Starting diary entries can be really hard for some reason. I always had trouble with topic sentences on essays, too, so I guess that's why. I think I need to go back to just saying "Dear Diary" haha -- so much simpler! Anyway... I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. I just cannot seem to get any energy and I'm tired all the time. It used to be that I would sleep really late and still be tired for several hours after I woke up, but then at night I would sort of wake up, like from 10pm - 3am is when I am most awake. But now I am just tired all the damn time. I'm awake, but I feel like I could go to sleep. But I don't because I know I would just lie there. Nothing is worse than being so tired and not being able to sleep. Hopefully, Trazodone will help. I went to the doctor yesterday and among other things got new meds. Now I'm on Effexor and Trazodone because it was really pointless being on Zoloft because I never took it because it made me feel so horrible. I knew I would never feel the benefits of it because I was unable to increase the dosage enough because of side effects. Anyway, I've taken 2 Effexor already and so far so good on the side effects front :) The Trazodone is to help me sleep but it's also an anti-depressant so I'm hoping that 2 anti-depressants are better than one...

The bizarre news of the appointment was that I have a bladder infection! For several months I have noticed my urine has a "fishy" smell (gross I know) and I couldn't figure out what it was because I couldn't find anything on the net about that (haha, where I look for everything) and most of the time I thought it was just my bathroom smelling funny, not my piss. I would have just asked Dr. Lowen from the start, but I always forgot to. It's like once I get in there I forget everything I wanted to ask because she is just going on about something or other. So, I forgot to ask her, and kind of forgot about the smell except when I would notice it again or something. That was before July, I am sure. But it didn't show up in my July urine sample or maybe she just didn't notice, but anyway it has been at least since July that I had this! So I'm really surprised that I don't have any other symptoms?! I was put on Cipro and I really don't want to take it. Yesterday when I went to take one but hesitated because I was taking an Effexor and was afraid if the Cipro made me puke then I'd be puking the Effexor too, and didn't want to risk it. I was thinking "If it's been this long (that I had the infection) and I'm fine, it will probably just clear up on it's own" which I guess is pretty dumb... but I'm biased against Cipro because my sister has to take it so often for her CF and it's the one that always has her running to the bathroom thinking she's going to puke. She gets nauseous if she takes it with OR without food! Plus it makes her feel out of it and drowsy. Super! Uggh. But, the weird thing is that today I have noticed I *do* have frequent urination and maybe I just didn't really notice it before. For instance I've had to pee three times in the last hour and I haven't even had anything to drink in hours (that wasn't puked) and each time I feel like I have to go it's only a tiny amount. So I guess I better take the damn Cipro unless I want to add painful urination to that list, which is something I definitely *do not* want! Ok, enough about piss!

Yesterday was just super "fun" cause I had therapy first before the doctor's. During that wonderful session I learned that my T is abandoning me and going to South Africa for a month! She's going to a wedding and since she grew up there I guess she is seeing a lot of family and friends and making a vacation out of it. She's leaving on Wednesday I think. I needed her to have a family session with me, my mom and my dad. This is the LAST thing I want to do, I'm absolutely terrified of family therapy from a really bad experience but this is something I have to do if I want to convince my dad to pay for a treatment program other than Rogers. Anyway the idea was that if my T was there she could kind of "protect" me from the onslaught my dad usually does such as detailing everything wrong with me, basically. Like this one time in family therapy when we first started it (spring 2001), this was even before Stanford, he told everyone (me, my two sisters, my mom and the therapist, who was this creepy man) in detail about how my mom had found cups of puke in my room. I knew where he was going when he started to bring it up and I said I did not think this needed to be discussed (I had already had a huge lecture/confrontation from him and my mom, I WAS FUCKING HUMILIATED ENOUGH!) and I didn't want to talk about it (I was embarrassed as hell, obviously! First of all this therapist is a complete stranger and was constantly siding with my dad on everything and in addition I didn't want my sisters to hear this). He ignored me and kept going, and I kept begging him to stop and he wouldn't. I finally ran out of there crying and heard him say through the door "See, this is what I mean by she is always running away from everything. You see how she is, don't you?" and they all continued bashing me pretty much and how "irrational" and "overdramatic" I was being. I have not been in a family therapy session that included my dad since then. Not including having my mom and dad in Dr. Case's (psychiatrist from the hospital) office with me to discuss whether I should leave or not. But that was like 5 minutes and all we talked about was me leaving the hospital pretty much. Anyway, I'm so, so terrified of having this session. Even with Deirdre there I would be terrified. But at least I would know that if my mom or dad started doing something like that - picking me apart behavior by behavior when what we were really there for was to discuss where I would go for treatment - she would stop them. And now she's going to be gone. Not just gone for this important thing but gone a fucking MONTH?! That means no group and no individual therapy. She suggested I have Michele hold the session (nutritionist) and Michele would be so frickin happy if I did that because she keeps begging me to let her lecture my parents about all the things they're doing wrong (lol) but I don't want her to be the one because she has never dealt with my dad (neither has Deirdre, but at least she knows how to stop him from saying certain things and to try to maintain my dignity) plus she is very pro-Rogers and the whole point is to convince my dad I should go somewhere else, so I'm afraid my dad would ask her if she had sent patients there and she would say yes, and that it was an excellent program. Obviously that would be bad! So now I guess I'm going to have Dr. Lowen be my "lawyer" so to speak. I asked her about this today at my appointment and she was more than happy to do it. So far the insurance company says they will pay 70% of Presbyterian so we have to convince my dad to pay the 30%... that's going to be a lot probably since this is a hospital and really expensive. My mom is very anxious to just have me do partial, however, so it actually won't end up being a lot I'm sure. She keeps saying "But you don't have to be in the inpatient, you can do the partial program, so it would be much cheaper." Every time she opens her mouth it becomes more and more obvious that she just wants me out of the house for a while because she is sick of me. Obviously if she thought I was "too ill" and that's why I needed to go, she wouldn't be saying I can just be in the IP unit for one day! It's the same thing with Laureate. She's like "Oh, but you don't have to gain that much." (the other convo I wrote about). It's such mixed messages. And I really think the only conclusion to draw is she wants me to go to treatment because she's sick of dealing with me, but doesn't actually believe my health is in danger. Well at least we agree on one thing.

Oh I forgot to say how I go to wait an hour and a half just to see the doctor! I was fucking 8 minutes late, and I even called saying so, and they told me on the phone I "might have to wait a while" and I said fine because I always have to wait, whether I am on time or not. But as I'm sitting there it becomes obvious that they have given up my 2:15 slot and completely bypassed me. So every time a new person would come in for a Lowen appointment, at 2:30 and 2:45 and 3, I got skipped over. Plus they made an announcement after I had been there an hour saying she was running 45 minutes late. That office is too damn busy. I asked Dr. Lowen how many patients she has� I was completely flabbergasted. 15,000 patients in the practice! There are 5 doctors though. She said she has between 3 and 4 thousand. Damn. Not all of them are ED patients, obviously. And a lot just come in once a year for a physical or they come once and don�t come back but are still in the system. Still though� wow. I�m amazed she remembers my name.

When I got home Johanna�s friend Charlie was over. He had been there all day and ended up leaving at 1am. Charlie�s really cool so there�s no problem there but I was kinda mad that I skipped going to Arcata because I was worried about Johanna being alone, and she ended up ignoring me anyway! Well she didn�t ignore me, but what I mean was she didn�t need me. We went out to dinner though, the three of us, and got some homework done. I really would have liked to drive up to Arcata. I had a dream on Thursday night that I had. On Friday I was still considering it, thinking I could leave as soon as the doctor was over and get there by 8pm at the latest and then leave late Saturday but then the whole doctor fiasco happened and by the time I left the office it was 5pm and then I hit traffic, OF COURSE. It was bloody hell through the tunnel and I was home at like 6pm which was obviously too late. It has to be Friday night because I needed to be home early Sunday to take my sister to a Camp Fire thing plus I am one of the �drivers� now. Something my stupid mom stuck me with because she conveniently forgot she was going to be in Dallas this weekend and signed up. I hate driving places when I don�t know how to get there and having a car full of other kids is going to be nerve-wracking if I get lost! I hope I can follow someone.

Now I�m falling asleep, thank you Trazodone.