:: before :: december 01, 2002 :: after

well i'm still here. not at the hospital. i did go to disneyland though. i left wednesday morning and got back last night, saturday. my blood pressure improved [90/55 lying down, 81/43 standing] and i waterloaded to 80 which seemed enough to get the doctor to think i was ok to go to disneyland [she told me to bring boost, hahahaha!!]. she doesn't want me as a patient anymore. i forget if i mentioned that already. so i guess i'm through with doctor's appointments once again. i've had my fill for awhile anyway. 3 in 4 days is way too many.

i didn't purge on the trip and now i feel huge. in reality i haven't gained much. still under 80. i want to be 73 by dallas. that way i have a large "margin for error" as i like to call it. originally i just wanted to be 75 by then so i could gain 5 pounds w/o feeling like it was the end of the world. but now i think that i need to be more like 7 pounds under 80. just in case. cause not only will i gain in dallas, there is also houston to worry about. houston is where my cousin sarah is. on new year's eve [or maybe the 30th i'm not sure] i'm flying from dallas to houston to spend new year's with her. so that involves more eating. and drinking i'm sure. so i really hope i can be 73 by christmas. or less. i will not allow myself to leave if i'm not under 75. no fucking way. i have such bad edema that even a little gain makes me feel like a cow cause my limbs look so swollen and huge. disneyland was so hard for me. all that walking. i am so sore it's hard to walk. i think i gained a substantial amount of muscle though. there by 8am, back to the hotel around midnight. do the math, that's a lot of walking! we only had one leasurely meal, on thanksgiving, at the blue bayou [that's the restaurant that is in the ride 'pirates of the carribean']. my hands were swollen the whole trip and still are, though not as bad as they were. my legs were swollen too. on friday it rained all day and was cold and windy and the park was way too crowded for my liking. so friday sucked. thursday was fun though. saturday was just 8-9:30am, then breakfast with a bunch of disney characters, then back to the hotel to pack and go home. the drive sucked, 8.5 hours home and it took 10 hours to get there. my ass hurts so bad!

i'm glad to be home though. i hate my dad. my stepbrothers are annoying and immature. my stepmom gets on my nerves as well. and lucy had her boyfriend with her, and johanna had her friend robin, so i was the odd one out. i was the 9th person, making us an odd-numbered group when most rides take 2 people, and also since i had no friend, or boyfriend, or a brother to ride with i was constantly having to try to avoid my dad. he takes every opportunity like waiting in line, on the ride, etc to try to "talk" to me. I HATE THAT FUCKING BASTARD AND WISH HE WOULD DIE. ok enough rambling i'm going to go be lazy as usual. i've been up since 7am even though i went to bed at like 1:30am. i am tired but can't sleep. such is life.