I really am sorry to have just �disappeared� and not updated. God� I really had not realized how long it has been since I posted an entry. It�s scary, really, how fast time goes by without my noticing. Fairly recently, I was excited about updating, because for once I was going to have some really positive stuff to write about instead of just constant negativity (I don�t know how anyone can stand to read my diary, to be honest, because I am so pessimistic and boring and depressed�). But then I didn�t� and now it�s too late. What�s good has now turned sour, like everything else. There is so much to say I don�t know where to begin�??? And honestly, if I tried to go in chronological order starting from where I left off, I wouldn�t be able to. I have no concept of time. The only way I know dates of things is by looking at the calendar and judging by the appointments marked on it. And even that is unreliable because most of the time, I don�t write down my appointments on the calendar. There is one in the kitchen where my mom writes all her stuff on plus things to do with my sister, or me if she happens to know of it. I should just use that, since it�s the only calendar I ever look at, and I do, when I remember. I have so many �organizers� and calendars of my own and I�d rather my mom not know when I have appointments (otherwise she�d realize how often I miss them, by accident) but I never seem to remember to write these things down consistently. For someone who can�t remember to take her meds or brush her teeth, I guess that isn�t surprising.

But anyway, I have rambled off topic as usual. I will try my best to get at least a general update of what�s been going on, in as best an order as I can. There isn't much to say about January... after the 4th when I wrote my last entry. I can't remember January. What the hell was I doing? All I know is I was depressed, I was bingeing and purging, and I thought about killing myself often. I was seriously considering going back to Rogers. Just to the IP unit - not residential. And you have to realize how strict that place is. You are really LOCKED UP, the bathrooms are locked 24/7 and sometimes you have to have someone watch you pee, you can't flush without permission, all that lovely stuff. Not to mention a dietician I wanted to strangle, a social worker I wanted to mouth off to so very badly and a psychiatrist who had no tact when it came to EDs and told a girl she didn't need to gain any weight and it was ok that she had lost 5 pounds while there (for the record, this was my roommate and yes she was underweight). However, being in this hospital environment seemed better than being at home. Mainly I didn't end up going because of school. I wanted to get that out of the way. Fucking GRADUATE and get my diploma, and have that behind me. Then go, and focus on my head, and hopefully find a way out of this depression.

But then a funny thing happened. I met a guy (well that's inaccurate -- I already knew him, but I didn't know him well at all, and I certainly didn't know I would end up falling in love with him) and became a cliche. I am always someone to roll my eyes at the "I got a boyfriend and it fixed my life" type of stories. That is not the case here, but I admit, that this guy saved me in a lot of ways. And it was not because he was a boyfriend. I think that if he were to have come along as a female friend his effect would have been the same. But anyway, his name is Charlie and he is amazing and makes me feel so good. When I'm with him I feel like I'm not so much "damaged goods" and might even be a likeable person. I feel, dare I say it, NORMAL? Well, sometimes. Moreso than before. It helps to have him to go out to eat with. Even if I'm just eating salads without dressing, this is an improvement over keeping nothing down. If I time things right, I can prevent b/p'ing and spend my time with Charlie instead. Before I had nothing to do, ever, except maybe a doctor/dietician/therapist/school appointment. That leaves way, way too much free time. Anyway... Charlie is a good distraction. He has an ED. But it's not affecting me in a bad way at all. I've been soemone he can confide in, when he hasn't been able to tell anyone about his ED really. His family sort of knows but they are in denial about how serious it is, or maybe they are not but it seems that way. Anyway, I know that he never told Johanna about it... but obviously I am someone that would probably understand it better than her since he knew of my "problem" through Johanna (and when I was gone for treatment in Wisconsin for 2 months). He also understands depression. He has depression that tends to go in a pattern of being really depressed for like 3 months at a time and the rest of the time it's manageable. So again, he understands SO MUCH. I never have to feel ashamed that I don't have much of a life or that I sit around my house a lot because I'm just too fucking depressed to do anything.

So I started hanging out with Charlie and Johanna, to have study dates (we didn't get much done I admit) and go out to eat and just sit at a coffee house or whatever. It was helpful, for all of us, to at least get out of the house you know. I think it was around the end of January that I started seeing Charlie alone, without Johanna. I wrote this entry (well it was more just some thoughts typed out real spur-of-the-moment, but it's better than nothing I suppose) that I am about to paste, intending to post it but never finished. I did that with several, actually, since January... I suck. Anyway I believe it is from the beginning of February or the end of January:

"So I saw Charlie last night. We were going to get together earlier but I was busy cleaning my room still (once I get started I can�t stop) so it was hard to pry myself away even though I wanted to see him. Anyway, he picked me up and we went looking for some place to eat at. Eventually we ended up having salads at Crepevine. And eventually we ended up in my room making out ;) It was pretty surprising because we went from just hanging out �doing hwk� to that. With Charlie, I have fun even if we�re just driving around aimlessly with no where in mind to go. I don�t have the problem of awkward silences or worrying about what we�re going to say. Normally I worry so much in anticipation of awkward moments and bad conversation that it doesn�t even matter if it happens or not cause either way I�m stressed out about it. But Charlie is so easy to talk to. The more time I spend with him the more I find how alike we are. He fits the mold of what I like in a guy almost exactly (except he doesn�t have a cool accent, and he isn�t a cowboy, haha � yes I realize I may never find such a person). And god I am so attracted to him. He�s really tall� and thin. Well, skinny is more accurate (oh, how I wish I didn�t like skinny guys but sadly that is what I�m always attracted to). I�m not a good judge being only 5�3� myself, but he said he�s between 6�2� and 6�3� and he has fair skin (he tans easily apparently but right now he is not) and has the most amazing green eyes. They seem to change color and appear blueish sometimes. Most of the time they look green and I just love green eyes. Come to think of it, Charlie looks like how I described an �ideal guy� one time in some random conversation � cause he has dark hair, fair skin and green eyes. Not that I�m even much of a looks-person. I�m much more drawn to personality. That was just something I came up with when pressed, after seeing Adrien Grenier (don�t know how to spell his name� the actor from �The Adventures of Sebastian Cole� which, by the way, is a great movie I highly recommend) hehe. And I�m sure that most people wouldn�t find Charlie drop dead gorgeous but I do ;) He has really curly hair and it�s just adorable.

Ok I�ll stop babbling like an idiot. I sound so very immature but I just can�t help myself! :D

Why do I always fall in love with the wrong people? Or maybe not the wrong people but it�s always something; the timing, or the situation, or what have you. I �can�t� date Charlie. Johanna (my sister, who introduced us because she is friends with Charlie) said she didn�t mind us hanging out, but she told Charlie just a few days ago that it�s fine �as long as he doesn�t date me�!! So he doesn�t want to betray her. I think Johanna must be psychic or something, or at least in this one instance. Because in the past when I would be with her and Charlie just hanging out she never minded and she would always ask me to come and stuff. Then for awhile I didn�t see him because I was at Rogers and then he was out of town a long time and then when I got back we started hanging out some to work on our schoolwork (he is a senior at Venture too, and goes to community college also). Then one time late at night we were talking online and since he�s such an insomniac/night owl like I am we decided to go somewhere cause we were bored and it was depressing being awake in our houses so I went and picked him up and we drove around trying to find an open restaurant just to sit somewhere. We ended up at Denny�s and it was so fun. Even though we didn�t really do anything. But somehow we spent the time from 4am to 6am together and it was nice to have the company. Another reason I like him so much. I just feel so comfortable around him. I didn�t think anything of it in terms of Johanna and her being mad. Because I thought we were all friends and had hung out before. I knew she didn�t have a crush on him either because way back last year I tried to get her to go out with him cause I just had a feeling about him; that he was a really sweet, genuine guy and would make a good boyfriend for her. But Johanna told me she only liked him as a friend. Since then she has confirmed that on several occasions so anyway I really thought nothing of going out to Denny�s. But Charlie got worried afterwards that Johanna would be hurt. So anyway I remember I called her to tell her (she had been away at my dad�s that night) so I could �prove� she wasn�t mad, you know. And I was right, she wasn�t mad, and she didn�t care if we hung out� but then she said �As long as he doesn�t fall in love with you or something� and she sounded like she was joking but I was taken aback. I don�t know why� probably because I had a feeling deep down that I liked him. I said �What?! Why do you say that? I mean, obviously he isn�t going to, but why would you care?� and she said �Nevermind I was just kidding.� But I guess she wasn�t. Especially since she told Charlie he couldn�t date me. It�s a pretty messed up situation -- so it�s only natural that I�m in it! But dammit I can�t help it. What if Charlie is really someone I could have a long and meaningful relationship with? He�s already helped me so much and I haven�t even spent that much time with him. I have been on the verge of killing myself so many times in the past few months and I was so depressed I was actually going to admit myself back IP at Rogers because it seemed a better alternative to my current life. I just wanted all the shit to stop. I hurt so badly inside and I don�t even know why. I have this horrible emptiness that hits so hard out of nowhere and leaves me questioning everything I know. I feel like I don�t even know who I am at those times. I need different meds and that was a main factor in me wanting to go back because I know that Dr. Bliwas is good with drugs. Plus my purging was yet again out of control. I knew I couldn�t stop on my own. But since I started taking Adderall it�s gotten much better to the point where I am keeping down food again (I wasn�t before) and purging much less. I still get hit with waves of suicidal thoughts but it�s not as frequent. What sucks though is that I can�t have Adderall forever. It�s Charlie�s and he takes it too so there isn�t enough. It�s not far that I can�t get prescribed it because they think I�ll lose weight. Even though my �team� thinks I have ADD they still won�t. And having tried Adderall now for myself I KNOW it would help. It has helped me focus on my schoolwork. And it�s amazing how much cleaning I have done in my room. It was such a hell hole and I was too depressed to start working on it and it just seemed so daunting. My room is a direct reflection of my mental state, hands-down. When I�m very depressed it is so messy� anyone that knew how much of a neat-freak I used to be (and still am inside, which is why it kills me to have such a horribly messy room, yet I just can�t seem to muster the strength to do anything about it) would never believe it was my room. Not to mention more depressed = more bulimic = more food mess which contributes in a horrible way. But I have finally made a significant dent in the workload. While I was on Adderall and was shopping for plastic drawers to put in my closet I felt so great � like �Yes! I�m finally getting something done!� I knew it was a HUGE job still, but at least I was able to say �Hey, at least you started, right?� because for so long I�ve gotten the advice of �just do a little at a time� and that concept is lost on me. It�s a lot of organizing and going through and getting rid of junk and it�s tedious as hell, but at least I have started."

Ok, so that ends the entry. And still leaves a lot of unaccounted for time I realize. Basically, long story really short? I saw more of Charlie but it was all a secret - Johanna didn't know about this at all. Sometimes she'd know I was going to L'Amyx (a tea bar) to study, or out to eat, and she was invited but didn't come. But she had no idea we were actually "romantically involved" but I didn't really have a desire to tell her because that would surely be an ordeal and Charlie didn't want to tell her. He was (still is) too afraid of hurting her. There is also a really long story about that... and why he is so worried, but it's not that important and I'm so tired. So basically we dated and I was having fun and I was so much happier. Depression, of course, was still there. But I was semi-functionable whereas before I was a zombie. I do think this is also due to the Adderall I was getting occasionally. Oh, and I lost my virginity. Minor thing there ;) It wasn't a big deal for me. Honestly the only reason I was still a virgin was cause my last boyfriend was an asshole who I almost had sex with but then his asshole-ness became very apparent and I didn't want to give him the satisfaction (he was really one of those bragging types who would have told everyone), and that was when I was 17, and after him I didn't have another boyfriend. I didn't even WANT one, when Charlie came around. I had no desire whatsoever for a relationship considering I couldn't even keep up with the very very few friends I have and I am emotionally unstable. Plus, sex drive? Definitely nonexistent. But anyway somehow my body "woke up" a bit and I wanted to have sex with him, and we did, on Valentine's Day actually. But it honestly just happened that way, it certainly wasn't planned [ I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY WITH A PASSION! But I admit this year it was very nice, involving a nice dinner, good champagne and even better company :) ]. So anyway we became very close and I can say for sure that I love him. Also, a really strange thing happened after I had sex that first time: I got my period. Yes, my PERIOD which had been absent since Dec. 2000. Over 3 years! I got it like 3 days after I had sex. When I went to my doc for a regular check up/weigh in she said that having sex can actually kickstart it even though I am not healthy enough to be having one. I insisted, however, that this meant I didn't have to gain any more weight and was fine ;) Ha. I weighed 76 at the time but my doc thought I was somewhere around 80 (I don't let her weigh me very often). Anywho, I got my period and I immediately started on the birth control patch because now I actually had a reason to go on it. Plus, it was my plan to start it before anyone had a chance to see if my period would continue naturally -- because I suspected that it wouldn't. I figured that the patch would force it to come from now on and they would never be able to tell which it was - me or the birth control that was enabling me to have it. Clever aren't I? Anyway I am once again rambling but let me fast forward, AGAIN. So life was fairly ok then. Definitely was not suicidal because I started to have some optimistic thoughts planted into my head by Charlie. He was really motivating me more than I had been in sooo long. I cut back on b/p'ing. I was eating fear foods like cheese on my salad (feta) and keeping that down. Still basically just lettuce, tomatoes, onions and feta, but it was a start. Anyway, I would say I was doing better with my ED but I guess really I was just more anorexic than bulimic. But hell, when you purge as much as I do, I consider that "doing better" just not to be puking. Anyway... back to the flashing forward. Now it's March (obviously) and since then, life has become once again an unbearable black hole and tonight I spent the only spare moments that I was not bingeing or purging burning my wrist and thinking about how I should kill myself, and when.

How did I get to this point (again)?Charlie�s guilt about Johanna got worse, I saw less of him, he got more depressed and into his ED, I did as well (due to not having the distraction and time spent with him that had been keeping me from b/p�ing). We sort of broke up� except nothing close to those words was said. But the bottom line is I have only seen him once in the past 2 weeks and I used to see him every other day, at least. He doesn�t want to hurt Johanna, so he doesn�t want to tell her, yet he can�t stand sneaking behind her back. So we�re sort of stalled in this horrible situation of liking each other yet not really able to do anything. At first I was trying to be optimistic and making the best of things � we could still hang out a lot, but it would have to be more often with Johanna there too and he couldn�t come over as often (as in me sneaking him in my window in the middle of the night which I was doing before) at night � only when Johanna was at my dad�s. But as the days went by I was just falling worse into bulimia because I was already relapsing badly with b/p�ing (well, I never �Recovered� from that but I had reduced the frequency since January) before Charlie and I had this conversation � back when he was just really busy with school work and I was seeing less of him. So I just got worse and worse. And I swear, I tried to stop myself. It�s like a drug. Once I start b/p�ing I just cannot stop and I am such an all or nothing person. My depression and ED feed off one another so badly.

So here I am. I want to die. Each day I lose a little more hope and there wasn�t much there to begin with. I cannot live inside this body. I repulse myself and I think about death often. I know that at least for now, for today and this week I will not do it. But that only leaves me sad, and scared. I want out. I don�t know where to turn but I am afraid to end it all.

The last week, especially, has been awful. I'm too tired to write about this right now, because writing this entry has been very draining and once again food is distracting me :( I will try, try TRY to write again tomorrow.