Tonight was crazy! I�m drunk right now so I hope this entry makes sense. A few hours ago Carrie, Amanda and I snuck out and ran (holy shit I am so out of shape � I thought I was going to have a heart attack!) down the street a few blocks to Circle K (a convenience store like 7-11)! I still am in shock that we pulled it off. We bought beer, gum, soda, food. We drank the beer, and Carrie and I binged and purged. I actually don�t feel guilty. I ewnt almost 5 weeks eithout purging (it would have been 5 weeks on Tuesday) until tonight. I think I deserved it. I drank about 64 oz of beer and was completely drunk but Allison, the night nurse, didn�t notice at all! I was in Amanda�s room for a few hours so it�s not like I was hopping around the unit though. Amanda, who is bulimic, was good and didn�t binge. I ate 6 baseball cupcakes and a cereal bar. Actually not even that much food. We didn�t have much money leftover after the beer and 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke. We bought every last baseball cupcake the store had, lol. We must have looked strange. Three skinny girls buying a bunch of beer and junk food. But it was so exilirating to sneak out. We pried this metal rod off the window that was keeping the window from opening by using a knife Carrie pocketed at dinner, and then popped the screen out and we were free! We went around 10:30 tonight. Holy shit� I am so lucky we didn�t get caught because it turns out I�m still on Q-15 (15 minute checks due to suicide watch and self harm) and Judy (an anorexic mental health worker who is really strict on rules because she�s afraid she�ll get fired) is on tonight and she was looking for Carrie and I. Courtney and Erica were distracting Judy as much as they could for us. I gtg for now�

I had a really nice talk with Carrie just now. It�s �really late� (so the nurse thinks, but it�s only 12:30am) and Allison has been bugging us to go to bed. I want to tell her just to fuck off and let me talk to Carrie!!! I really like her. I don�t know what to do. I don�t even know if I am capable of having a relationship with another woman. I�m so afraid if it came down to that � my feelings coming out and her feeling the same way � that I would fuck it up somehow. Just like how I always worried about now having enough sexual experience with guys and that being a source of insecurity, well now I have that with Carrie too. Yes, I know I�m getting ahead of myself and skipping way ahead to an uncertain future, but I can�t help thinking/worrying about it. Just when I finally feel like a non freak for finally having sex, now I go and fall in love with a woman and have to worry about having no experience with women! Erg! I always fear I will act like a total dork, turn the person completely off, and ruin the relationship completely.

I guess I shouldn�t even be thinking about having a relationship with Carrie since she said tonight that probably both of us aren�t ready to be in a relationship (she just mean in general, not with each other) until we�re healthy because right now we�re both in a relationship of sorts with our eating disorders, and our EDs come first. And she is so right.

Carrie is such an amazing person. Today at the park I wanted to go back because my teeth were hurting so bad I couldn�t stand it anymore (I�ve had 2 toothaches for the past 4 days and it�s been getting worse and worse and I get nothing for the pain but Motrin, Tylenol, etc.) and she offered to come back with me and she sat with me while I agonizingly waited for Dr. Mendiola to return his page and prescribe me something for the pain. He didn�t call back for an HOUR. In the meantime I lied on my bed and Carrie lied next to me and rubbed my back and arm and we talked. She is just so sweet. I love her so much already and I just met her. We talked about Charlie today, and I realized that our relationship really wasn�t that great. He didn�t treat me well in a lot of ways. He wasn�t ready for a relationship because he couldn�t be honest and open up to me in a lot of ways. Carrie said if I asked her anything, �ANYTHING� she would almost positively tell me. I feel the same way. The only exception being if she were to ask me tomorrow, point blank, if I had feelings towards her, as more than just a friend, I don�t know if I could answer that question right now. Of course I know the answer is yes, but could I tell her that? Not yet. Fuck no. I am way too fucking shy and insecure not to mention terrified of rejection and sure that is what is always going to come my way. So I�m sure I would have a hard time answering that. I wonder what I�d say. Would I lie and say no? If I did that I would risk her thinking I had no feelings towards her, when in fact I do, and thus never knowing if she had feelings towards me. But if I said yes, and she didn�t like me (in that way), but just sensed that I liked her, how awful would that be?! It�s the worst possible outcome I can think of so of course it is the only one I can focus on and convince myself it would happen. I wish I could predict the future. If I was psychic I would be a lot less fucked up I think, because I�d be way less paranoid about the what-ifs, which drive me much more than is reasonable.

In experiential therapy group today I gave Carrie a back massage for a long time and I think she really enjoyed it because she told me over and over that it felt �soooo good� which made me feel happy. I like to make other people feel good because somehow it makes me hate myself just a little less. I�m getting so attached to her, so quickly, I�m worried about myself� that what if things don�t work out. I�m fucking emotionally unstable enough as it is. I mean most of the time I�d rather be dead. But when I�m around Carrie I don�t want to be dead. I seriously want to go to a CA State school somewhere in o Cal instead of Nor Cal just so that maybe we can have a relationship or stay close friends. But I worry that like everything else in my life, thus won�t work out either. It�s so hard to be positive when almost everything in your life for the past 5 years has been nothing but horribly negative and depressing.