when life is a numbers game...

:: before :: April 27, 2003 :: after

Of course I know that an eating disorder will cause your hair to fall out, from malnourishment... but I'm shocked at the rate I'm losing my hair right now. I remember when I was first anorexic and I started to lose more hair than is "normal" and how it didn't concern me at all, in fact I was sickeningly pleased, knowing "it" was working, I was losing weight... but then as time went by the rate increased and then decreased and for a long time I wasn't losing a huge amount each day. Certainly more than is normal but it wasn't so much as to make me think I'd be going bald any time soon... now I'm afraid. I literally just lost 4 handfulls of hair. Big handfulls. The circumference of my ponytail is as big as a penny or a dime. On the back of my head I have a small bald spot. A BALD SPOT. I'm fucking 18. This hasn't quite sunken in. It's all very shallow I suppose, but I'm more upset that I have been so blind to all these little effects, brushed everything off... it isn't until you are losing handfulls of hair that you realize just how much hair you're really losing, day after day. Never mind the condition of my hair...

Oh well. What do I care anyway? I've never liked my hair. What does it matter if I have the thinning hair of an 80 year old? I wouldn't be attractive with a full head of hair so I don't think it will make much difference.

Today my glands are very swollen. Those too had sort of reached a homeostasis... they weren't swollen no matter if I b/p'ed 8 times in a day. Ironically, if I cut back on purging, they seemed to swell more. But today they are big and painful. My skin itchs all over. I feel like a dirty little heathen. I just showered, I am squeaky clean, yet I feel all itchy and dirty and unclean. Does a dry scalp cause your head to itch? I know I don't have lice... I looked through very carefully, but no matter how much I wash my hair my head is still itchy. I feel like such a dirty freak.

I think I'm going to take the cop-out. Go inpatient. Just for a very short while. I cannot face my grandparents and the party. I'm hoping that maybe I can get in a routine where I am just purging once a day. That would be nice. One b/p a day is very manageable. I don't know if I can do it, but I'm hoping... anyway, my plan is to go in on Tuesday or Wednesday [grandparents are arriving Thursday]. I know my mom will not be happy about this and want me to wait, to go to the party... but I'm figuring she will not actually tell me I can't/shouldn't since that would make her look like a bad parent, of course. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow anyway. I think I will ask her to call down to Stanford for me and try to get me a bed on G2, the [unlocked] adult psych ward. I will leave Sunday at the soonest, that's when my grandparents leave I think... so maybe I will stay a week. A week can't make me gain that much real weight, right??? I don't plan on eating all they give me... well, drinking. I'm sure I'll be on Boost. I'm also positive that I will retain like crazy... therefore who knows, I may get my weight up to 85 with all the fluids and therefore not have to sign out AMA. I think if I am up to 83 and vitals are reasonable, my signing out would not be AMA. I don't really care if it is AMA, it just makes things easier...

I know that Stanford will not be very helpful, but the reason I am going there and not another more specialized program is because it is covered on insurance, so my mom will not have to pay. I don't want to go to some place like Renfrew unless I'm ready to get better, and I'm definitely not in that place yet... I just want to get things a little more "manageable" -- and I am hoping that being in a psych unit will mean they will pay attention to my meds better than the adolescent ED unit did. I need someone to monitor my Prozac because I have a hard time remembering to take it.

So that's my plan... discuss this with my doctor tomorrow at Monday's appointment... if I can get a bed there [I don't know if I can, sometimes there is a long wait, and I am really not that sick], then I will go. They do take ED patients there -- women [and men] who are 18+ -- but it is not really their specialty... but I am actually glad about that, because it means I can get away with more.

TF is calling my name :) I haven't been on there in - *gasp* - nearly 24 hours!