:: before :: november 25, 2002 :: after

[i hate them!]

well now i don't know what's happening [insert exasperated look here]... i went back to doctor jones yesterday morning and my blood pressure was better! how? i don't know! i still puked several times the previous day, as usual. i did drink water though. i think that helped. water helps your bp cause you can have low bp from dehydration. it was electrolyte water, too. so i guess that helped. but i also took an OD of lax friday night which led to me puking bile all night... so i'm not really sure, again, how that would HELP my bp lol. on friday she literally took my bp 10 times. the gushing you listen for to know the reading was barely audible or something. my whole arm turned purple while waiting cause it was cutting off my circulation partially lol. whatever, at least she was satisfied with the reading. i think she was just happy it was higher, cause it was still technically unstable but it was much better. 89/47 lying down and 78/44 standing up. pulse was still wacko tho - went from 74 lying to 120 standing. i still have to go back monday though. which now leaves me with major decisions to make... do i waterload and thus pass the "test" on monday and go on my trip to disneyland? if i waterload and/or gain a little, and i show up on monday at like, 79, that would probably be enough of a gain so that she wouldn't want to put me inpatient. if i did that, and went to disneyland, i am sure i would gain weight there. and thus easily avoid the hospital at all. or, i just present myself at the doctor as is [i'm 74 now so i'll probably be that tomorrow morning, too] and go inpatient. at first that is what i thought i was going to do, but then i started thinking about how much weight i'd have to gain. i mean, the doctor just wanted me to get to 80 [i guess for now, she said she was willing to take things very slow in the gaining department], but stanford would not release me that low. i'd have to get above my 75% weight again. or more. they might try to keep me til 85. i don't want to be 85 again. it's been ages. it's fat. on me, yes it is. my thighs are flabby lard sacks as it is. and that's a lot of weight to gain. 11 pounds... i'm afraid it could take awhile to gain 11 pounds... it would probably take 3 or more weeks. and i am due to go to dallas christmas... i don't want to go on a trip fresh out of the hospital -- i would feel really fat, etc., and i'd be faced with HOLIDAY FOOD and not be able to purge at all like this past october when i was there [and gained several pounds]. so then i'm thinking... ok, waterload, and skip the hospital all together. but then i worry, what if my potassium is really bad.... but then i counteract that worry with "then just take some supplements, genius! plus you won't purge at disneyland and you'll be eating cause they'll be watching you every second!" but then i wonder can i really do that? i think i could in disneyland but i'm not sure about after. i'm just rambling here. but i do not know what to do! and i have to decide by monday. cripes, tomorrow! if i could stop throwing up in disneyland and take potassium and eat bananas [do they really have that much potassium? i think other foods probably have more, i will look this up] there... i'd be ok right? that is assuming my blood pressure is ok on monday. cause if it's really low again then that would make up the doc's mind anyway :[

i'm just unsure. i'm never sure of anything. i hate decisions. even if i decide to go to the hospital, i still have ANOTHER decision... which unit! B1 or G2? B1 is the adolescent. G2 is the adult psych ward, the unlocked one. adult ED patients and other psych patients who are not "dangerous" and/or are medically unstable go there. ages range from 18 to old people. but on B1, there could be very young people. and they watch you much more closely. which does NOT help me, seriously. i end up eating less when i am on "a-code" [watched after meals, snacks & meds] cause it means basically having someone stare at you all day long. you can't go to the bathroom w/o soemone watching. it's horrible. G2 they don't do that as much [so i hear, i have only been on the adolescent unit]. only if you really need it, like you haven't gained weight or your potassium is still low [i guess then they'd just assume, and put you on it]. i just don't know.