The day didn't suck as much as I had anticipated. I actually had a pretty nice time. I've been really depressed lately... feeling suicidal every day as opposed to just feeling generally depressed and shitty all the time. I had gotten used to that, had accepted this sort of blah state I live in, but when I am feeling like I just want to end it all... it's much harder to cope. I've been bursting into tears at random moments for no fucking reason and it's not the "good crying" where you feel better after... it's the kind where you're left feeling empty and so fucking alone like you're the last person on earth. And I just want to know WHY I feel so bad. Why do I have to be so unhappy. Why can't I just for once be happy. I forget what it feels like to be content. Oh god, here I am crying again. I WANT THIS TO STOP.

Back to my birthday before my pathetic sobbing gets out of control... I tried to go to bed last night earlyish, around 2am, because I have averaged an hour of sleep/night for over a week and I am turning loopy as a result. Couldn't sleep tho [how fucking typical] so just lay in bed for a long time, got up, b/p'ed yet again, though I had nothing to eat really [of course I found a way...]... went back to bed to lie there for another hour staring at the ceiling, choking back tears that come from no where with no logical explanation. Thinking that the next day I would be another year older and another 365 days gone by with nothing to show for it but an even more isolated existence. As I said to Sal, I'm going no where and I'm painfully aware of this fact. There were so many things I thought I would be doing by now, and I'm not accomplishing any of them. Yet I don't really feel the motivation to change this situation. I feel trapped in my ways.

Once again I am getting off track. That's what happens when you avoid writing in your stupid diary for so long because it's just too much effort and, as I said before, you keep crying for no reason and then hating yourself for being so sad and not knowing why and wanting to just know why you're crying so you might be able to stop. I have had these weird urges to go upstairs [my room is downstairs] and crawl into my mom's bed and curl up next to her. To have her comfort me. I'm fucking 19 years old. And the last time I slept in the same bed with my mom...? Can't remember. Not to mention, we are not at all close. I'm not one of those girls who has this unusually close bond with their mom or something. Not at all... I get annoyed just from being in the same room with her, most of the time. So it's particularly odd. And I might even do it, go up there and just cry and let her see me in my vulnerable state, except that I remember the conversation that was about me, while in Dallas. The first night we arrived there while I was "asleep" in the next room, my mom and grandparents and older sister all talked about me. For nearly 2 hours. I heard almost every word. And it was all bad. It was basically just a complete bashing of my entire personality and all the gory details of my shitty worthless life. Real fun. I won't get into that now. Once again, this entry was supposed to be about my birthday...

After finally drifting off to sleep at what I guess was around 7am I was awoken at 11am to a phone call from my one and only friend other than people I have met online, Mia. I thought she was out of town still, but when I asked where she was calling from [to wish me happy birthday] she said she was home now. So then I invited her out to dinner which was the original plan - that my mom and Mia and I would all go somewhere fun today and then out to dinner. But she said she couldn't. She was busy. I can't help but feel hurt about that, since it's my birthday after all... and I am wondering what was so imortant she couldn't spare an hour to go out to dinner. If I had other friends, it wouldn't be such a big deal. If I were having a birthday party, for example. But the truth is, she's all I had, she was the only person I could invite and I know she knows that. Ouch :( I had already had to spent the 4th of July all alone [literally... my mom and sister who live with me were in Seattle and my older sister was out with her boyfriend, so I sat at home all day while the block party went on outside, and alternated between b/p'ing, crying, and laying on the couch wishing my heart would stop racing and hoping I didn't die, yet wishing in a way I would...]. I had invited Mia to come hang out at the block party with me and had paid for her to come if she wanted but then found out she was going down to LA. If she had still been in LA today, then I would have understood about her not being able to come out to eat with us. But she was back in town today! I'm still upset about this I guess. I thought I didn't care. I guess I do.

Anyway, after that I was awake but still tired since I didn't really sleep but decided to get up anyway. Went upstairs and my mom ahd the kitchen all decorated! She had balloons and pink flamingo decorations everywhere. Let me explain the pink flamingoes ;) Awhile ago I decided to start doing pink accents in my room. Don't know where the urge struck me considering I have never really liked pink but anyway, I saw cute pink stuff at Urban Outfitters and that started it. Then I was thinking pink flamingoes would be cute. You know those classic plastic ones you see on front lawns sometimes. So I got these cute little flamingoes awhile ago and have these pretty star light-up lanterns that are pink, and 2 pink rugs from IKEA plus a white pink and white pinstripe bedspread and pillow cases from IKEA. And then oddly enough a few party stores started carrying pink flamingo stuff my mom said! They never did before which is what's weird. So anyway she had these cute pink flamingo and palm tree confetti on te table and a beach-y looking table cloth and pink flamingo plates and napkins and some other cute decorations. Plus this adorable pink flamingo stuffed animal :D Also, I was really happy that she bought me a cake this year. Last year she asked me if I wanted one and so of course I said no. When asked, I always decline such things but secretly want them. I just dont' want to deal with the "are you going to puke that" stares.... but this year decided to fuck it since I have nothing else to look forward to, really, than a nice meal and a nice cake and "immunity" from mean comments since it's my birthday. Anyway she got me a lemon cake with this buttercream frosting and white chocolate shavings on the edge and it's very lovely and was so yummy! And it had "Happy Birthday Ruth" on it which was cool... can't remember the last time I had a cake with the writing on it. I think it was probably the last time I had a real "party" for my bday, which would be 15...

The day was sent doing nothing particular. Just watching movies we rented yesterday and my mom had some errands to do which I was too tired to go with her on. Later in the afternoon my mom picked up my sister Lucy [the 21 y/o] and brought her back to our house and we hung out and watched the food network [gotta love food network!!!] for a few hours while my mom went to return something for me at IKEA and then we went out to dinner. We went to Il Fornaio which is this really nice Italian restaurant in Walnut Creek. I ate some french bread, and a bowl of tomato soup that was soooo yummy. It had big chunks of tomato in it and lots of olive oil and had some french bread floating in it that had soaked up all the nice tomato juice and was all soft and juicy. MmMm. Then my entree was a roasted chicken in a white wine sauce with mashed potatoes and sauteed veggies. It was really good, and I enjoyed it a lot. We had nice conversation the whole evening which was amazing and I actually laughed some. Oh and my mom actually ate her entree, plus I had my normal-eater sister there so I was not as self conscious as usual. Puked of course, but it wasn't a big deal. I actually contemplated not throwing this meal up, last night, but had to change that plan since I decided it was just way too many cals. After dinner we drove back home and I opened my presents. Not really anything since I bought all my presents ahead of time. No surprises that way but oh well. I did get a few little things tho. Two garnet rings which will have to be sized unfortunately because apparently size 5 ring is too big. But they're really pretty. Some earrings, a cute book on "Cat Bedtime Stories" which I am going to force Cheza [my cat] to listen to me read hehe and a Care Bears book which is too cute for words. Oh and a pair of Paul Frank flip flops I picked out months ago and had forgotten about. My grandparents sent me money, a wierd pillow with a cat face on it which is ugly but cute in an odd sort of way [lol you'd have to see it to know what I mean] and one other thing.. which I can't remember now. They also had bought me stuff from Urban Outfitters while I was in Dallas. I'll be getting a few more presents later since I haven't seen my dad yet, plus Lucy wanted to wait to give me her present when Chuck [her bf] was there too. I didnt want him to come out to dinner with us, because I'm just not comfortable eating around him... long story. I'm just not comfortable around him in general, but anyway...

After the presents I cut the cake I had made on the 4th of July [was for the block party but I was too shy to go put it out there so I never did] and blew out candles. Conveniently, Lucy had to go then so my mom left to take her home and I was able to eat some cake and puke before she got back. Then we watched some movies until just now, when she went to bed. And that was my dad. Boring, yes, but basically more eventful then most of my days.

Back to Mia. I talked to her briefly and we made tentative plans for tomorrow. Which I realized later can't happen because, joy to the world, I have a Dr. Lowen appointment tomorrow. As well as group therapy but I don't think I'll be going because I think my Dr. appt will be too close to make it in time. So I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because I'm just not in the mood [when am I ever, though] to see her and go through the inevitable weight battle. She'll want to weigh me, I'll say no, and she'll spend half an hour trying to convince me. Oh, plus blood work. And I'll have to get an EKG since I didn't last time when she wanted me to and that was over a month ago. I think I should do it this time though because my heart has been feeling funny lately...

I'm tired now though. So I'm going to go tp bed and hopefully be able to sleep. Thanks to everyone who left me a nice note or PM and remembered my birthday :) That really means a lot to me.

Oh and I have one picture to share from Dallas:

That's me in the middle, my sister Lucy (21) on the left and Johanna (16) on the right. I am puffy and gross and had gained weight if anyone recalls but oh well :/