� I checked out some apartment buildings in person and my mom and Kristina�s mom discussed us living together (her mom wants to wait 6 months, so I might move sooner and live alone at first, but I don�t have enough money yet)

� Kristina ended up in the ER with symptoms of food poisoning so as far as we know that is what it was but the damn doctors kept implying that it was laxatives, which I know for a fact it wasn�t because I spent every second with her that whole day (we even followed each other into bathroom stalls for purging support) and she never had a chance to buy or consume them, not to mention she wouldn�t lie to me, NOT TO MENTION, why on earth would anyone who has had an ED that long take laxatives and then, when they hit you, exclaim that you feel like you�re dying and you think you need to go to the ER?! It was so fucked up. I went with her and we were there from 11pm the night before my birthday until 5am when they finally put us in an ER room, and then we STILL had to wait hours to see the doctor. Her mom took me home around 10am I think, but poor Kristina was there all day. It wrecked my birthday plans and I ended up spending the day hallucinating in the backroom where I sleep, occasionally wandering into the kitchen and asking my grandpa, who doesn�t cook, to cook things for me, and scaring the living shit out of my sister (Johanna) who really thought I had lost my mind and called my mom, who was out with my grandma and sister, to come home because I was �acting crazy� but my mom saw nothing wrong with me, so left again. I don�t remember that part � her coming home. Apparently during that short time span (maybe an hour) I also had a very important conversation with my dad about school and told him about my plans to move and everything! I would have fucking liked to have that conversation when I was MENTALLY ALERT! I was completely sleep-talking, or something. I have been known to talk in my sleep and my mom can ask me questions when I�m asleep and I will answer them correctly and logically without even being awake and will later have no recollection of ever being �woken up� or spoken to. So I guess that is what happened some of that day � I was walking around, I appeared awake, and when I was spoken to I must have replied normally so they just thought I was sleepy from being awake all night in the ER. Anyway, the other part of the day was spent either in actual sleep induced by Ambien which I took half my dosage of because I knew I�d never actually get any decent sleep without it, and like I said hallucinating. I was sitting alone in a room, �talking to my suitcase� according to Johanna. I remember the hallucinations cleary so I know I was awake for all of that. I could literally quote what I had said to the �people� (folds of blankets, clothing, golf clubs) and what they had said to me when I was telling Kristina about it later. It was so funny to talk about!! They weren�t scary hallucinations at all, and at the time I knew that I was hallucinating but it was so convincing I was content to just play along, lol. My sister checked on me a few times and every time I was still talking to my suitcase or bed or something or other. It lasted hours.

� I got through a birthday without purging which hasn�t happened in years. Both Kris and I did very well that day and dinner was so good because I got my favorite soup that I never let myself eat unless I�m going to puke and my cake was fucking awesome.

� Ironically, the day that Kristina ended up getting really sick (it was around 10pm when she started to get a bad stomach ache, we both had �epiphanies� of sorts regarding our eating disorders (Realizing we had to either recover or die, and not wanting to die because we have plans together for the near future, realizing that if we aren�t satisfied with our bodies at an emaciated weight then we might as well gain the weight and be unhappy there but at least be fucking living and have a life because we have no life with this stupid ED and just wanting to be normal and to have time to worry about other things. This didn�t happen at like, the exact moment, by the way, my epiphany was about 12 hours earlier than hers but then I started to change my mind and get depressed when I thought Kristina wanted to stay sick, and I could see I was never going to be able to live with her if she didn�t get better, and Kristina was/is honestly the only reason I am trying to recover at all, because she told me I trigger her and I can�t stand that I trigger her, and I know that if I want her to get better, I have to get better as well, plus I know I can�t be this sick and expect to have a productive or happy life. Before, neither of us had ever actually �wanted to recover� and once we decided to recover we were able to help each other a lot in other ways that before like taking 2 hours to eat a safe dinner because that�s how long we needed to make room for a bowl of salad with some protein on it (binging is one thing, but when it comes to keeping food in, just eating a regular meal, it�s not easy because I get full very fast). We tried to just avoid the bathroom for hours because of how full we felt and we both kept having to swallow regurgitated mouthfuls of food which have a nasty habit of coming up on their own but we had too much diet coke so we just went to the bathroom together no matter what, all day (from that day on we kept that up most of the time because we both know that just being in a separate stall is too hard of an opportunity to resist).

� I only binged and purged a few times (gone 8 days), and I think I never purged more than once in a day. I did restrict a lot some days, but also did keep down a lot of food.

� Kristina and I went to Whole Foods inquiring about jobs there and the cashier manager really liked us and told us to fill out the applications and come back. Since then, however, I decided to work at the one near me first, and then transfer, which is what my mom�s friend who is a caterer for Whole Foods suggested).

� I saw Carrie!!! (from Rader) my first night I got in because she was at her mom�s house visiting. She grew up in Dallas and went to a private school that Kristina knows of, and Carrie knows of Kristina�s old school, so they had Dallas and stuck-up private schools in common (and, duh, their EDs) and I was glad that Kristina got to meet Carrie, because now she *knows* who I�m talking referring to when I talk about her. Sadly Carrie was leaving the next morning so I could only see her that one night, but I was happy because she was going to go to Mirasol for treatment. We had a lot of fun drinking Corona, smoking and catching up. I had 8 beers there with Carrie and swore I wasn�t drunk at all (my Adderall is altering the rate at which alcohol affects me; normally I feel it right away, even beer, but I wasn�t feeling anything at first) and I swear I felt only the slightest bit tipsy at that point. We all went to this bar/restaurant Snuffers and binged very obviously (I didn�t even really want to but it was Carrie�s last night before leaving for Mirasol and I didn�t want to feel left out, so�) and while I was eating all the beer hit me (as well as a Cosmo) right as Carrie was saying we needed to go because she had to get up really early, and I couldn�t walk straight and was so fucking drunk and stumbling to the bathroom to puke the quesadillas. The employees there hated us haha.

� Over a few days with Kristina we consumed 6 bottles of champagne (plus beer) and got totally fucking wasted more than a few times. The first night we drank together we consumed 3 bottles of champagne, and I also had 3 beers. I remember having tons of fun but apparently I blacked out a lot, and so did Kris, because she was telling me stuff that happened and I had absolutely no recollection whatever. I don�t remember, for example, that I literally spent HOURS in the bathroom puking. I don�t remember that at all. I don�t remember Kristina and I lying on the bathroom floor unable to move, either. I think there are like 4 hours that are totally gone and next thing I remember is crawling into bed beside Kris and it was morning.

� One night after b/ping we met some hot college guys at 7-11 where we were getting sodas, while wearing our PJs and no makeup whatsoever, and they were actually hitting on us and I impressed them by chugging their tequila which, apparently, is really damn strong! I really only talked to one of them, I only talked to the other 2 to get their tequila but the guy I talked to was so nice but we all drove off in a hurry because the guys saw the 7-11 employee, who was an asshole and tried to rip Kristina and I off on cookies an hour before, looking at their license plate and calling someone (obviously the cops) so we lost them after that.

� It was confirmed that yes, Cameron is in rehab right now in Austin (his mom was staying with us recently right after I got out of Rader for the 3rd time and they were talking about if they were going to send him or not). I can�t call him, which really sucks, but I can write to him. Becky (his mom) told him I was in town and she said he kept saying he wished he was there and that he could see me and to tell me he�s sorry he�s not there. Aw. I don�t understand why only family can call when family members can be a whole lot more fucked up than friends. FUCKING INTERVIEW ME IF YOU WANT!! But anyway, I did not get to see Cameron which sucked but I was plenty busy with Kristina so it was ok. I didn�t get to see Taylor (his younger sister) either because she was on a school trip.

Besides a lot of boring stuff like shopping shopping shopping and having to drive to Waco, Texas to meet half-way between Dallas and Georgetown to have lunch with some relatives from around Georgetown, that�s pretty much it and brings me to Friday night, my last night in Dallas. After having taught Kristina how to sneak out her window, she now has it perfected and so she snuck out and I picked her up and we I returned to our beloved parking lot, made out, and drank 2 bottles of champagne (we decided we should �go easy� and not get �too drunk� � lol � though it was an improvement from the night where we both were so drunk we blacked out, a lot). After puking (Cookies were involved in this madness as well, of course) we went down to Deep Elm (I think it is pronounced �Ell-um� so I probably spelled it wrong, but it�s an area in Dallas where there are lots of clubs, tattoo parlors, etc). We ended up snorting coke through a 100 dollar bill in the bathroom of a caf�. In that same caf� Robbie (the guy who gave us the coke) and I got in trouble for kissing at the bar, although no one minded at all that Kris and I were all over each other. Despite referring to her as my girlfriend repeatedly, I later fucked the guy who gave Kristina and I the coke, then we all went to a �bar� that I think was just covering as a bar because they kept asking Rob if anyone saw him come in. Bumped all the coke Rob had left (just one small hit), desperate for more, and then they made us leave because this dude was so paranoid, he thought cops were coming to get him (there was no cop in sight). After that the three of us went to Rob�s car which was parked close and later I met a homeless guy named Daniel that Kristina had been talking to while I was doing god knows what in Robbie�s car (I don�t remember everything that clearly but I do remember I insisted I wouldn�t do a damn thing without condoms so he bought some (which, duh, I made sure to use), and I never gave him a blow job cause I find that vile and refuse to do it, so I should be fine). He seemed nice and I remember Robbie (the guy I fucked) kept checking on Kristina while she was out there on the curb (right by us) while she was talking to him to make sure she was ok. He was very nice, by the way, he didn�t even ask me to give him a blow job. If he had I would have ditched him right there. When we had sex he was more concerned with me coming than himself which is so weird considering that well, first of all he�s a guy and second of all he�s some random guy I didn�t even know barely. Obviously my opinion may be considered moot since I was drunk when I met him but even when I�m drunk I have pretty strong instincts. It�s not like he made me do the coke. On the contrary, we met him and his friends or something (I don�t remember anyone else with him) outside a club and Kris asked them if they had any weed. He said he didn�t have any weed, he only had coke. Personally I didn�t even want to smoke weed since I�ve done that so many times and it�s not all that great. I wanted the coke and I wanted it bad, so I did it. Later, I asked Robbie if he had anymore. I certainly wasn�t forced to do anything, be it snort coke or have sex with him or whatever. I�m not really sure what came over me that night in regards to just fucking some random guy cause that is *not* something I would normally do (but honestly, I�d probably try every drug out there that was offered to me)� I do remember saying to Kris (who, by the way, I first made out with when we were slightly drunk in a parking lot, drinking champagne and then apparently lots at the caf� and bar she says, but I don�t remember kissing her anywhere else but in the parking lot. And I know that with Kristina there are certainly feelings of love behind the drunkenness on both our parts so that was nice) that I wanted to just go fuck some random guy (�or girl, I don�t care� which spurred an interesting conversation lol), before we even got down to Deep Elm. I don�t know why. I can only speculate because I had a bottle of champagne and 3 beers in me at the time. I think I wanted to just not be me because promiscuous, sexy and confident is certainly not me, but that�s apparently who I was that night. Not to mention that I was high on coke before I had even kissed him, so that might have something to do with my sudden urge to shag. Because I�ve often felt the urge to do something like that simply to escape from myself but I never end up doing it, and coke is the only difference. ???

Anyway, back to Robbie�s car. I remember he really wanted me to come back to his place which was kind of far and also offered to get a hotel room but like I said I still have instincts and I�m not fucking stupid so no way in hell was I going to do that. He told me to be careful around Daniel. I said �Why, do you know him?� he said �No, I�ve just seen him around.� He never really gave a reason but was very adamant about me and Kristina getting home and wanted to drive us to our car. I can�t blame Kris for not wanting to get in his car I guess, but I know I would have been safe and he would have taken me to his car because I really do have good fucking instincts but anyway, I told Kris he�d give us a ride to our car and she said no, we�d walk, it was close (it was). In the end I got out and he kept telling me to call when we got home so he�d know that we were safe because he was going to worry about me. So anyway that�s when I met Daniel. Since I had used my instincts with Robbie that night and Kris hadn�t told me I was wrong, I felt I should do the same with her�. she liked Daniel (nothing other than in a friendly way) and she told me she knew he was harmless. I asked her if she was SURE. She said �Yeah, we�ve been sitting here talking for the past half an hour or an hour or so and I�ve practically told him my life story. He�s really cool. I just have a feeling he won�t hurt us. I told him about how I was raped twice and he was raped when he was a kid.� She said some more, I don�t remember. But anyway, I said �Ok, I trust you� so we all walked back to my car. It was good to have him with us at that time because there were some shady looking characters around. It was already getting light, that�s how late/early it was and we�d been out literally all night (tho some was spent in the parking lot drinking and binging and making out, lol). Kristina was right about Daniel not hurting her or coming on to her in any way�. he did however start to get touchy-feely with me while we were walking, and in the car (I wasn�t driving, so Kris probably wasn�t aware of this, and I never told her). I got the sense that he was just very lonely though and I do agree that he wasn�t going to rape either one of us, and we certainly didn�t have any money to steal (I had $1 and some change) and he just seemed happy for the company so I let it slide though I was uncomfortable. We both wanted more coke or crack or anything and he said he�d get us some (that�s why he was in the car in the first place). We drove, in my GRANDMOTHER�S car, mind you, downtown with this guy Daniel in the car and Kristina was driving I remember cause I can�t drive when I�m so far gone drunk (how the hell she drove, I don�t know, except that I had had more to drink than she did, and it was probably 5-6 hours after we had the champagne). I don�t know where we were because I don�t live in Dallas but eventually we pulled into a townhome-type complex and Daniel asked how much money we had and we laughed because we seriously had like nothing and I gave him my dollar and dumped out my change every penny of it I think it was 71 cents. He said he�d do what he could. A few minutes goes by it seemed like 30 seconds, in reality I have no idea. Robbie called for the second time since I left his car (first while we were driving, and he was freaked out that we were driving with this random guy to some drug dealer, and since he was begging me to please go home he must at least have some wits about him, I can say that much). Oh, if you�re wondering how he got my number, I vaguely remember saving it into his phone. Even if I decided to never talk to him again I didn�t care if he had it since I don�t even live there and he doesn�t know my address or even my last name.

Robbie and I are interrupted in our conversation when Kristina�s phone starts ringing and it�s her mom. Worried she�s in trouble, I tell Robbie I have to go but I�ll be fine, yes I�ll call when I�m home and please go to bed. Luckily Kristina�s mom has no idea of all of this and still thinks she is at my grandparent�s house and is just reminding her to be home early enough this morning to say goodbye to her brother who�s going on a trip and to take her meds. The amount of shit we got away with (not just that night but others), considering how close an eye her mom keeps on her is amazing. Damn, we�re good.

Anyway, then Daniel jumps back in the car and he�s got a pretty good-sized rock and says we can smoke it in the park that�s nearby. I don�t remember how he got it. Maybe I dreamed this, but I thought he said that if he was supposed to give them a car but not to worry, he didn�t promise them our car and he�ll take care of it later. That just seems odd since crack is not worth that much. We drive to a park, stopping on the way so Daniel can jump out and grab some free newspapers. He grabs two and hands them to Kristina and I. They�re still in the car. Then we go to the park, and we�re going to have to park in a lot across the street and so he says to meet him down there and jumps out. The rock is in my wallet so there�s no chance he�s going to stiff us, so we park and just as we�re doing that Robbie calls again. I don�t really recall this conversation anymore since it�s been over 24 hours but Kristina doesn�t want to wait and says she�ll wait for me outside. She leaves (and she has the keys, but I have the crack) and I�m in the car on the phone what seemed like 1 minute, tops. When I get out and cross the street to the park, no one is in sight. I can�t find Kristina or Daniel. I remember wandering through this big open park, stopping when it got more covered and secluded because I felt unsafe in there, swatting at the mosquitoes that were eating me alive (I came home from Dallas with literally 30 bites all on my legs, it�s insane how much those fucking bugs love me), calling �KRISTINA! KRISTINA! DANIEL! KRISTINA! KRISTINA!� as loud as I fucking could. It�s amazing there was not a single person I came in contact with considering how loud I was screaming and don�t people run in parks in the early morning??? I was scared and alone and had no idea where I was and was locked out of the car. At the time I was mostly thinking �How could they go smoke without me?! Why would they just LEAVE ME?� and was on the verge of a panic attack. I called Rob. I didn�t know what that was going to accomplish, considering I couldn�t imagine asking him to come get me after I had ignored his advice about not going with Daniel in the first place. Had he picked up, I probably wouldn�t have even asked, I just wanted to hear a voice I knew, no matter if I just met them, because I felt so alone. I�d ask him what the fuck I should do in this situation, was it better to go wait by the car, not knowing if that would be safe, or stay here in the park where there was no one around and it seemed safe? I never got to ask though, because he didn�t pick up. He must have finally passed out in bed. I called a few times, heard his voice on the answering machine. Wished I had his home phone (only had his cell). I decided to go back to the car because eventually Kristina would go back to the car, I assumed once she was done smoking. I had completely forgotten, in the midst of my panic, that I had the crack so it was highly unlikely that she had disappeared into the park to smoke considering she didn�t even have anything to smoke. But anyway, I was too scared to think clearly so I went back to the car to wait and pray that no one would hassle me. It seemed to me that we were in a fine part of town. I didn�t see any people at all though which maybe should be a sign, although it was very early and it felt earlier to me than it was so I attributed it to that. In retrospect, after what happened to Kristina, I think we were surrounded by drugs and most of the residents in the area had just gone to bed finally.

I don�t remember how long I stood by the car, I think it was just a few minutes. I was lucky because right away Kristina came running up to the car, looking really shaken up and asked if I ever found Daniel and I told her I couldn�t find him or her and where had she been??? She asked if I had the rock; I did; then she said she�d explain in the car, let�s get out of here. Kris didn�t really explain what lead up to her asking the group of people if they had seen her friend, but I�m guessing she must have gone to the park, not seen him immediately, just as I had, and assuming he hadn�t gone deep into the wooded area turned around and back-tracked, trying to find him, all in the space of a few minutes while I was on the phone, because I never saw her. Maybe she exited the park on the other side of where I entered, so I didn�t see her. But I was calling really loudly� well anyway, she saw some people sitting on the front steps of a duplex and asked them if they had seen her friend and she described Daniel. A guy told her he�d help her find him, and to come on in. I don�t know why she went inside, but I didn�t want to make her feel bad by asking since she was so scared already so I certainly didn�t ask. But seriously, why on earth she asked those people if they had seen him, and why she went in their house is beyond me. Why didn�t she try to find me, after she couldn�t find Daniel in the park? Anyway, they were a bunch of mean junkies and asked how much money she said, and when she said she didn�t have any they grabbed her purse and searched through it (neither of us had any money by this point). Then they made her take a hit of heroin (smoked, thank god not injected), I�m assuming because they wanted to get her addicted, but who the fuck knows. I don�t know how she got out of there, but she did, and that house was really close to our car.

That concluded the night pretty much. We had to kill a few hours before we could go meet Kristina�s mom to say bye to her brother, and we had nowhere to go since my mom thought we were both sleeping at Kris� friend Stephanie�s house, and Kris� mom thought we were at my place. So we went to the Original House of Pancakes, probably looking like whores considering we were dressed to go out and it was early Saturday morning, our hair was a mess and according to Kris we looked like totally fucked up addicts. So after puking we went to one of our favorite places, TARGET, to fix ourselves up a bit. Kristina put bronzer on her face to �look alive� lol and I tried to cover up the redness of mine with a green-tinted powder, then we headed to hair and brushed out Kris� tangles and she ran some type of styling product through my hair. Then we were done, and it was almost 9am, so we headed back to Kristina�s house. I guess her mom left early because she wasn�t there even though it was 8:58am but we were grateful cause it meant we could go to sleep. Although neither of us really slept. I rarely truly sleep when I don�t take my Ambien and Neurontin, more so when alcohol and drugs are involved. I was so tired I couldn�t get up though so I was just happy to be in Kristina�s bed and able to relax finally after stressing out about her mom finding out we�d lied.

Three or four hours later we made ourselves get up because we knew we didn�t have much time and that was my last day in Dallas. My flight was going to leave that night and we had a lot of stuff planned that day. We wanted to go back to Deep Elm to get matching tattoos but decided we didn�t have enough time to do that and also all the shopping we wanted to do so we�ll do that next time I�m in town. We shopped a lot and tried to figure out when we were going to get to smoke our rock. The time passed so quick and before we knew it my mom was on my case about getting back to my grandparent�s to pack because we were going out to dinner at 6:30. There was no opportunity to smoke it so we decided to just snort it instead even though that�s not nearly as good of a high. I went to pack and then Kristina and I met back at the restaurant. Her mom, my grandparents, my mom, my sister, Kris and I all went to Panera and it was really nice. We had come up with that idea earlier because it made everyone happy � my grandparents were happy I was eating with them, my mom was happy that they were happy, Kris and I were happy to be together, and Kris� mom was happy to be with Kristina and I because she had wanted to take us out to breakfast that morning but that didn�t end up happening.

After we ordered Kristina and I went to the bathroom and snorted the crack and came back and had a nice dinner but it was bittersweet even with the crack (which didn�t do much, what a waste snorting it was) because we knew I was leaving and it was so hard to say goodbye, as it always is. We had to go straight from the restaurant to the airport and the rest of the night was really shitty because I was beyond exhausted and spent 6 hours in the airport/on a plane with heavy turbulence on the first flight, and really loud girls (I know they were over 21 but they looked about 18, so maybe 21 exactly) on the second. They were SO LOUD and we were delayed on the ground for 35 minutes waiting for some passengers to get on the flight who were late from another flight and these girls were in the row right in front of us and they reminded me of Piedmont girls. I wanted to smack them. Blah. But I made it home, here I am. Got to call Michele on Monday because she called while I was in Dallas, I answered (my cell) and she said �Is this Ruth??� and I said yes, and she said �RUTH KEE??!� and I said �YES?� and anyway it was Michele and she asked me where the hell I�ve been and told me she�s been worried sick and she wasn�t even calling from her office she was calling from the hospital where she also works and happened to have a spare moment so immediately thought to call me because she had been thinking about me all the time and worrying. I felt so bad. But I had to go and I couldn�t call her back that day she said, so I said I�d call back on Monday. So this week�s to-do list includes job searching/applying, setting up appointments with Michele, Deirdre (I�m too embarrassed to see Manda� long story� I don�t know what I�m doing, I�m a fuck-up what can I say?), and Dr. Lowen (going to get tested for every STD I possibly can just to be fucking sure even though I used a condom they aren�t 100% effective�), and signing up for Texas Tech University correspondence college classes which I found out about through Kris. You earn college credit just like you would at a 2 year or 4 year college but you do the class by correspondence or online and it�s through a respected school. Originally I was going to be in Dallas and Kris and I could work on the classes together but I guess we�ll have to start on our own for now.

I�m so exhausted I really need to go to bed. But first I need to take my Ambien or I won�t really sleep more than a few hours. Damn which bag did I pack it in? Who am I kidding, it�s too much of a hassle. I�m pathetic.