I hate being so emotional. I am so overly sensitive to every little thing and find the worst in every situation and obsess and worry over it. I started crying today for the lamest reason ever. I have missed some episodes of my favorite shows. That wasn't what made me cry... what made me cry was that I realized it was just another thing I've given up because of this eating disorder [For example, like all those trips I mentioned in my last entry. I am always avoiding situations I used to find fun because of food. Or because I "look fat" on that day, or don't want to wear a swimsuit, etc. etc.]. See, I was watching a show and realized I had missed a lot of important stuff and so I asked Johanna about it and she was telling me how that had been in these previous episodes... and the same thing with more shows and when I added it all up it was a lot of episodes I had missed. Again, I know this is incredibly lame. And I can't really convey why I was crying over it... it's hard to explain. What I was thinking was how I used to look forward to my tv shows so much. When you have no social life, that's what happens I guess. Anyway, even if I was really depressed and having a shitty day, I would perk up a bit when I realized there was a new Gilmore Girls or something. I used to always watch tv with Johanna and over the months it's been less and less because I end up eating in my room while she and my mom are upstairs watching, and eating dinner. Nothing is enough to really elevate my mood these days. Johanna tapes all the shows so I could watch them later but lately I just don't get around to it... because I'm too busy eating and puking. I don't want to stop but I hate that I have become such a drone. I can't answer a simple question like "What makes you happy?" or "What do you like to do for hobbies?" I sit there trying to think of someting "normal" to say... the last time I was asked this question [the hobby/activity question] was by a therapist who, after I couldn't think of much and said maybe 2 things, said I was boring. Wow, you know you're pathetic when a fucking therapist who is supposed to make you feel BETTER about yourself tells you that you are a boring person. As if I didn't know that already??? I do absolutely nothing 99% of the time. I am going to fucking DIE when I have to go to college next fall. I don't think I could even pass one class let alone several...I am just so depressed, and thinking about my depression is even more depressing [Is there any other form of the word?!]... because it feels so hopeless. I feel more capable to cure my ED than I do to not be depressed. The problem is until I am not depressed, I can't/won't give up the ED. But I really think if I wasn't depressed I would at the very least have a less severe ED. One that wasn't so dominating of my life. Another depressing thought is that I caused my own depression by starving myself. I have had numerous therapists/doctors tell me that I am depressed because I am malnourished, and that many anorexic patients get depressed over time. But the thing is, I really believe I was depressed BEFORE my ED started. That is what I've always thought and I am pretty sure I'm right. I do think that I wasn't as depressed then [pre-ED] as I am not... but I was definitely not happy. I'm too afraid to find out if gaining weight/"recovering" would actually lead to me not being depressed, because I am just convinced that is bullshit and I would just end up FAT and depressed, vs. the way I am now. For instance, if someone told me that if I just ate a jar of peanut butter everyday, I would no longer be depressed, I would be happy and content and have a great life. Well, though it's a nice prospect, I think "What if it doesn't work? Then I've eaten all that PB, and I'll be fat. And I'll still be depressed." Which is why I can't accept these proposals [from the doctor, the therapist] to eat more [keep down more] and gain weight. I don't believe that would change my mind, just my body. I *wish* it would, but I don't believe it. And if I have to be depressed for the rest of my life, I'd at least like to be thin. And to have a coping mechanism. I know it's not a "healthy" one but that really doesn't matter to a person who is constantly thinking of suicide and hates herself for not having the guts to just fucking do it already.
