It was a nice session though. Very relaxed (well I guess it's always "relaxed"... I don't know) and I am getting to know two of the newer girls better. I really like Jilly and Jill. Jill joined the group before Jilly but I have only had about 5 sessions with Jill and 3 with Jilly so they both seem pretty "new" to me. Jilly just seems like a really nice, funny girl. Jill is harder to read because she doesn't talk much and when she does, she is so quiet that I can barely hear her. But she has a really sweet voice, even though it's hard to hear. And my god, she is so beautiful. Normally I don't really care much for really tan skin unless it's natural but she has gotten pretty tan this summer and looks even prettier now. She has huge doe eyes and her hair looks so damn perfect too. Can you tell I'm jealous? Heh. She talked more this time so I can tell she's nice too. I do NOT like Amanda. Even now, after asking Deirdre afterwards what her name was because I couldn't remember, I am doubting that it's Amanda. But I am pretty sure that's what Deirdre said. I don't really "recognize" her yet because this was only the second session I was in with her there. She just annoys me. I can't really describe it... she just... smiles too much. Ok that sounded really bad. She just seems like one of those people that is a total airhead and I can't fathom her really having an eating disorder. I see her as dieting for a week and then calling herself anorexic. And this has nothing to do with her weight even, it's just how she acts. She was wearing this tube top tonight and she kept rubbing her arms (not because she was cold, not in that way), like in this weird kind of sexual way and kept like stretching them above her head and stuff. I'm thinking... wtf is she doing?! LOL. It was amusing though I suppose. When I say she smiles too much, what I mean is she smiles at the wrong times, at the wrong things. Like tonight when she said "My parents made me quit soccer" and Jilly asked why and she said "Cause of my heart" and then she smiled, there's an example of weird smiling! Then when I inquired exactly what was wrong with her heart she said it was her heart rate... (all said while grinning, I might add) that resting it was 65 beats per minute but standing it increased to 100 bpm. I'm thinking "That's a "heart problem"?!" I mean isn't that your standard orthostatic pulse? She's going to a CARDIOLOGIST for this?! Even Deirdre said that most likely the ED was the cause of that and that if the cardiologist knew that he probably would not be so freaked out. LOL. But anyway, throughout all this she is like, smiling, practically laughing. I'm thinking... hmm... you think you have some serious heart problem, yet you are LAUGHING? How is that funny? She was just like that with everything. Really ditzy. Lots of "I don't know" to simple questions such as "Does he know that?" (Deirdre asking her if the cardiologist knew she had an ED).

Something else kind of odd I found out is that Jill (not to be confused with Jilly, lol) has to get tubed if her weight is 1 pound below this certain level, but it's not even underweight. Which I thought was kinda odd. And it's not that she isn't eating. Apparently she's on a lot of calories and she's been following her meal plan really well lately. But regardless they are going to tube her if she doesn't gain that pound back and keep it in until she gains that 1 pound. Seems kinda silly to me. This was Center for Change's idea. That's where she came from before the group.

Two people I like that weren't there are Saga and Danielle :( I miss you Saga (Scarlet_Teeth)! And it sucks because the next group is like a month away. By then I will probably be gone to someplace like Rogers (now I'm leaning towards Rogers, I know I said I didn't want to go there, but I was misinformed... I think I was confusing it with Cornell but Gwen clearned it up for me - I'll write about this tomorrow). I REALLY need to call Danielle... maybe we can go to a movie or something next week. I need something low-key because I just don't want to end up in a situation where it's me, her and a bunch of strangers cause I would freak out. It would be cool if Saga could come too. I would ask her but I don't have her number anymore (If you're reading this PM me! hehe). Maybe we can hold our own little unofficial group of sorts ;)

- - - - - - - - -

I'm back. Now it's 4:30am... so much for getting on a better schedule. I didn't take Trazodone tonight, that's why. I plan on sleeping all day tomorrow (today I mean), I don't care. It's my mom's day off. I hate Tuesdays. She's home all day and that just sucks. I wish she would go run errands or something. But she usually does housework and grading and making calls, all from the house of course.

I just cut. I don't even know why really. I hadn't cut in so long; I don't even consider it a problem. I've been having random urges for a while and can't understand why... I guess starving and b/p'ing are not enough anymore? It wasn't so bad. 5 slashes on my ankle. It was the impulsivity of it that scares me. I just saw one of the big kitchen knives and thought "That's really sharp" and the next thing I knew I had taken it downstairs and was hunched over in bed sawing at my skin. Once I had started the familiar thoughts came back: "You deserve this you fat pig, this is your punishment."

And now all I'm left feeling is worry that when I go to Rogers or wherever, they will inevitably see this, and the other scars and think that I am pathetic because it's not really a problem, not a serious one, and they will think I was just trying to get attention. And I swear it's not a cry for attention... because I have never shown anyone, ever. I only told Deirdre about it recently but never any other T. I purposely cut only on my inner ankle (now ankles, it used to just be my left, but tonight I cut my right) and my inner, upper thighs so no one would see. I don't want anyone to see. I'm afraid they'll laugh at me.