i hadn't slept at all the night before, just lay in bed for a few hours listening to my heart race from all the dexatrim in my system. i was exhausted but when you're on that shit you really can't sleep. you just close your eyes and you think you're sleeping but then you realize you're not. it's nice in a way because you think that hours have passed and so feel at least a little rested even though you never actually fell asleep, but then you look at the clock and see that only 10 minutes have gone by. sometimes less. that's how it is for me anyway. it's like i'm tripping.

anyway, since i was the one dealing with his calls all week johanna agreed to be the one to call him, and since she was the one who we were "blaming" for rescheduling it made since for her to call. we were in the kitchen discussing this and then she went in the other room to call [ she laughs if i'm in the room while she's on the phone - she claims i make faces - but i don't, i swear! *innocent face* ]. a few minutes later i go to tell my mom that we're not going to dad's so we could go to comp usa to look at computers after all [ the really old broken computer that my mom uses really needs replacing and so we were going to go check out the president's day sales ]. five minutes later johanna comes to me saying that dad wants to talk to me, she says he "insists" on talking to me. great. i brace myself for the blow. i dread even talking to him for two minutes on the phone, and that is under normal circumstances. but when it's in regards to us coming over [ or saying we can't ] it's 100 times worse because it's a constant guilt-trip... of course i was right, he's on the phone trying to make me feel like the scum of the earth for not coming over. telling me i should drive over without johanna etc etc. this went on for 10 minutes and i tried to calmly explain that i did not want to come over without johanna [ she's my "buffer zone" and she helps to keep dad from attacking me about school and other things; she basically tries to keep him from just focusing on me and making me uncomfortable, which he always does ], and that she wanted to see the movie as well [ we were going to see a movie, it's all we ever do with him because at least then we don't have to talk to him as much ], so it wouldn't be "fair" for me to come over without her, etc. he just went on and on trying to make me feel guilty and telling me i was a horrible person for treating him "so disrespectfully" and "cruelly" and on and on. i can't remember word for word all he said and it wouldn't do any good to write it out here. you have to know him, you have to know the situation... or else this just sounds like meaningless, overreacting dribble. but he really has a way of making me feel like absolute shit. johanna was a doll and stood there the whole time for moral support. she kept offering to take the phone from me but i didn't want to subject her to his yelling because i figured she'd already gotten a similar lecture. but eventually i was crying too hard and she took the phone and told him off. told him that he was not helping matters and just making everyone upset and reducing me to tears and that he should not call back until he had calmed down.

then i did something very unlike me. i went to my mom's room where she had been laying down and just layed on her bed sobbing about how much i hated him. i don't usually cry in front of her. i was begging for her to let us move so we could get away from him once and for all. to another state. marin is just not far enough away from us. i wish he were dead. but since i'm not that lucky the next best thing would be to move away from him.

he didn't call back. and after i had calmed down somewhat we went to circuit city and comp usa. the day turned around somewhat cause we found a good deal on a computer. it wasn't for me but i'm glad because now my mom won't always be bitching about the broken computer! and plus it came with a printer and we had been sharing 1 printer for 3 computers and that was hard to do, lugging it up and down 2 flights of stairs [ my room is a remodeled basement ] when someone needed it.