i know i just said i was purging earlier but other than today i have actually been doing ok with that. i haven't b/p'ed (till today) for a while. eating a little. salad and nonfat chicken and green apples. purged a few times when i ate something "bad" at dinner for example when we went out to eat at a restaurant and i didn't order a dry salad like usual (got a sandwich, it was GRILLED and so good! mmm). but otherwise, it's been ok. i have no idea why really, other than my mom hovering in my face 24/7 and having no opporunity to go out, or money... johanna spent the weekend (friday-tuesday morning! one hell of a weekend!) with dad so i was left ALONE with Mother. oh fucking joy. johanna has a new schedule where she has to spend every other "weekend" (fri-tues is not a fucking weekend!) at dad's. i dread those weekends so much. not only am i left alone with my mom which sucks because she is hovering all the time and she doesn't have school so she is home way more, but it's lonely, too. johanna really is my only source of human interactment. my mom doesn't count because being with her is usually more stressful than it should be and i generally do not feel happier having spent time with her. the exceptions are if she takes me to target or we go to a movie. target because i like to look at all the picture frames, scout for new hello kitty stuff, etc, and movies because you get to sit there in silence and it's not "awkward" plus, of course, seeing a movie. i don't get out much...

but when hanna's gone, it just sucks. i am constantly trying to think of something to do with my mom to get us out of the house so she doesn't try to "clean the garage" (which is connected to my room) or something else like that. yet at the same time i am always so tired i'd really rather not do anything but sit at home. at least if johanna is here i can sit on my ass all day yet there is still someone *there* if i should desire a conversation. sometimes i just get so lonely i really want to kill myself. i'll be sitting up late at night in my room most likely, everyone is asleep... and i just think "god, i'm the biggest loser." i mean i have no friends to call then because a) if i HAD any, they'd be asleep and b) i don't have any. duh. it's that horrible loneliness when you aren't even alone (people are there, just asleep, but i also feel this when they are awake at times, too) yet you feel like you're stranded on an island like tom hanks in "castaway" and you will be alone for the rest of your painful life. at least johanna is awake pretty late so sometimes i just go in her room and sit on her bed while she's on the computer and chat with her. or not. just sit there sometimes. it helps a little. the worst thing is when i get the really lonely feeling and i go upstairs to sit in her room and i see her light is off and she's asleep :( then i really feel alone. and when she's gone at my dad's, obviously, she's not there at all.

i have been hating and hating my room more and more. it's not really ugly (nothing a good cleaning couldn't fix) but it just feels... horribly depressing in there. i can just feel the sickness and sadness when i walk through the door and i want out of there. NOW. yet i don't have anywhere else to go to be alone. and at least it has a lock so i am not so constantly paranoid about anyone seeing me eating or something. but that's really the only reason i spend time in there at all. i don't even like sleeping in there anymore. i just get so sad when i walk in and get into my bed. the loneliness increases ten fold. i've had a lot of nights where i just slept on the couch in the living room. it's not even comfortable and is kind of scratchy on bare skin, and it's too big but not cushy enough. yet i'd rather sleep there than in my room. in the mornings when my mom finds me i make up an excuse like i was reading there and fell asleep. what could i possibly say if i were to tell the truth?

in other news, i tried to dye my hair pink and it didn't work. it turned out horribly magenta and i was near tears. the fucking color it was MEANT to be was "flamingo pink" -- how on earth is that NEON MAGENTA? i was really pissed and the damn girl at the beauty place i bought the dye at said it would "be faded gone in a week" BULLSHIT. it had been a few days and i had washed my hair a million times and it had not faded one bit. i was too ugly to go out in public, that's for sure. so i had to miss group. ok, i didn't *have* to miss it. but i just couldn't face anyone with my hair that glaring. unfortunately, i had to dye it again, bleach blonde. now it is a hideous white blonde that looks like i'm an extra for "village of the damned" i kid you not. it was the only way to get my hair the right color to dye it pink though. i've been scared to. i bought some more dye and did a strand test and it looks like it is the right pink this time, a nice light bubblegum pink, but i'm still freaked out it will be a disaster. must do it tomorrow though, because i have therapy on friday and i need to fix this mess. plus i can't dye my hair alone with this type of dye. it's not the simple skirt on all over, pile on top of head and smoosh around kinda dye. if you get the tiniest bit on your scalp it stays for awhile and looks hideous so you really have to paint it on with those brush thingies. anywho, i need help with the back. my mom is leaving town friday to go to this high school choir reunion thing in dallas. i am thinking of driving up to see andria. the only thing stopping me is i am kind of "babysitting" johanna. she is old enough to stay alone but i think she still gets freaked if she's home alone at night so i would hate to do that to her. maybe i can leave super super early and stay all day saturday and drive home really late. hmm that is an idea. this would all be w/o my mom's knowledge which is the nice thing. she would never know i left. the other plan before this was just to leave early and leave a note not saying where i am just that i "had to get away a few days" or something vague like that. it's not like she could do anything, until i got home that is. and though i have never been grounded i could care less if i was when i got home because hello, what sort of life am i missing out on? "no going out" at night? oh dear lord how will i survive?! i sit at home every night, so that's no biggie. no phone? no big deal, no one calls me but doctors. and danielle. god... danielle. i feel really bad i keep blowing her off. i thought she didn't like me so i decided i better get away now before i humiliate myself and she sees what a loser i am, so i decided not to call her anymore. but then i found out some other stuff and apparently she might actually not hate me but then i just felt too tired to do anything. i was having a really rough patch especially when i talked to her last and could not for the life of me fathom meeting her at the concert she wanted me to come to... i was supposed to call her. i didn't. then i thought i would apologize profusely at group, but i didn't go (the hair). we both talked about how we never call people back, don't mean to not call back, just forget, etc etc, so i know she won't be mad. cause there were plenty of times she said she'd call and she didn't. but i still feel bad. damn it, i am so stupid. i hate myself. why do i do this to myself?! because i'm afraid of rejection is the bottom line. the concert was going to be her and some friends she just met. i don't know how she does that. just meet random people and then hook up with them later?! she told me "i love meeting new people!" and i'm thinking "holy shit, you poor girl, you have no idea what kind of person i am!" because i am so NOT like that. i am painfully shy and i would probably just make her life miserable. i'm not sure how to tell her this though. i hoped we would "bond" at laureate or something, but now that looks like it isn't happening for her, and certainly not me. i want a friend, i need a friend, but all i like to do are go to movies with like, one close friend or my sister. i used to like to shop. i guess i still do. i like concerts, if i'm with someone i do not feel self conscious around... but meeting a bunch of new people with danielle? hell no. can't do it. would feel awkward as hell. i loved going to the better than ezra concert with johanna because we both don't like to look like fools "dancing" in place so it was all good and i felt normal and not freakish and could just enjoy the music and drooling over musicians feet from my face :) i didn't know quite how social danielle was. and as appealing as getting drunk off my ass is, i'm too paranoid about calories so that idea is probably out of the question as well.

stuck in a hole. can't figure out how to get out. looks hopeless. might as well hunker down and accept my fate. that's how i'm feeling now, as always. i can't believe i used to be happy. when was that? i can't even remember what it feels like. carefree. ok i was never really carefree but at least my stress and anxiety were MANAGEABLE. so that i could think of something else at least part of the time. apparently this is like THE CAUSE of my ED or so says the nutritionist. i was brought into my doc when i was little, 6 or 8 or something, i forget, and was diagnosed with "severe anxiety" and referred to a shrink. my mom never took me, however. how typical. she probably thought i looked "less anxious" and decided i was "cured" like she has done with this ED so many times before. i asked her about this later, the doctor, and why she didnt' take me to the therapist. she says she doesn't remember any of this. hmmmm.... right. i read it in my medical records. i got all my records from birth up until i left summit pediatricts (dr. mar, who i have mentioned in older diaries, and dr. chamberlain, the first docs who "treated" me for anorexia, which really was just weigh ins.). interesting read but i'd rather have my stanford records. dr. lowen is going to help me get them so i don't have to pay 20 cents a page. it will probably take months though, knowing stanford.

well i'm going back to surfing for wallpapers. i found some really cute hello kitty ones but i'm trying to find a good lilo & stitch one. i want some of the pretty scenary and not something like like "friends" written on it which is all i'm finding. the backdrops in that movie were so gorgeous! all the watercolor. ramble ramble. blah blah.