:: before :: november 22, 2002 :: after

i went to a new doctor today. the one my mom was supposed to switch me to months ago. well she finally got around to it. mary jones, the doc, wasn't supposed to take any new patients but i got lucky and she took me anyways. i think because she knows my sister [my older sister goes to her]. she's supposed to be "experienced" with EDs. so i had to go in order to stay in therapy [altho now i'm wondering why i did this, because i don't like maurine anyway, and after today i'm sure i want to switch therapists... oh well too late now] and the appointment was today. it went bad. but i guess it could have been worse. she could have been a witch. she could have tried to stick me inpatient against my will [my therapist said they can do that, if you are medically unstable, which i am, but i'm not too convinced on that]. but instead she was this warm, motherly woman. nice i guess. first i had to get my height and weight done and pee in a cup. i hate hate hate urine samples!! so i didn't want to get weighed cause i had only had 2 apples and a diet coke [1.5 pounds total, i weighed them] in me and wasn't sure how much she would overreact to my weight being under 80. i told the nurse i wanted the doctor to take my weight and planned on just saying no. dr. jones talked me into it though because i realized that she can't do jack shit about my weight even if it was like 70 [which of course it's not] so i consented just cause she was dead set on getting a "base line weight" for my chart. she wanted me to come back monday to see if i had gotten my weight up "to at least 77" or else she was going to recommend hospitalization. i say "recommend" cause she can't force me. basically, she said that she would recommend it, but if i said no, she would have to let me go as a patient because i'm a "liability" and she would just tell my mom i was medically at risk and unless i consented to the hospital she couldn't see me as an outpatient anymore. well after that lovely little chat [i wasn't worried cause it would be easy to "get my weight up" to 77 especially if i had till monday], she took my vitals. that's where things took a turn for the worst. my blood pressure was 62/40. i still can't really believe it. it didn't drop when i stood, which is good, but my pulse did increase about 45 beats per minute. i didn't know what the numbers were until a few minutes later. she just said they were "really bad" but when i wanted to know what my bp was she told me. i made her take it again cause i didn't believe it was right. but that time it was nearly the same - 64/40 even though i tried to work myself up a bit since that can raise your bp. i found out that she has admitting priveledges to stanford. she said she could admit me through the ER right then if she wanted to. but she gave me one more chance. she said she wanted me to come back the next morning at 9 to recheck my vitals and my weight. and if my blood pressure is still that low and/or i lose more weight she is going to say i need to go back to stanford, which, like i said, she wouldn't force me, but would drop me as a patient. i feel torn between not wanting a doctor at all, and saying "ok fine drop me" and knowing that she is a good doctor, a nice one, and i might just be able to tolerate her. not to mention my therapist won't see me if i don't see the doc. i'm sure that if i had lost weight tomorrow she would still give me till monday like originally planned to pull it up, but i don't think there is any way i can miraculously increase my blood pressure by like, 30 points overnight. so i guess i'm going to the hospital? things are still unclear. i want to go to disneyland. i told her about the trip. she didn't think it was a good idea. she was worried about weight at first and i kept telling her how i would gain there w/o even trying [i would, i gain on like 400 cals/day!] since there aren't exactly "diet foods" at disneyland, and my dad would be on my ass about eating every damn minute and practically force feeding me. but when she found out my bp was 62/40 that pretty much made up her mind :[

during the appointment, she almost cried. it was so awkward. her eyes were filled with tears and i just pretended i didn't notice. i mean what the hell do i say? she said "i'm afraid you will die if you don't get medical attention right away. i wouldn't say that to a new patient, obviously because it would scare them away, if i didn't really believe it. but in your case i really think it's the truth so i feel i have to tell you." and again, i was speechless. i don't know how to answer these sorts of comments. that, and i think she's overreacting. i've heard this whole speech before from therapists. they HAVE to say that, cause if they said "you're fine" they would seem unprofessional. she kept talking about how i was so starved and my mucles and brain were atrophying, etc etc but i just zoned out. i know what can happen. but how could she know if my brain was atrophying if she hadn't taken an mri?! but i didn't want to seem rude so i just kept nodding. i can tell she cares though. i mean obviously, if she was fucking near crying. oh the other thing was she hugged me when she first met me lol. it was so sudden. here i am extending my hand to shake hers and she just pulls me into this big grandma-type huh LOL. and after vitals and weight she went to get me a blanket to put over my little paper gown. i didn't say i was cold [i guess my blue hands gave it away]. she just did it without prompting. i thought that was sweet.

so i guess i am missing out on my trip then. i'm so sad about this. but i guess if my blood pressure is that low... i'm in pretty bad shape. and of course my potassium. she doesn't even know how low that is. she gave me the blood test form to go get electrolytes, blood count, thyroid, etc checked that day. i didn't do it though. my mom didn't know cause i wouldn't let dr. jones talk to her, and i didn't tell her about the blood. i hope she doesn't yell at me tomorrow. she'll know cause the results should be in tomorrow cause she checked off "STAT" which is an extra charge to get them back overnight. i'm thinking it won't matter if i got the blood taken anyway, since i've basically guaranteed myself an admit just from my weight and vitals. and after talking to kris, i think maybe, just maybe, i am a little scared for myself. kris had a low bp too when she was admitted, really low, and she had inverted t-waves, and i'm worried that maybe that could happen to my heart too. i don't want to end up having stomach surgery like she did, either. and fuck, i can't die. i don't want to die yet. i often think i do, but i don't think i really do. because things might get better. i might move to texas. that is the dream i'm holding onto. move next year, get to see kris and cameron and taylor and my cousins much more often, go to 2 year college in dallas [and then later 4 year]. things would be better if i did that. so i guess i'll comply. i do plan on insisting to at least wait until saturday night or sunday morning though, because i have plans with chelsea and brian tomorrow. yeah, chelsea and brian, you heard me right! i can't remember the last time i did something social like that. no one ever calls me. it's a long story about chels and brian. ask me on IM and i'll tell you. well i'm going to go now, i have to be up super early to go back to the doctor's. i'll be online tomorrow after the appt, i think, but everything is kind of up in the air so i'm not sure i'll be able to.