I had to go to Dr. Lowen on Monday. I hadn't seen her in about a month because I put it off a few weeks, and then she was out of town, and then she was all booked up since getting back in town, and so lucky me got put off until July 7th when my mom called on June-something to make an appointment. She gave me a "birthday present"! Actually it was just something she got for me, but when she learned it was my birthday the previous day she said it was my birthday present, lol. It's a little kaola holding an Australian flag and wearing a red cap and a little red jacket and it's a clip that you can clip on to stuff like a desk lamp. She was in Australia. I am so jealous!! I want to go there so badly. She got to see kangaroos and wallabies and HOLD A KAOLA! She showed me her pictures and they were so adorable. I also saw some pictures of her two daughters. I didn't even know she had any kids!

As usual she was being melodramatic and saying I looked like I had lost weight and blah blah blah. In fact I had edema and had been drinking like a camel in an effort to make this retention go away, so I was weighing a huge amount at the moment. I had no intention of getting weighed because that would just be far too embarassing. No matter how many times Deirdre or Dr. Lowen tell me that they don't think I am "fat" or that I am "fat" if I gain weight, I still don't like to get weighed if I weigh more. Or even the same... basically if I'm not 75 or less, I don't want to get weighed. I just feel too big and don't want anyone to know. But she really is damn persuasive. Plus, I knew if I weighed in that day it would be a huge false number which, although that's hard on me emotionally, it would get her off my back for a while. I had already told her about how much fluid I was retaining, and she could see it in my legs, and also how much I had been drinking that day [I'd been up for hours and hours since I hadn't been sleeping hardly at all and had already consumed 2 liters of crystal light, 2 liters of diet coke, and a few cups of tea, and I hadn't peed much.], so I reasoned that it was pointless for her to weigh me ANYWAY, since the number wouldn't be accurate. "Why do you want to get my weight when you know it wouldn't even be what I really weigh?" and she just said that she wanted a "Ball park figure" *eye roll* So fine, what-the-fuck-ever I gave in and did it since I only let her weigh me about once a month, at most [usually it ends up being every 2 months or so, lol] so I knew I wouldn't have to do it again for a long time if I did it that day. 80 fucking pounds. Gross fat pig. I know I don't/didn't weigh that much really, with all that fluid... but seeing that number made me wince all the same. The only thing that made me feel slightly better was that when I got on the scale she first put the marker on 70 and then slowly moved it up and up, as if she were surprised I weighed that much. She still made a fuss though about my weight, as usual. I guess she thinks that if she didn't, she would be sending me the message that my weight's fine, or something. So I got the "You need to gain!" lecture once again. "But at least you're not 50 pounds. I was really worried looking at you" Um yeah, EXAGGERATION MUCH!?! Come on Dr. Lowen! Even if I looked less than 80 that is no where near 50! Sorry, but how can I take anything seriously from her if she is so melodramatic like that? But she's not as bad as she sounds here, I guess. I mean she's really nice, and she *does* know her stuff, as far as EDs go, but her comments can be over the top sometimes.

Anyway, the rest of the appointment was just the usual stuff. Had my bp taken by the new, clueless nurse again. I guess she is not so "new" anymore, but she has only been there a little over a month. This woman cannot take a frickin pressure! She puts the cuff on so loose and then pumps it TWICE, I kid you not, before she releases it. You know how you have to pump it a bunch of times, till it's REALLY tight, and then let go? And then when I stand up, because it's so loose, it just slids right down and ends up being around my ELBOW. So um I sincerely doubt I ever get an accurate reading with her. Not that it matters since my bp is always fine now thanks to all the ephedra and the stress of being at the doctor's. I had an EKG since I had been a little worried about my heart lately... especially after the 4th of July weekend. It was normal, of course. I was meant to have blood drawn but there wasn't time because my appointment was at 4:45pm but it wasn't until 5pm that I saw Dr. Lowen and by the time we were all done it was past 6 'o clock and the blood lab closes at 5. Usually the woman will let me come in late but by this time it was all locked up. No one was left in the office but me and Dr. Lowen, not even any of the receptionists! It reminded me of my first appointment there because on that day I had a late afternoon appointment too, I think it was at 4 or 4:30pm, and since it was my first appointment it took a looooooong time because they did just about every test imageinable and took my complete history, and by the time we were done it was just me and Dr. Lowen in the building [and my mom]. I can't even remember when that was. I'd have to look back in my diary. I don't remember the first time I went to group, either. My memory really has turned to mush. Speaking of group, I didn't go because I would have been late, and I was exhausted by this point. Group is from 6-7:30pm and it was past 6 by the time I got out of the doctor's, plus group is in Concord and the doctor's is in Walnut Creek and with rush hour traffic I would have been at least half an hour late. Oh, plus my mom had taken me and she had to be somewhere and I was getting the "Well I don't have to go..." guilt-inducing line so I knew that really meant that if I caused her to miss her thing, she'd end up whining about it. So we went home.I had individual on Wednesday but ended up just doing a phone session because I couldn't be bothered to drive out there. Shh don't tell Deirdre (Saga) -- I told her my car's blinker broke and it was in the shop getting fixed so I had no way of getting here ;) It wasn't actually a total lie because my blinker DID break just the day before, but it was already fixed. Not like I give a shit about lying anyway... it's second nature to me now. It's funny though, some things I just can't lie about, but when it comes to lying to my mom or doctor about what I ate/what I weigh, I don't feel the least bit guilty.

Fuuuuuuuck. My tooth still hurts. It's only getting worse :( I took 4 extra strenth Ibuprofen and it's not helping at all. And I just realized when I looked at the tooth in the mirror that this is the tooth that already HAD a cavity. So it's got a filling in there already. I wonder what the hell that means. Will they have to pull it then? Since obviously just filling it won't do a thing if it's already filled, and still hurting...? Crap, I just know I'll get a lecture if that happens.