have an eating disorder. well i guess they'll soon find out. how horribly awkward this is going to be. at one point on the trip we are going up to georgetown to visit some relatives and i will be spending the night at my cousin's with just my sister. no one to "protect" me from the inevitable questions and all that damn food. like if my mom was there, obviously people aren't going to remark ""hey, ruth, why the fuck are you so skinny and why aren't you eating?" etc etc. i hate to decline food that is homeade because i worry so much that i'm insulting the hostess but i don't feel comfortable eating some casserole that i have no idea of what it's made of and i can't be purging. that's the main problem. can't purge. the grandparent's house is unreliable. i'm not risking that again... but i will be so hungry. i'll try to just restrict but there are no diet foods there. i won't have my fruit, my veggies WITHOUT butter, my nonfat cottage cheese... the only chicken i eat is that one particular kind and i know my grandma doesn't buy that and it's so expensive... I DON'T WANT TO GO. i would think of the "positives" -- there's the great shopping i always get done at this time of year, seeing kris... but i'm not sure if i *will* get to see her, and if i do it will be short i'm sure. and i will be so bloated and my edema will be worse than ever like it was in oct when i was there. i gained weight on under 500 cals/day... weight that showed up in inches and that was only a what, 5 day trip? this is 8 days. maybe 9. i can't remember. i'll get fat.

i want to be left home, alone. to carry on with my head in the clouds [~~in the toilet~~] and not think of anything. thinking hurts. when i start to think i remember school. and why i am so fucking screwed. another reason to not go. i have to write a 10+ page research paper by january something, the day i go back to school from the break, and i have not written a word nor researched at all. i was going to use this old paper, it was great. but now it's lost. so i actually have to write it. and i was told on thursday that it's due NEXT APPOINTMENT. oh fucking great. things couldn't get any better. not to mention i am supposed to do "at least a month's worth" or work over the break. and even if i *did* accomplish that [yeah right] i would still be behind. and my teacher is just sick of me and doesn't care if i almost die just so long as my fucking work is done. she always asks how i am when i come in, and i thought she actually cared about the answer.... but i always say "good" or "fine" cause you know, can't tell the truth. but this week i said "not so good" [translation: i want to die a thousand deaths] and she just said "ok well here is what your transcript says..." and carried on like i said "great! things couldn't be better!" so now i'm sure that no, she doesn't give a shit....

crap it's 5:11am already [yes i changed the date - it's not my fault the rest of the world considers midnight the start of a new day when really it's not even the end of mine]?! i have to wake up at like 10am! no sleep last night either due to insomnia and then laxatives. which made me so fucking sick today i thought i was really coming down with the flu. i sat down in the middle of target. my legs just buckled and i had to sit down. i didn't move for 10 minutes. people walked by staring at me. it was so embarassing. but i felt like if i got up it would be more embarassing... i was overcome with both nausea and needing to shit [except there was nothing left in me.... so i just had the "urge" without any results which is actually way worse] for the next week straight and i was tingly all over. i don't know why i was reacting so strongly, esp. when the effects should have worn off by then... ive taken way more before so i don't know why. i think that it was not a wise decision considering my rock bottom potassium... *needs to remember to go drink some dissolved losalt*

tomorrow is christmas eve. i will have to partake in a big dinner with lucy and her boyfriend chuck [and i'm still not sure what he has been "told" about "my issues" - all i know is he seems to always be staring at me... eating... or not eating... and i feel so awkward]. i'm dreading this so much.

~*season's greetings*~