First I put off getting up for hours because I was too tired. I had a nutritionist appointment with Michele at 2pm that I needed to get up for but I kept going back to sleep. Then I woke up for the 10th time, glanced at the clock and saw it was 1:40! Shit. Jumped out of bed only to have the speed of my pulse hit me like a ton of bricks. Fell over quite ungracefully and tried to catch my breath. I knew then I was extremely dehydrated as I was having trouble breathing and my pulse was way too fast. Got up slower, almost fainted. Somehow made it to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face. Pulled on a pair of jeans and slipped on some flip flops. Threw a hat over my head to cover up my platinum tangles and struggled up stairs. I took way too many diuretics the night before. I knew I needed to drink some water but was far too nauseous. Just the thought of swallowing had me gagging. I grabbed a can of diet gingerale and my keys and headed out the door. Made it to my car but had to stop and lean over in my seat and puke into the street (I first looked around to see that no neighbors were out, thank god they weren't). After a few heaves of bile I sat back to catch my breath and then turned on the ignition. I couldn't drink the soda because I was still too queasy. Somehow I made it to College Ave where Michele's office is. By this point I was near hallucinating. It felt like my head wasn't attached to my body and instead was floating far above me. The whole ride I stared at this little black sports car in front of me and followed it the whole way there. It's a good thing they were going to College too because I probably would have followed them all the way to San Francisco without noticing! Found a parking spot in a lot that was for Markethall but didn't care because I thought I would just stay a minute to hand Michele her check and then say I was sick and leave. I noticed some people staring as I shuffled up the steps, probably because I was hunched over like an old lady. I threw up again when I got to Michele's (this time made it to a bathroom luckily). As usual she was running a little late and so I busied myself with some rather wild hallucinations out the window. Saw a pink spotted dog, that was interesting. Rubbed my eyes and realized it was black spotted after all. Sometime into my wait (probably only a few minutes but it seemed like hours) a tall man walked into the waiting room and took a seat. I was staring at the ground but then looked up to see him looking at me through the corner of his eye. Almost said something but figured it wasn't worth the effort. Then he was called back to his appointment with someone (3 people share the space, I think 2 of them are therapists) and I was left alone again. Glanced at my watch then and it was 2:10. Finally I heard Michele's door open and heard her say my name. I thought I was standing up then but realized I hadn't moved an inch. I really felt awful. I saw her head peak around the corner then as I struggled to my feat. She started to say something but then stopped and I handed her the check and said �I don't feel so good� think I�ll go now if that's ok� really gotta go now.� But couldn't make my feet move. All I could focus on was my erratic pulse pounding in my ears. Michele grabbed my arm then as I swayed toward the wall and asked me to come sit down first. I was too tired to argue and let her half-drag me through the doorway. The couch looked very appealing then so I sank into it and stared at the floor again. Michele went and sat down at her desk. �Wow. You are so pale Ruth. What happened?�

�I don�t know. I just don�t feel so good.�

�Well I can see that! Where�s your mom?�

�She�s not here.�

�Where is she?�

�I don�t know?�

�Did she take you here? Is she parking?�

�No. I guess she�s at school? She�s working.�

�How did you get here?�

�I drove.�

She looked at me in disbelief. I could hardly believe it myself because at that point I didn�t feel like I could walk let alone drive. �You drove here?!�

�Unh huh. Yeah.�

�You are completely white. I�m going to get some water for you.�

�You already said that.�

�Well I�m shocked. You should see yourself.�

�I�m always pale! I�m just fair-skinned.�

�No, I�ve seen you do the pale-thing Ruth. Right now you�re like Marilyn Manson pale.� Then she got up and left the room a second and came back with a little Arrowhead cup of water. I laughed. Then shrugged. �I think I�m sick.� Took the cup. Stared at it. I honestly couldn't think what I was supposed to do with it. I was so out of it. I put it down cause my hands were shaking so bad it had started to slosh out.

�Well there�s a flu going around� a pretty bad one. I think I should call your mom.�

�NO! I�m fine, really. I don�t have the flu.�

�You sure?� I think maybe you do.�

�No, I don�t. I took too many diuretics ok. That�s all. I�ll be fine in a second.�

�OK. So you�re probably pretty dehydrated right now and your potassium is probably low.�

�Nah. It�s always fine.�

�Drink that water kiddo.�

I stared down at the water. I wanted to hurl. �I can�t. I�m too nauseous. I already puked twice.�

�Drink it or I�m going to call your mom and get her to come pick you up.�

�NO! Fine. Don�t call her please? I wouldn�t know what to tell her. She�ll be mad at me.� I decided it would be better to drink the tiny 3 ounce cup of water than have my mom called so I took a sip.

�She won�t be mad. And I don�t think you�re going to have to tell her anything. One look at you and it�s pretty obvious something�s wrong. I don�t think you should drive. Drink some more.�

Uggh. I took another sip. �This is way too much water.�

�That isn�t even half a cup! If you don�t drink it I�m going to have to call your mom.�

�It�s too cold.�

She got up and took the water and came back with some from the tap and handed me the cup again. �How about some Gatorade? Orange juice? I�ve got some orange juice in the kitchen. Let me get it.�

�No that�s ok. I�m fine.�

�You want a piece of fruit?�

I shook my head.

�Orange? Apple? Half a banana? Cantaloupe? Here I�ve got some cantaloupe from lunch. She picked up a bag on her desk. I shook my head again.

She sighed and sat back down at her desk. �Kiddo, kiddo, kiddo� what am I going to do with you?!�

�Sorry.�

�How many did you take?�

�Uh� 11.� (They�re the 24-hour ones you�re supposed to take 1 per day)

I don�t really remember what else was said then. Something nutrition-related. By that point I knew I would stay for the appointment; inertia had once again set in and I didn�t want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay glued to that couch for all eternity. We talked about Rogers and I told her how I had decided to go there because it would just be easier than fight with my dad to pay for a more expensive program. Mostly Michele talked and I pretended to hear and understand what she was saying when really I was lost in my own world, though not on purpose. I asked her why my potassium is always fine. She explained I have �super kidneys� and how I am drawing all the electrolytes my body needs from my muscles. She told me about another patient of hers who is in end-stage renal failure. How some people�s potassium drops immediately and for whatever reason they can�t draw out the potassium from their muscles like my body does. She added, at the end, �But it�s only a matter of time. Before your kidneys give out. They can�t keep this up forever.� I started wondering if that happened, would anyone give me a kidney? Or would they simply say �You did this to yourself.� ?

When I remembered my doctor�s appointment I had coming up, I looked at my watch and it was 2:57. �I really have to go now. I have a doctor�s appointment.�

�How are you planning on getting there?�

�My mom�s driving me. She�s meeting me at home.�

�Finish your water first.�

The cup was still 3/4 of the way full. That damn 3 ounce cup seemed huge. �I can�t. I feel too sick.� She reminded me if I didn�t drink it she was calling my mom. I drank it. I wanted to puke, but I drank it. She reached into her desk and pulled out a Cliff Bar.

�You want a Cliff Bar?�

�No thanks.�

�Come on, have a Cliff Bar. I have Peanut Butter or Chocolate Chip. Which would you like?�

�No thanks.�

�Just eat half. 2 bites. 2 bites! Come on.�

�That�s ok. I don�t want it, really.�

She kept trying to get me to eat the damn Cliff Bar. What part of �I WANT TO PUKE� doesn�t she get?! Then she started in with the damn canteloupe again, lol. Finally she gave up trying to make me eat something and said �OK let me see you stand up.�

I stood up. Felt my heart go haywire again. �See, I�m fine. Really.� I stumbled out the door and back to my car. I tried to will my pulse to slow down. Then I drove home, because I had to. Got inside and swallowed the regurgitated water that had found its way back up my throat. Gross. The phone rang a minute later and it was Michele making sure I made it home. Seconds later my mom walked in the door. And, of course, she didn�t notice that I was about to pass out. Because I�m always fine, fine, fine. Pale? Nah. Dizzy? Of course not -- I always walk swaying from side to side!

In the car we only made it a few blocks before I thought I needed to puke again. �I feel really sick.� I said.

�You�re probably car sick. Stop reading!� (I was reading a magazine. And I don�t get car sick. I always read in the car.)

Somehow I made it to the doctor�s without barfing. We parked a block away even though there was a spot right in front. I HATE HOW MY MOM ALWAYS DOES THAT! Like it�s a crime to park closer?! I went ahead while she put money in the meter and at the top of the stairs of the doctor�s building I puked all of the sudden and got bile all over my foot :( When my mom got up there I was still hunched over. �Aw, did you throw up hun? You really don�t feel well huh?� Hmm� YA THINK?! NOW she cares all the sudden?!

We took the elevator up and then I had to throw up again so I told her to go tell the receptionist I was there and I went to the bathroom down the hall and threw up again. Then I staggered to the doctor�s office and collapsed into a chair, barely able to breathe with my fucking pulse going crazy while my mom sat and read a magazine. Then, to make matters worse, after half an hour of waiting a nurse came out and said that Dr. Lowen (my doc) was running an hour and a half late! So I had to sit like that for almost two hours. At one point I actually slid out of the chair onto the floor because I had been sitting too far on the edge without realizing it. By the time a nurse called me back I could barely walk and felt like my knees were going to give out under my weight. She took my vitals and then I had to wait for Dr. Lowen. Luckily there is bed/padded exam table so I just lie there and zoned out for I'm guessing 20 minutes before she came in. When she did she said my pulse was "doing crazy things" and asked me what I had "done to myself" :er: I never actually admitted to taking so many diuretics I just said I was sick and couldn't keep anything down and ad thrown up water so I was probably just dehydrated. She launched into another "We need to get you into a program!" tirades but this time I was able to tell her that I would go to Rogers and was just waiting to do the phone interview so she was happy then and said she'd call them first thing Monday. I had to get an EKG and blood work unfortunately, for the hospital, so that took a little while. My mom just sprung this on me in the waiting room and so I was worried because of my fresh cuts on my ankle. I asked Dr. Lowen if they had to put electrodes on my ankle for the EKG and while I was lying there so pushed up my pant leg to check my ankles for swelling (they're almost always swollen from edema) and saw :/ She was really nice about it though. Just said "Aww honey... when did this happen?" and then she said she'd get a dressing to cover it up so that the nurses "wouldn't freak out, because they don't always understand." Bandaged my ankle up and then sent the nurse in to do the EKG. Then Dr. L came back in and said that since my pulse was so bad I needed to get an IV at the infusion center of John Muir (hospital nearby). My pulse there was 72 lying down and 160 standing up, no wonder I felt like shit! Then she helped me down off the table and I got weighed (I'm huge, for the record) which I was too out of it to refuse this time and just didn't give a fuck. Then she walked me down the hall and talked the lab into drawing blood for me even though they were supposed to have closed (the technician is so nice). Uggh, they took 4 vials! Normally they take only a little but I guess it was cause Rogers wanted more than the usual tests. When I got done with the blood collector I came back and Dr. Lowen said the infusion center was closed now so I had to go to the ER. She had called down there and they said it was no problem and to come on down. She wanted me admitted for a few days because she was worried about my pulse but I talked her into just getting the IV. John Muir, for one thing, has no ED unit or anything so I'd just be on a medical unit and didn't see the point of that when I could just get an IV and then go home. Then she hugged me and I left. She's so sweet but I still feel kind of like... why are you so nice to me? I guess just because she's a mother.

Out in the waiting room Dr. Lowen had already talked to my mom so we left then and headed to the ER. I had to wait around for so long even though the ER waiting room was EMPTY! I was the only one in there for the longest time and I still had to wait like an hour before I saw the triage nurse who asked me all sorts of ED questions and it was so awkward because my mom was right there. Eventually I got back to a little room and saw a very annoying doctor. "So, you have an eating disorder?" (I nod). "So, um, what is that?" I was thinking "WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU!?!" but then he went on to correct himself saying "I mean, tell me about that." Uh... ok doctor weirdo. I didn't really say anything and so then he asked my mom if I was "being treated" and she said way more than necessary about how I have a doctor and a therapist and a nutritionist and blah blah blah and how I just came from my doctor's office to get some fluids because I was puking anything I ate. Then the doctor questioned why I was throwing up and didn't even seem to believe me when I said I was nauseous. He asked me if I had pain and I said just a headache (which was really bad by this point) and he had me do the pain scale where you rate it. I hate those things because I always underrate my pain so I tried to be really honest this time and said 7 even tho it felt like a 9.5 and he looked incredulous and was like "A 7? That bad?" and I'm thinking yeah, fuck you buddy! No one offered me any advil or tylenol when I said I had a headache, either. Fucker. Finally he was like "Well I think you need some fluids because you're so dehydrated so I'm going to get the nurse to start an IV" gee, thanks for that expert opinion. I was only sent there FOR DEHYDRATION! Things are so slow in hospitals. I was thinking I wonder how many people die while waiting to be seen by a doctor...

I had 2 liters of water pumped into me and then they got my test results back (took MORE blood because they couldn't get ahold of my doctor's office blood results) which said my potassium was 2.7 so then they said I had to get an IV of potassium, too. How unfair that the one time my damn potassium is off in sooooo long, my mom is sitting right there to hear it! So I'm sure she was thinking it was because I've been throwing up a lot (and not just that day) which was awkward and embarrassing and I wished so much that she hadn't been there cause she was just sitting there in the room and there was no TV or anything and it took so long! I asked to just take the oral supplement but the doc said it was too low and I'd have to take an oral supplement AND get an IV of potassium. The oral stuff was the nastiest thing I have ever had to drink in my life. It was a liquid not a pill and it was like salt water with a nasty fake orange flavor. So, salty, unnatural orange liquid! The tiny cup of water was not nearly enough to get THAT taste out of my mouth. The IVs took a long time and the potassium took even longer because it hurt so badly going in my veins that he had to have it go in really slowly. I was so cold by this point too because I had had almost 2 liters of cool water pumped into my vein already. Finally at 11:30pm I got discharged with a little piece of paper that says "Vomiting" at the top and then defines what vomiting is! Uh... ok. It is the dumbest thing ever it's kind of funny though. Like anyone would be so stupid as to not know what can cause vomiting?!

Finally I was back home and my mom went out for take-out and I had a very lovely sandwich from Crepevine, puked, and then read for a few hours before falling asleep. My legs were so swollen though, before I went to bed, from all the IV fluids that I couldn't stand it and took diuretics before I went to sleep. Yeah, who learned her lesson?! But I didn't take nearly as many so it's not a big deal. I still felt pretty stupid though...

That brings me to Saturday which was spent sleeping. And Sunday which was also spent sleeping. I forgot to post this on Saturday and Sunday and now it's Monday morning. I have to call Rogers soon to do the intake interview on the phone. Apparently they have a bed available right now, or at least they did on Friday, so I might be going soon... that's both the good and bad news. I'm really panicking now, about going. I feel so fat and I'm afraid I'll be the fattest and the youngest person on my floor. I'm also dreading the family therapy. I guess I could refuse it but then my parents would kill me... I guess I shouldn't worry about that until I absolutely have to.