:: before :: december 05, 2002 :: after

Blah. I hate stairs. Me and them had a little confrontation last night. Pretty much right after I posted the previous entry actually. I went upstairs and got some hot cocoa and as I was carrying it down to work on my homework [it�s like 2am at this point and I�ve got practically nothing done, of course] I slipped on the stairs to my room and fell down them :-/ cocoa went everywhere, all over my carpet, school papers, my freshly washed jeans that I wanted to wear the next day, my WHITE sweatshirt... uggh. Not to mention I really hurt my arm. Pain shot through me and it hurt so bad I threw up from the pain. You know like when you have really bad pain it can make you naseous. That�s what happened. For a while I couldn�t move it at all. My hand started to turn purple and then my forearm... like the circulation was cut off. But after a little while it started to not hurt so bad and I eventually fell asleep for a few hours. I decided to just screw school since I couldn�t get much done cause it really hurt and I was so tired I was practically delirious. Around 5am it started to hurt more again though. And got progressively worse. By the time my mom got up at 7:30 it was hurting really bad so she was going to make me a doc appt. to see if I needed an MRI. I called my teacher, told her how I couldn�t come in since I was going to the doctor. And I didn�t think I could drive at that point either. I was going to come in early next week, like Monday, but she just said she was too full and to wait until next week. So I guess I have another week to get my act together re: schoolwork. Yeah, like that�s going to happen.

So I went to the doctor at 10am and it was some doctor I�ve never met before. Someone who works with Dr. Jones, cause there are several doctors there. He was really young. Young male doctors make me uncomfortable. He reminded me of the Resident I saw at Stanford... the one who gave me a breast exam the day I was admitted. *shudder*

He was nice enough, I guess. But was acting a bit like �you didn�t need to come in, you wimp, you�re fine� which was annoying since I didn�t really want to go in the first place but my mom insisted. She was saying she thought I could have broken my arm because �your bones are so weak� uh... ok. If you�re so concerned about my BONES mom then how come you never even tried to get me back on birth control? Or get another dexa scan? Everyone just sort of forgot about the whole bone thing. Whatever. Anyway, I knew it wasn�t broken but I went anyway cause it hurt a lot. The doc thinks I tore my �bicepial tendon� which I am sure I spelled wrong. But it hurts all down my arm... not just that tendon :-/ It�s just this horrible aching and advil is not helping. I may have slightly dislocated my shoulder, again. It�s very double-jointed and pops out often but I am able to pop it back in. But it�s even more popped-out than usual. Very attractive looking hehe. I wish I had someone to show it too :-P

Oh, and the damn doctor had to ask me about my weight.

�So I see Mary Jones is following you.�
�Mmmhmmm.�
�How is that going?�
�Fine.�
�So are you seeing her to check your weight?�
�Not really. I don�t know. I guess just vitals really.�
�I see. Well I won�t weigh you, if Mary is doing that. But I do want to take your blood pressure because I see it has been low.� [he had my chart so he could see all my weigh ins and bp readings.]

So whatever, he takes my bp [sitting up] and it was fine. I hope it was all the coffee I drank [10 cups from 5am till right before the appt at 10am, I just could not wake up!] because otherwise I�m afraid I have gained a lot. I know, I�m irrational. My pulse was 56 though. That�s odd. Considering it always increases when I stand, and I was sitting, and also with all that coffee and such an increas in my bp... I would expect it to be higher.

Yesterday I kept some food down. I am sure I�m up at least 2 pounds then [too scared to look] :-/ Whatever. I don�t really care anymore. About anything. If I lose, great. If I gain, fuck, but oh well. As long as I don�t go over 80 that is. 80 is now a huge trigger for me. I need to get past this. But I just can't. *Sigh* So after grilling me if I was in therapy to "talk about 'this'" [he didn't say anorexia] he sent me on my merry way and told me to come back if it still hurt a lot in 3 days or so.

I had a cup of steamed milk [nonfat] at Peet�s on the way home. Didn�t purge it. stupid. But I need the protein. So it's ok.