I don't know where to start. Quite a lot has been going on since I last wrote. First of all, I've been staying with a TF'er (killkessa) for over a week since it wasn't working out with Megan (long story there... but she is selfish and insane and was taking advantage of me). I like "kessa" (won't put her real name here since I know she wouldn't want that) a lot so this is a better situation. But of course, I am b/p'ing tons. I would be doing this had I been at Megan's though, as well, since she b/ps everyday. Right now I need to escape from the reality of my sad situation so it's only natural I have returned my my coping mechanism of choice.

I found out that I cannot go home, because frankly I am not welcome there. Mostly by my dad, but I know that my mom also doesn't want me there. She is more willing to let me come home than my dad is, however. I don't even LIVE with my dad, so this is unfair. He will take my mom to court, he said, to get custody of my younger sister (the 17 year old) Jo if I come home. He says it's because if I come back to live with my mom it would be a bad environment for my sister because I am such a terrible person to live with an am corrupting and damaging her. This is bullshit because my sister has no ED issues whatsoever. I don't know how she escaped this monster, but she did. I do not "corrupt" her and am actually a source of support for her, since she only has one friend besides her friend that lives in Georgia (she moved away a few years ago), and she is depressed and of course I understand that. None of these accusations are coming from a valid source, it's just shit my dad has made up. But the bottom line is that even though I am sure my mom would win the case, she cannot afford the lawyer fees, so I can't put her through that additional expense. Plus, my dad will also cut off my insurance 100% and I will no longer have medical, dental or mental health coverage. Obviously I would be very fucked. Even if I go back to Rogers, my dad may still do this. But there is less of a risk of it happening right now. So back to Rogers I go, today. I have been putting it off over and over for various reasons. But I did finally get my blood tests, urine test and EKG taken on Saturday at the ER, and have been approved by Rogers, so now there is no excuse and I must go back.

I�ve had some good times during these 10 days or so in Madison (buffets mostly) with kessa (first I stayed with Megan, which was not nearly as fun), but now I have to face the music (and my empty bank account). I�m dreading this so much. Especially since I don�t know what to expect at all, since I have not been IP at Rogers before. I actually don�t have a choice whether I do IP verse residential, because almost immediately after I left, my bed was filled and there is now a waiting list. I know though, that what I really need is the IP treatment, because there was too much freedom at the EDC for me to manipulate. I know that I won�t be able to purge at Main, unless I want to humiliate myself and puke on the floor, that is.

The length of my stay has further been negotiated with my mom and because of the shit with my dad, 4 days isn�t going to cut it. I told her I am not staying a minute over 2 weeks. And actually, it may have to be less if I can�t get a bed at the EDC because the inpatient ED unit has an average stay of 5-7 days and they say it�s rare to stay over 10 days. My mom is ok with me just staying 2 weeks because then I would have stayed for a total of the �average� 45 days.

Today my mom and dad are both meeting with my dietician back at home. She has talked to the Rogers dietician and is disappointed in the program. She didn�t know I wouldn�t be monitored closely after eating so is now not endorsing my staying there. Hopefully, she will at least convince my dad that Rogers isn�t that great so he won�t be nearly as pissed about my leaving AMA. I�m still nervous about them meeting with her, though, especially without my being there. And she didn�t ask me if that was OK with me. I found out through my mom. So I�m pissed about that. Oh well, I�ll deal with that when I get back home.

To anyone who sent me mail at Rogers, if it arrived Oct. 22 or after, I did not get it. I hope they have not thrown it out. I am going to try to track it down when I go back today. I believe my new address is pretty much the same, but the EDC part is left out:

Ruth Kee

Rogers Memorial Hospital�Oconomowoc

34700 Valley Road

Oconomowoc, WI 53066