I'm so fucking nauseous! Last night I took my Zoloft with 5 diuretics [the long acting ones, where supposedly you just take 1/day but that never does anything for me so I have to take more], and for some reason I got so sick... I think it was the Zoloft. My heart started racing what felt like a mile a minute [but really it was only 75, but still that's quite a bit more than it was earlier, which was 52]. It got so bad that I just had to lie down because I couldn't even walk in a straight line, I was shaking so bad. I felt like I had overdosed on diet pills... then I started getting queasy a few hours later and have been ever since [this was 8 hours ago] and I was dry heaving most of the night :/ I've noticed the Zoloft makes me really jittery, like shaky. It feels like ephedra to me. Of course I know there is no ephedra in it, but the way it reacts with me is it makes my heart race and I feel shaky. I'm supposed to just take 25 mg [I just started about a week ago] to start, for a week, and then move on to 50 mg, but I started on 50 mg after a few days cause the 25 didn't cause me any side effects, but then the 50 did [heart palps etc] so I switched back to 25 for a few days... but again, I felt fine on that, so I thought I would be ok to increase it again. WHY AM I REACTING SO STRONGLY TO 50 MG?! That's like NOTHING! Uggh. I don't think it was really the diuretics... they don't cause those kind of side effects. I've taken them so many times and that never happens. Maybe it was just the combination of the two things, I don't know. But 25 mg is never going to help my depression, which is why I'm anxious to move up dosages, but I can't stand the way I felt last night [and still do] so this really sucks. I might have to switch anti-depressants AGAIN. I fucking hope not. I need a med that works! But as Deirdre would say, none of them are going to help because my "weight is too low" but I figure it's worth a try. I mean telling me that nothing will help until I gain is only making me feel more discouraged. How can a person be determined to gain weight if they feel like they want to kill themselves most of the time? I need the depression to lift so I can have some kind of motivation to live...

I took some Pepto just now [thanks Caittee for suggesting that, I can be so clueless!] but I still feel queasy and now I'm afraid I'll throw it up. I had 2 sips of tea earlier and 10 minutes later threw it up. I really need to get something into me though or I'm afraid I won't be able to drive to therapy. I have that today at noon. Last night was group but I couldn't go. I really wanted to, but I had taken 100 laxatives the night before and was still feeling the effects. I had taken them like 20 hours before I was due to leave for group so I thought I'd be fine by then, but I was still nauseous and needing to stay in a fetal position so I just didn't see how I could drive myself there [my mom couldn't drive me]. I just layed in bed feeling bad for missing it. Because I couldn't go last week, either, because of my doctor's appointment running late.

On a positive note, I dyed my hair later that evening when I felt better, and I really like the result :) I used this new dye that comes with highlights. So now my hair is a light red with some strawberry blonde and lighter blonde highlights :) But I got a glob of the highlighting stuff in one area so that looks kinda shitty but oh well I could care less lol.

I wish it were time to leave for therapy already because I want to get this over with. I'd cancel but I called last night to reschedule [originally it was Thursday] so I would really look like a flake if I called the next day to cancel... plus I'd have to pay for the appointment anyway. I just don't want to go because I feel so sick. All I want to do is curl up on bed and sleep. But I can't even sleep because Zoloft gives me insomnia. I know I should take it when I wake up, but I always take my pills before bed because that way I know I won't throw them up... but as a result of taking Zoloft at night I have been sleeping even less. Sonata is not helping me at all and I'm so sleep deprived lately.

I had a plan for today, to try to stop b/p'ing. I really need to get this under control because soon I'll be leaving for Colorado and won't be able to b/p the entire time I'm gone... that will be 8 days I think. Not only that but I won't be able to purge much, if at all, so I need to learn to frickin eat again or I'm screwed. The only way I could think to break this cycle, other than being in the hospital and basically forced to stop, would be to stuff myself on salad and veggies because I'm too afraid to eat anything else and keep it down. But now that I'm queasy it's really fucking up that plan. I made some cabbage soup this morning, so that I could eat that as well as my salad for a little variety. I hope this queasiness wears off because I want to taste it to see how it is but feel too sick at the moment.