:: before :: november 05, 2002 :: after

I guess I�m slipping again. My room is showing the tell-tale signs. I want to say I have no motivation, but I never had any in the first place. Maybe a sliver. Well that�s gone now. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will probably one of �those people� who just leads this pathetic life clouded by an eating disorder and never recovers. Maybe I will keep it a secret from everyone but my family. It will my own private pain. But I won't recover. At least not fully. Maybe I will have periods of weight gain, psuedo "recovery" -- at least in the eyes of doctors, but I don�t think I will ever really recover. I know you have to really want it and I hate that I don�t have the strength and the guts to do it, but the truth is I don�t. It�s not something you can just will yourself to want. You either do or you don�t. My mom is still completely resigned that I have any type of serious problem. I still don�t really accept the fact that I could die from this, because I feel ok. Not like I�m about to die anyway. And it�s not that I think I�m so �severe� that I�m just going to die within the next year, just that I�m pretty sure this will end up being what kills me. I hope that doesn�t sound melodramatic. I don�t mean soon, just that eventually, after years of this kind of stuff doesn�t a person have to die? i hope so. Then again, there are a lot of people much worse off than me who are still alive and kicking. What about Kate-Maree?

I try to give myself a treat when I've lost a lot of weight, but I end up purging anyway. It doesn�t even matter what I weigh. But I REALLY DO FEEL OK. I don�t lie about that sort of thing � the type of person who says they feel fine while struggling to not faint. I'm cold, but fine. Last night I was so cold it hurt. I was babysitting [uggh, I�ll write about that in a minute] and their house was F.R.E.E.Z.I.N.G. I swear, all the rich people keep their heat off. It�s like fuck you people, you can afford it you! I live in this really rich community [But I�m not rich; I am practically in Oakland tho, my zip code says so and down the street from me is the border. Altho it�s a NICE part of Oakland, not East Oakland or something] full of mansions, and all the biggest houses I�ve been in are the coldest. Like, frigid. Anyway, as the night wore on it just got colder and colder. The toe thing happened, where my toes get so cold they start to get the prickly, stinging sensation from being so numb. My lips started to turn purple-ish. I found a blanket when the kids were asleep to wrap myself up in while I did my civics homework but it was impossible to concentrate because I was shivering so much. I had on two sweatshirts too. The kids were a nightmare. Well the older girl wasn�t so bad, but the younger one was. I babysat her a year and a half ago, and she hadn�t matured a day since then! She�s the quintessential �baby� of the family. She cheats at board games and whines and yells if her sister calls her on it. She threw a tantrum for 45 minutes because her sister wouldn�t play Polly Pocket with her which she �promised� to do that morning. Poor Rebecca [the older girl], I can�t imagine living with that nightmare of a sister. Anyway, Rebecca had played stupid games with her all night, put up with her cheating and whining, and didn�t want to play. Can�t blame the kid. So Sabrina [the younger whiny brat] yelled and screamed and cried. I offered to play the damn Polly Pocket with her but no, she just wanted to whine about how Rebecca had promised and blah blah blah blah. I AM NEVER HAVING CHILDREN. This is a decision I made quite a while ago, but it is more entrenched now than ever. Sure there are some cute kids, but I don�t think I�d be so lucky as to get one like that. I�d end up with a Sabrina. I only babysit for the money. I�m a good babysitter, believe it or not. It�s not like I tell these kids I hate then :P I play the games, I bring fun stuff over, I do the dishes, etc. etc. But I hate it as a job. It�s just the only one I can get. The regular family I sit for has two boys and they are grade 9 and grade 6 so it�s not so bad. They do their homework and I basically just do my homework there and make sure they don�t kill each other :P The younger one is annoying as hell though. Again, I don�t enjoy the job lol. But I do it just cause I have a hard time saying no, and Johanna and I are the regular sitters so the mom really relies on us. Next year though I don�t plan on continuing this. ANYWAY, back to last night. It was torturous because I had to get there at 5:30pm and normally I babysit after-school hours, like 3-6, or at night, like 7pm on. So I don�t have to deal with DINNER. Last night I had to feed them dinner and I was so starving but I couldn�t eat. It was greasy salmon and some buttery rice. I didn�t even want that food [i hate fish except maybe battered & fried english style]but I was just hungry. So anyways, I had to sit there and watch them eat, then eat dessert, and try to keep my stomach from growling. By 8pm I was sucking in my breath and holding it as long as possible, then breathing, and holding it again. That was the only way I could keep my stomach from growling [didn�t want them to hear]. Normally my stomach doesn�t make such vocal noises. It was really annoying. When they went to bed I had a little time to myself. There was APPLE PIE on the counter. The box wasn�t even closed. It was fresh from a bakery. I just smelled it. I ate this little fruit cup thing and I started to get so paranoid. I thought they were filming me maybe. You know, hidden camera. To watch the babysitter. I�ve heard of that sort of thing, and all of a sudden I was convinced I was being filmed, EATING. So that stopped my munching pretty quick