I was talking to Dr. Lowen about the party and my anxiety about having my grandparents in town, and Kaitlin, you'll find this funny. She said almost the same thing as you: "Eat what you want, and if you have to throw up, go throw up." LOL! But she did want me to go to Stanford [haha, she said "Why wait until next week? Go tomorrow, stay a month!"] but I made myself very clear that this was very SHORT TERM. I still don't know if it will happen yet. Dr. Lowen is calling G2 tomorrow to see if they have any open beds. My mom knows about this, I had Dr. L tell her while I was getting my blood drawn. I told her it was going to be very short, that's it. She said on the way out that if I wanted to see Deirdre twice a week [in addition to once weekly group -- THAT WOULD BE 3 TIMES IN A WEEK! Uh, no] I could. But I'm not going to because I don't think she is even covered on our insurance and we can't afford her as it is. Plus I am not going to drive out to Concord three times a week. Plus drive out to Walnut Creek, almost as far, to see the doctor once a week too. That is just too much commuting. Speaking of which, my damn car is acting up. It keeps shaking when I stop at lights. It acts like it is about to stall. Luckilly I haven't actually stalled yet while driving but I have come close. I continue to drive it, however, because I have to have a way to get to the grocery store...

I let Dr. L weigh me today because I knew I would weigh a ton on her scale due to the fact that it's been 2 weeks since I had a bowel movement, I ate an entire jar of pickles last night, and I am very bloated. Weighed in at XX. That was not a nice number to see... :( But I know I really weigh less, so it's ok. I actually felt thin today so I can't possibly weigh XX. Normally when I take laxatives, a few days later I am down 3 or more pounds. I just hope that is the case now because I don't want to go to Stanford at this weight or higher. Today I wore shorts. Can you believe it? I hardly can. I thought my legs looked fat as usual in my mirror, but it was better than the alternative to wear jeans that show off my fat ass [these were loose running type shorts, so they exposed my thighs but were very baggy in the butt]. But at the doctor's office, in the door's reflection, I thought my legs looked very scrawny. Which is right? How can I be so FAT in one mirror and thin in another? Mirrors are just as varying as scales. It's so frustrating.

I'm scared now that I will gain weight before I go in and be some disgusting weight plus all bloated and they will say I don't need to be there because my vitals aren't even bad. I never know when I'm going to have a really bad edema episode and it would be just my luck to be looking like the Michelin Man when they call me in! I am definitely sneaking diuretics in with me. Where should I put them? In my socks? I'll have to ask cat and bear claws. I know she snuck in lax when she was on G2.

Well I haven't really anything else to say. It was a very uneventful day. I skipped school. This is the third week in a row. I am so pathetic. I wrote her a note that Johanna delivered saying I'd be in on Wednesday. That means I have to do three weeks worth of work sometime before then. Right, like that will happen. I work today [Oh great, it's 4:50am! I have to be up in like 5 hours!] but I think this will be my last day. Wednesday was supposed to be my last day but I think I'll make something up about a doctor's appointment tomorrow... if I have to go to school and stay up all night tonight, after not sleeping last night either [I dozed for an hour this afternoon, that's it], then I sure as hell am not going to work too. I can't wait to get my damn money. I am giving most of it to my mom though. I know I owe her lots...

*Forces self to go to bed*