:: before :: december 06, 2002 :: after

Today has been yucky. It started off great when I had an awful dream last night. I can�t remember 90% of it but what I do remember is that I ended up in my sister�s room with 2 huge containers full of puke and my mom was saying �I found this� or something... my grandparents were visiting for some reason, too, and had found my puke. They had been staying in my sister�s room. WHY would I puke into containers and leave it in my sister�s room?! That�s the part I don�t know, cause either that was never explained or I just don�t remember. But anyway, it was horrible! And it ended basically with me saying I just couldn�t handle going to Texas for Christmas and my mom saying ok, I could stay home. Or something. All I really remember is the whole puke confrontation... *shudders*

So I awoke from my nightmare and then I had to go to therapy. I had to tell her I don�t want to come anymore. I hate doing that; it�s so awkward. But I survived. So I can check �Get rid of Maurine� off my to-do list :) And yes, this was a good thing. She was not going to be able to help me. I don�t like her. I have to like the therapist or they won�t help me. I miss Jennifer so much still. I started crying today at Maruine�s when I said her name. It was so pathetic and I felt so embarrassed. I cannot stand crying in front of people, let alone a therapist I hardly know! I surprised myself, by crying I mean. I thought I had mastered the art of keeping it all in and not crying until I was alone. I have cried a few times in front of Jennifer and even that was horribly embarassing for me, so you can imagine how bad it was to cry in front of MAURINE! Ack. And she just stared at me. It was awful. I am so glad it�s over!

I�m really tired. I started writing this earlier, around 5pm, but then didn�t finish and now it�s 5am! Geez I need to go to bed... I was tired hours ago... why didn�t I sleep? I haven�t slept well in days. I skipped a night of sleep Thursday after doing the same thing on another night this week and that just really screwed me up. It�s like I�m beyond tired... I am so tired I am manically awake and can�t sleep. I must go force myself to do so. I�m yawning, but my eyes won�t shut. I am so bizarre.