when life is a numbers game...

:: before :: March 15, 2003 :: after

my mom got back from her teacher workshop in monterey today. she was gone last night and friday. then she took me to REI to look for ski pants. i'm going skiing this tuesday and i don't have any pants that fit. i tried on my stepbrother's old pants from when he was 10 but they didn't fit. they were too baggy and too short, not a good combination. i have snowboarding pants from last year but they're too big so i needed new ones. i'm going to ski this time though so i wanted to get some of those tight fitting stretchy ski pants. so we went to REI but they were practically out of everything ski-related which was really frustrating. they had a few types of stretchy pants but they were all too big and looked ridiculous on me. i settled for an insulating pair of "tights" [look like bike pants] to wear under a kids pair of waterproof pants. as we were standing in line to pay and i was looking foward to getting back to the car so i could sit down, the obvious question i had yet to ask myself hit me: how am i going to manage skiing all day long when i can't even walk a few blocks without needing to sit and rest? i am so out of shape, i don't think i'll be able to ski that much. all week i had been fretting over the food situation but the actually physical exertion hadn't crossed my mind. shit, i'm screwed. after seeing the doctor i thought i would not go and just use that as an excuse - say dr. lowen said i couldn't or something [i don't know what she actually thinks about this cause i didn't say anything about going skiing when i was there], but when i mentioned that i didn't want to go to johanna, she got really mad. i don't blame her... i *have* abandoned many vacations with my dad, leaving her to go without me. i didn't go on the hawaii trip, or the caribbean cruise. so i decided to go on this little ski trip because it's only a few days and i owe it to her to go. that means i can't b/p on tuesday, wednesday or thursday! three days in a row, how will i manage that? i'll be eating nothing but salads i'm assuming since the little restaurant on the slope is just nasty burgers and greasy chilli. and i'm not going to risk eating anything "unsafe" because i know i won't be able to purge effectively in the bathroom there. i wouldn't be able to rinse. i'll be so hungry though... i'll probably end up eating a lot of fruit. i hope i don't gain weight :(

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i had the dinner with my dad on friday. i had been dreading it for two weeks, ever since i found out about it. i can't stand dining out with my dad. well actually i just can't stand him period.

we went to Harris' - a STEAK HOUSE. god, of all places! i ate a plate of lettuce. er, a "ceasar salad with no dressing and no cheese" which i then picked the croutons off of. and the whole restaurant smelled like dead cow which was so very lovely. *gag*

i wore a dress of my mom's but it was too big and hung on me like a paper sack so i tied a silk ribbon around the waist which helped a lot. the dress is actually very pretty, if it fit. i has one of those droopy necks... i think maybe it's called "cowl neck"? but it's not as "droopy" as the usual cowl-neck-type sweaters, it's very subtle. and it was sleeveless and had 3 layers, and at the bottom hem you could see the 3 layers because the top layer was shortest so they overlapped and kind of had a frill to it. if you spin around it would do that cool twirly thing. then i wore johanna's black sweater with the silver sparklies all over it. my hair was blown dried and looked ok for once altho it was all parched looking, but i can't do anything about that. i thought i looked decent. at the restaurant though, when i went into the bathroom i saw myself sideways in the mirror and almost didn't believe my reflection because i thought i looked rather gaunt. it's strange how i seem to always see myself as very thin while i'm out somewhere, but not at home. for example, every movie theater i've ever been to, i thought i looked particularly thin in the bathroom mirrors. and every restaurant bathroom as well. what's up with that?

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on the subject of epsom salts, i didn't end up taking them. i found a better alternative: magnesium citrate. it's also a saline laxitive but it's a flavored liquid. i drank 3 bottles one night and 4 bottles the next and that did the trick.

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i feel like i'm slipping deeper into depression. i didn't think that was really possible, as the only thing missing from the "severity" of my depression, i felt, was a concrete suicide plan with intent to kill myself in the very near future. i still feel suicidal daily, but i know i won't go through with it at this time. i just feel like i'm not living. that i'm an empty vessel and that my soul has abandoned this useless body long ago, leaving only a vacant mind in a rotting corpse.