:: before :: december 04, 2002 :: after

I had a weird dream last night. Then again, dreams are usually strange. Usually my dreams are so bizarre I can't even begin to write them down or describe them. This one had to do with the hospital � Stanford. Well in real life, Stanford doesn�t have a day program/partial hospitalization program for EDs, just inpatient. Or outpatient therapy and vitals/weigh ins at the ED clinic. Well in my dream that was still the case except they decided to let me do a day program. Though it didn�t exist. I thought I would be going to the hospital and being in therapy groups/meals with the other patients who were inpatients there. But instead, the times they gave me to come were times that the other patients weren�t there. Like I was supposed to go to this building where therapy was, and where meals were, but I was the only patient there. So I went and it was just me and nurses and some people that I can�t really figure out what their purpose was [again, it was a dream so things are fuzzy]. It was something like Tuesday and Thursday I show up from 8am to 3pm and then leave. I remember thinking �oh, the other patients must be there on Mondays and Wednesdays� so after a few days of this stupid program with just me there [and nothing ever happened, I just sat there and people brought me Boost and weighed me literally every hour] I decided to come on Monday instead. So I show up on Monday and all these people are there! Like at least 10 other girls and 2 boys. And there are group schedules tacked up everywhere and just a lot of stuff going on. There are meal times and real food instead of the Boost I had been given, and there were nutritional therapists who sat with the patients at the meals and talked them through it, etc. Like a real program instead of the crap I had been in when I had been there alone. So after I go in and observe all of this I go to the nurse�s station to check in like I had been doing the other days. �Hi I'm _____, checking in for the day program� and she asks me if I am an inpatient. I say no, I�m just there for the day program. She looks confused and then the head doctor comes up to me, who I had seen the previous days for my weigh ins and he asks me why I�m there since it�s Monday, not Tuesday. I say I just wanted to see what Monday was [or some other similar sentence that doesn�t make much sense but made sense at the time of the dream] and he says �Well this is for the inpatients only. You can�t be here right now with the other patients. You need to leave.� And he said this really rudely. I asked why I couldn�t be with the other patients. I said I wanted to be in group therapy with them instead of just sitting alone all day [duh assholes!] and he was like �Well you can�t. You didn�t want to be an inpatient so you can�t be here with the other inpatients because you�ll just disrupt things� !!! WTF? I was really confused because I didn�t remember all this �refusing to be an inpatient� and how I was �disruptive�... maybe that happened earlier in my dream? But I don�t recall that part at all. Then I got upset and started crying and saying I wanted to go home. The other girls started lauging at me. Saying I was hideous and telling the nurses to make me leave. I didn�t know where to go. Suddenly it was like I forgot where I was and I wanted to leave but didn�t know where to turn. I couldn�t find my car keys and it was like I lost my sense of direction because I was saying �I don�t know how to get home from here! I don�t know where I am! You can�t make me leave!� But the doctor kept saying I had to leave and then he said �If you don�t leave I�m calling security� which just made me cry more and then this guy in a police outfit [security I guess] came and yanked me backward toward the door. Then I was outside and he shut the door and I was just standing there not knowing what to do. And then I woke up. Hmm...