I wrote the following entry sometime in December and am embarassed to say I don't even know when. Stupid me didn't date it. It was obviously after Dec. 11 but I don't know when! Sometime between Dec. 12 and Dec. 22 I guess.... maybe Aidrienne can tell me what day it was we met because that would help narrow it down. Anyway, here it is (it's not much):

I�m not sure what I can possibly write other than things aren�t going great. I feel myself being sucked back into the black hole I could not escape from a few months ago, before I went to Rogers. The past few weeks I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts� I am not sure how to describe it in any other way. I know technically wanting to die, wishing to die, would be termed �suicidal� but I don�t consider myself suicidal because I am not going to act out anything at this time so really it�s not a big deal. I am just a wimp who hates her life and wants to die but isn�t doing a damn thing about it. I should just suck it up and get it over with.

Long sigh.

Some good things have happened, they are few and far between, but it�s better than nothing. I am trying to put on a happy face and �act happy� so as to be less of a downer than I usually am. I think it�s actually working. The past two group sessions Deirdre has skipped me over completely in the �check in� we do at the start. I was late both times, but I have been late before as have other people and she always remembers to have them check in. But she hasn�t remembered the last two times. So if she doesn�t ask how I am, I don�t tell. As it is, I don�t tell 99% of the time, so that means I�m really not talking about how I�m feeling. When I do I am shrugged off. I think no one believes I am serious when I say that just putting on my clothes, feeling my pants tighter, sends the immediate through process through my brain of �I want to die.� And I know that having your pants tighter is not a good reason to kill yourself. But I can�t help feeling that way. I don�t even know if I am legitimately gaining� I am having such bad fluid retention and am back to diuretics. Well, it�s been awhile that I�ve been back on them, but I mean I am once again not able to stop using them and even with the diuretics I am swelling very badly so of course that perpetuates the cycle. My stomach is just going insane� I don�t know what�s wrong but it�s only getting worse. I get such horrible pain and no certain food seems to trigger it. Really bad pressure, like you have when you have gas, except there is no gas, so the pressure is never relieved. My stomach just blows up and remains like that and it feels like popcorn is popping inside my stomach! :( On Tuesday night before I went to the Lord of the Rings (at midnight) movie it was so bad I thought I wouldn�t be able to go. I was lying on the couch trying not to breathe (as that hurt more) for an hour before the pain subsided. I had taken about 6 Gas-X (even though I never actually have gas and just the pressure, that seems to relieve the pain somewhat) and 6 Tums. Then, after the pain wasn�t so bad, I was just NASEOUS from all the damn pills. Fun! Plus there is something seriously wrong with my hunger cues� I am hungry shortly after eating a large meal. And it�s actual physical hunger� like my stomach is growling and I feel hunger pangs. What the hell?! Obviously I�m eating plenty, or I�d be losing weight. My digestion is still not working and once again I am extremely constipated. I am so distended it�s painful. Sorry to be so gross but it�s what I�m thinking about all the time� how fucking bloated I am and how it makes me look even fatter :/

I went shopping with Aidrienne (Whirling Wind) and was so embarrassed when I tried on a tank top. When I stood normally I looked pregnant and I�m not exaggerating. So, having swollen legs, a distended belly, and a bloating stomach many times a day does not help my body image which was already shit. But, yes you read that correctly, Whirling Wind! She was here in San Francisco with some friends and we got to spend the day together :) It was so much fun but then I had to go and fuck it up by getting us lost when I was trying to drive her to Half Moon Bay to meet up with her friends� it�s a long story that I don�t really want to type out so I won�t. Later that night I babysat for my sister because she couldn�t do it. Three kids she normally sits after school during the week. That went alright and I made $40, which I am sure will go down the toilet.

I�m on so many medications that I can�t keep track of them all. Nothing seems to really be working though. My doc upped my Effexor to 450 mg and I just hope it will make a difference because I can�t stand to feel this way all the time. BuSpar and Ativan are for anxiety but it�s not helping. Maybe I just need a higher dosage. I think that I am having strange dreams due to the Seroquel she added on top of my Trazodone because I am still not sleeping through the night. I can�t remember the last time I slept 12 hours straight like I used to. I miss the long sleeps I used to have. Granted, I felt like I was dead and was unwakeable until I had slept at least 12 hours and even after sleeping that long I was still groggy and really only �awake� for about 8 hours total� but it still seems better than not sleeping well and being sleepy all the time like I am now, yet unable to actually SLEEP.

My last entry was on my first day of partial�. Haha, since then I have quit. I went for a few days but it just sucked. It wasn�t focused on EDs enough to be helpful, in my opinion. I ate less there than I do at home because we just have a lunch break and no real �snack time� and I seriously was hungry all day long which sucked. I�m just too fucked up to eat a snack at break time unless I�m forced even though I want one. No one made me eat at lunch so I just ended up picking at stuff which was not productive at all because it just meant I got home starving and ended up eating more than I thought I should and purging. Lead back to a b/p cycle. The complete opposite of what I wanted. Plus, I hated the PE part because it was freezing cold out there and left me chilled for hours afterwards. And considering I probably burned 10 calories from it, I didn�t see the point. School was the same� didn�t see the point, wasn�t accomplishing anything I couldn�t do at home. So, basically I would still like to be in a day program if it was an ED program, but there are none near me that are from over 18 year olds.

I�m tired. It�s been a long day of nothing, like all the rest. Good night.

Ok and now for today's actual entry. Which will be more summary I'm afraid, but also some recent news. The other things that happened in December were that I finally got together with Danielle and Michelle from group. One night (I can�t remember the date) Danielle couldn�t make it because she had to work and it was the night we had planned to hang out, but she wanted me to come by Starbuck�s (where she works) afterwards. I asked Michelle if she wanted to come and she said yes so we both drove over there. Danielle ended up having to work a long time after but Michelle and I just sat drinking tea and talking. It was nice to have someone to talk to and someplace else to be other than at home. So we were there from about 8-9:30pm and then we went to a caf� that stays open late and Danielle was going to meet us. She had to stay later than expected closing up so once again Michelle and I just sat drinking tea and talking, but it was a nice time :) Finally Danielle showed up but I was getting tired by this point and Michelle had to be up early the next morning to go to Venture (she goes there too) so we didn�t stay long with Danielle. The next day Michelle and I hung out at Borders and went to buy yarn for knitting. I�m really into knitting right now. It�s a great thing to keep my hands and mind occupied. I just zone out while I�m knitting which is nice. I think this was Dec. 16th � I�m so mixed up about dates and it�s making my head hurt trying to sort it all out�but I do know that I saw Mia on Dec. 24th. I was supposed to go to LA to visit her from Friday (12/19) � Tuesday (12/23) but I was too sick. I either had a very, very bad cold or a mild case of the flu. I had a fever for several days plus a sore throat, cough, congestion, etc. But no vomiting (of course, how ironic), so who knows. Anyway, I did get to see her on Christmas Eve and we went to see Love Actually. It�s a really cute movie. Later I had to go to my dad�s and that sucked. But the night didn�t go terribly bad. I had to go to church to listen to him, my stepmom and my sister (she doesn�t go to church but joined the choir for the Christmas concert; she loves to sing) in the church choir. I left after the concert, before the mass started. So did my sister and my stepmom�s friend and her little daughter Emma. I mean, they know I am not Catholic and not religious and so I don�t know why they would think I would stay. But apparently they were mad about that. Whatever, I don�t care. So we got home and basically did nothing. I went back to Lucy and Chuck�s apartment with Chuck and Johanna while Lucy was still at church and we played with her fairly-new kitten, GIR. He�s all white with very pale orange rings on his tale. So cute! I think he will like playing with Jack. Oh yes, Jack is what my kitten is now called. My sister didn�t like Mr. Lucky and so we ended up with Jack Sparrow (from Pirates of the Caribbean, hehe). When he�s older he will have grown into his full name of CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow but for now he�s just Jack, or I sometimes call him Sparrow. He is such a sweetie. He sits on my face quite often which is annoying but adorable. He purrs constantly and is so affectionate. I just love that cat! Cheza (my other cat) is still not taking his presence well. She hates him with a vengeance.

I got sidetracked there and forgot to mention Christmas day� that was half good and half bad. For the most part it was ok� it took us literally 4 hours to open our presents. The reason being that there were 10 of us total. Me, my two sisters, my two stepbrothers, my dad and stepmom, plus my stepmom�s friend and her daughter, Emma, who is 5. She is really cute and for me to say that means a lot because I am not such a fan of little kids lol. Mostly they just scare me. Anyway, she�s cute and was adopted from China. She is so beautiful and I�m knitting her a pink scarf at the moment which is almost done :) It took so long to open because they insist on going in a circle, one present at a time, one person at a time� and after each present there is lots of �let me see it� and the mandatory hug you have to give to whoever gave you the present. Nice� but it gets old after awhile. I seriously needed a nap after opening my presents. I don�t know why that tired me out so much?! Debbie (my stepmom) really made it nice though. I can tell she picked out 99% of my presents and she actually got things I like for the most part. I had a list from Delias but they mostly didn�t follow it, but I did get a few things from the list. I got the Bumble slippers (the Abominable Snowman) which are too cute for words! Go to Delias.com and look at them, seriously they are the best :D I also got the Valerie jacket in pink and it�s really cool although a little big. Also a cable-knit hooded sweater which is a little big but not too bad because it shrunk some in the wash. I got various other small things. I�m too lazy to list everything I got for Christmas so I�ll just stop there ;) But the best present of all was getting to go to Dallas the next day and see KRISTINA! I have missed her so much and we got to spend 6 days together and it was the best week of my life, seriously. We just had a great time and I know she is going to be my best friend for a long time to come. For those who are going �Who is Kristina?� I�ll shorten a very long story: I met Kris on the net a few years ago and a year ago we met in person for the first time. We had talked on the phone a lot prior to that, though. It was fate because it turned out that she lives seriously 2 minutes from my grandparents where I always stay. So anywho, we met back in Oct. 2002 and then she was gone at Renfrew when I was in Dallas last July so I hadn�t seen her since then but we still talked on the phone as usual. I got to see her much more this trip than I did the last one. I really spent as much time as I could get away with (my grandparents tend to make me feel guilty if I don�t spend a lot of time with them) hanging out with her. I also got to know her mom much better. The last time I was in town I only met her for a second as she was recovering from a surgery in bed. This time I talked to her a lot and supposedly she likes me a lot (according to Kris) which is a relief. She must trust me though, because she basically left Kris under my �supervision� all day, everyday for nearly a week. She�s really protective of Kristina now, for obvious reasons, so this was a big deal. I met Kristina�s therapist, Dianne, who said she would be �happy to have me� when I move to Dallas (I told her how that was happening at the end of the summer). She also runs three ED groups which I could go to at least 2 of them I think. One is teens, one is young adults, and one is adults. We did lots of shopping, and lots of clothes swapping. I can�t wait to move so I can borrow Kristina�s clothes ;) Speaking of moving� I was so sad when I got home, because I miss Kris so much :( She was also really bummed and was telling me how she just couldn�t wait till April to see me again (I�m visiting in April for spring break, and to go to a wedding). I feel the same� she asked why can�t I move in with my grandparents? And that got me thinking. See I had considered this in the past but thought that they would drive me crazy. Well, now I�ve changed my mind because for one thing, I wouldn�t be home much. I�d work a lot, and the spare time I did have I would spend with Kristina! Or Cameron (another plus), who I didn�t get to see this time. Also, this would only be temporary because my mom and sister would be moving out in the summer. So really it would be less than six months probably. I could go to Dianne for therapy, and I�m sure I could find a doc and possibly use Kristina�s psychiatrist who she really likes. Jobs are so much easier to get there. I already have a connection to Whole Foods through Cameron�s mom so I could get a job as a bagger there pretty easily I think. I WANT to work. I just can�t find a job here. So that would be great. Last night after talking to Kris I went upstairs and said �Mom, I want to move in with Nanny and Bob. NOW!� and we talked about it for awhile. She said ok right away (I told you, she�s sick of me) and we hammered out some details. This morning she called them and they talked it over for half an hour and then said yes. Nothing is definite of course, but most likely, I will move out over the February break when my mom has the week off of school! In the meantime I am going to sign up for a few college classes just to keep me busy and to have a �trial run� to see if I can actually handle that� and I�ll finish up Venture so I can graduate. When I move I�ll just withdraw from my classes. I don�t care because to me it�s still worth it to have taken them a little while, even though my work won�t really count for anything. Then when I get to Dallas I�ll just be working until the summer, when we�ll be getting ready to move. Then in the fall I�ll start college again, but this time in Dallas. That�s my plan right now and I think it�s a pretty good one. I�ve started to get kind of homesick though, thinking about leaving for good. Mostly because I can�t take all my pets :( I�m going to take Jack� I want to take Cheza but they won�t get along. I am taking Jack because I think Cheza will be happier and I just want her to be happy. Even though she�s my cat and I�ve had her since I was 11, ever since she was a kitten, she likes this house and likes going outside all the time and in Dallas I wouldn�t be around to let her in/out all day long. Plus she would be with strangers (Nanny and Bob) instead of my mom and sister. And besides, it is only a few months. Then I�ll move back in with my mom and doggies when they move out to Dallas. In the meantime I�ll have Jack to keep me company. I�m probably just feeling sad and homesick about moving because now that I�m home I don�t have Kristina around. When I was in Dallas I really wasn�t homesick, except for my pets. I�m sure that Kristina will get me through the rough patches where I�m feeling lonely.

Well I�m probably getting ahead of myself by talking about all this right now, but I wanted to lay it out there.