Anyway, I'm feeling a little better today. But now it's 1:45am and I'm falling asleep as I type this. Not normal for me at all considering I am always up all night and this past week, when I've been sick, has been the only time in god knows how long that I've actually slept at night instead of during the morning/day. I know I must still be sick because I slept 12 hours last night and still had to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon because I was so exhausted. I've been fighting sleep since 7pm tonight, when I started to fall asleep again. Why? I have no logical explanation. Why do I always fight sleep? I'm either too anxious to sleep or I'm sleepy but fighting it unconsciously, which makes absolutely no sense.

I also forgot to say in my last entry that the reason I've been pretty sparsely online the past few months is that my laptop broke. I hate to use this computer (the family one) because it's not private. So I haven't been on the forums or on DL or anywhere online much. Mostly I spend my computer time playing card games. Anything to let me not think. Focus on something unimportant; attempt to escape from reality for as long as possible. I can't get a new computer until I can pay for most of it myself because money is very tight right now. I applied for a job and they never called me back. I must remember to call the store... I keep forgetting. Find out what the hell is up. I hope I get the job but honestly I know I don't have the strength to be on my feet for that many hours at a time. Michele (dietician) and my doc say I am not strong enough for this job (working at a grocery store) - that I need a desk job. I know they're right but damn, THIS IS THE ONLY FUCKING JOB I CAN FIND!!! And I need the money so bad.

Kind of a lot has happened in just the few days since I wrote... I'm going back inpatient at Rogers. I sort of lost it, mentally. Broke down crying and couldn't stop. I was so lonely I actually called my mom (she was gone at her boyfriend's house). But then I couldn't say anything and just cried on the phone and muttered something like "I don't feel well" through sobs. So she came home and I sort of told her that I was just feeling really awful and she thought I meant sick-wise but eventually the point came out that I'm just extremely depressed and don't know what to do anymore. I feel far too fat to be going into the EDU but I know that if I stay here like this much longer I will try to kill myself. I am willing to try some different meds and this unit is the best place I know of to do so because the psychiatrist is actually good with depression and other mental illnesses - he's just not good with EDs. I know I am going to be uncooperative with the ED protocol because I am just TOO FAT to be gaining the weight they want me to. So I'll probably end up leaving early. I don't know, we'll see how it goes. My mom called them that morning, after she came home, and I have already done the phone assessment. I'm getting my labs later this week, finishing up English and then I'm going. I just need to do one more book report and I'm done with my 12th grade English and then I will get my diploma. So I want to have that out of the way before I go.

Like I said I'm falling asleep so I'm going to end this now. My arm is throbbing so badly I think it's infected. It's covered in ciggarette burns which I have managed to keep hidden so far but am now cursing myself for not burning my legs because it will be summer soon. So far I've kept hidden from my family my scars from cutting (I don't do that anymore) on my ankles and no one has noticed the few burn scars I had... but this will be impossible to hide. I wish I hadn't done it. :(