:: before :: november 22, 2002 :: after

well things have not been good. i can't believe it's been so long since i updated. the reason is johanna found my diary. she promised she wouldn't tho. after i found out and confronted her. i was so humiliated. all my secrets. the things i write in there i never intended a family member to see, obviously. i was so upset i didn't know what to do. i almost deleted my whole diary. but then i realized that was pointless since she'd already read, most likely, all of it. this was all late at night when i read the notes and discovered this, by the way. it was november 12. anyway, i look and see that johanna's online [we have 2 aol accounts, so we can be on at the same time] and she IMed me about something else. i confront her about it and she admits that yes it was she who left the notes. and i found out how she found my diary [it was an accident, but i'm still mad that she read it w/o telling me]. i was too mad to talk to her for a few days but since then i've moved on. just try to pretend nothing happened. because i can't dwell on all the things she now knows anymore. it's just too embarassing and awkward to think about. i don't blame her for worrying about me. just for invading my privacy like that. she really isn't a nasty person though. haha, here i am defending her. when i told my cousin sarah, she was defending johanna and i got so mad. and now i'm defending her! lol. i guess i will stop writing there and just write here. or maybe change my username there.

so a lot of shit has happened. besides johanna reading my diary, sarah purged for the first time. sarah my cousin, not sarah on FOD. it seems that "hands free purging" runs in the family. she just leaned over and the food came up... or so she says. after she told me about it she said:

sarah: it was weird and way too easy
sarah: and i ate really little today cuz i was afraid if i ate too much id just do it again
sarah: arggggg

i asked her if she was going to do it again and she said:

"well like i wanted to go puke after eating today like i felt it in my throat"

and god... it's just bad. she has been borderline ED a long time. we both were, and then i just sort of... took it to the "next level" so to speak. since then i have felt guilty because she hints that "well if you think you're fat, then you must think i'm fat too" and that sort of thing. at first i was freaking out thinking she would end up purging a lot and not be able to stop, then i tried to calm myself down and not overreact. but then a few days later she had done it again. i think she's done it like 3 times now. last time we talked she said she wouldn't anymore. i just hope that's true. we also talked about how i think her parents blame me for her having body image issues. even though she was like that long before i was anorexic. it really sucks but i do think they blame me at least partially. and i think now if sarah and i were to live together, it wouldn't be very good, at least for her. i think i would trigger her. some more conversation:

sarah: u are my twin tho and i think it would be cool if we lived together
sarah: like its seriously not cool how little we see each other
me: i know but i thought about living together and i am not so sure it would be a good idea
sarah: ya prolly not too healthy
me: u never made me want to be skinner sarah, just for the record. i mean u saying "yeah" when i said i wanted to get back to 95 didn't make me think i needed to anymore than i already did
me: its just that i already see how i affect you and you don't even see me everyday
me: i think it would be GOOD for me but BAD for u
sarah: how would it be good for u?
me: just cause u make me happy :) and also i can remind myself that if i think you are skinny than if i were to gain i wouldn't be fat
sarah: but i would only see how small u are want to lose?
me: maybe yea
me: and i can see, like, mealtimes and and me not wanting to eat something and that making u think twice about eating it
me: and if u lost even just 2 pounds i know everyone would blame me
sarah: hmm i see
me: cant u see that happening tho? u lose weight, ur parents say its my influenece
sarah: ya