My LA trip sucked and I left early. Mia was much busier than I thought she was going to be and I was basically on my own since the moment I got there. Her friend came over that night and I felt like a third wheel... they were laughing and sharing inside jokes and I felt really out of place. Her friend was supposed to be over to study for a midterm, so I understood why she had to have her over... but they didn't even study and I felt completely invisible the whole time. It doesn't help that I am so socially phobic and I was so exhausted that I'm sure her friend now thinks I'm a total loser because I said only about 3 words the whole evening. It was hard because Sharon, her friend, is like her new best friend and I just feel replaced... even after we had dropped Sharon off at a party (to which Mia ran in to say goodbye to the person who's party it was, leaving me alone in the car which made me feel even more lonely), all Mia could talk about was how great Sharon is and how she is like her long lost sister. Blah blah blah. I'm happy that she has friends, of course, and it's not like I was ever her only friend, but I just felt so down on myself -- like I am such a boring, pathetic loser and talking about nothing but how cool Sharon is and waiting around in an empty car while Mia is inside at this party, without asking me if I want to come in... wasn't really the kind of catching up quality time I had anticipated spending with Mia. That night I couldn't sleep and ended up never even coming close to falling asleep and so I went my 4th night in a row sleepless. The next day was worse because Mia was going to be gone from 7am till at least 8pm and if I wanted to leave her apartment I would be stuck outside it all day because I didn't have a key to get back in. I knew I would just get lost and I was too tired to really do anything, anyway. Not to mention my car's transmission started leaking fluid on the drive down there and it was getting worse at worse to the point where it was near stalling just from driving the 2 blocks to re-park my car after I got to Santa Monica... so I was nervous about driving it around the area and having it stall somewhere and me being completely lost with Mia unreachable at class/work. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to sleep again that night (I had actually taken all my sleeping meds, and more than usual, so considering I couldn't sleep WITH those, I doubted the next night would be any different) and was worried about driving home when I had gone 5 nights w/o sleep... I felt alert enough to drive that day (Wednesday) so just decided to get my car fixed enough to get home and leave that morning. Mia didn't seem hurt by my leaving since she was too busy to spend any time with me anyway (I don't blame her, I know she is really busy), so I did end up leaving that morning. The drive home was pretty nice though, and I stopped at lots of little towns along the way. I took 101 north instead of the 5, and that is a lot more scenic/fun route, so I enjoyed myself despite being exhausted. I went shopping in Santa Barbara and got some cute clothes for my mom to give me for my birthday in July. The drive took soooo long though, much longer than the drive down to S.M. because of all the stops I had to make at garages to get more transmission fluid (I was leaking it pretty fast and no one could tell me why without keeping my car overnight) and I got home past midnight. At that point I was hallucinating things in the road which was really scary. Like I would think I saw a person standing in the middle of the road and would slam on my breaks. Luckilly I was pretty much the only car on the road so it didn't matter that I was driving kind of wacky.

I saw Dr. Hakimi for the second time yesterday. I really like her and am pretty sure I am going to switch therapists because I'm sick of Deirdre and she isn't helping me at all. I dread going to my appointments with her and probably average once a month as a result. Dr. Hakimi is also really close by to my house which beats driving to Concord. She is much more in-sync with Michele and is supportive of me going inpatient at Rader or the EDU in Kansas City (where Caroline is). My mom wants me to go to Rader instead of Kansas City because it means I won't have to pay for a flight out there and can just drive instead. She promised that if I didn't like it though, I could go to the Kansas City hospital instead. So it looks like I am going to be going to Rader. I have really mixed feelings about going. Michele says she worries about me more than any of her other patients and thinks my body is just going to give out soon but I can't convince myself that that is even a slight possibility... I feel too fat to go but I am going to try to make it work, anyway. I know I can always leave if I want to, so that is a comforting thought. And if it will make me less depressed and get me to stop purging so much then I think it's worth it. I just don't want to gain weight :/ Speaking of purging, though, that was a plus of my trip to LA. I didn't purge at all Tuesday or Wednesday and just once on Thursday which is a vast improvement. I restricted to 500/600 calories on Tues. and Wed. though and I was still in a lot of stomach distress which worries me because when I get to Rader I am going to have to eat a lot more than that. I think I'll get so bloated I'll probably explode. After just the 500-600 calories I looked like I had binged on pounds and pounds of food, that's how distended I was. I hate going thru this process. I think maybe it would be better if I was on a liquid diet. Food just sits in my gut and doesn't move, even though it's been months since I abused laxatives.

Right now my Rader admit date is this Sunday. I keep post-poning it but I think I'd feel too guilty to do that again, because the person who has been cordinating everything for me has been so nice and patient with me. I would love to have some pen pals while I am gone, so if anyone wants to write to me (I'll be there starting Sunday, April 18th) I promise to write back :) I just got the address and patient phone #:

Ruth Kee

Pacific Shores Hospital

2130 North Ventura Road

Oxnard, CA 93036

phone = (805) 604-1216

I might post this again but I thought I would put it in here now before I lose it. Also, who knows if I will write again before I go. I'll try to but it's been hard to get myself to do anything lately. Every day sucks and at the end of it I just want to forget what has happened and not re-live it. For example at Safeway the other day I got rude comments from the checker and ended up in tears. I wish people would just mind their own business. It was totally inappropriate and I meant to write to them and complain but of course never got around to it. It was like 7 at night, so it wasn't even a "weird" time (I am often there at 3am) and it was a checker I had never seen before, so he couldn't have recognized me... and I wasn't even buying that much. 2 sandwiches, 2 slices of cake (packaged as slices, not a whole cake) and I think a few yogurts or something. I can't recall, but it wasn't that much food. And even if it was hello, it's a grocery store, and it's none of his fucking business what/how much I buy! So anyway, as he starts to ring up my food he exclaims (loudly) "Boy, someone's hungry!" what the hell? First of all, people go grocery shopping regardless of if they are hungry or not, because the "normal" thing to do is to buy more than 1 day's worth of food at a time. I didn't know what to say so I just laughed awkwardly, as if I thought he was funny (he certainly thought he was) and said something about how I realized I had no food in my house. Then he says "Well, after this you still won't!" which left me dumbfounded because I had no clue what the hell he meant by that. He couldn't possibly know I was going to barf this all up but I couldn't think what else he could mean except to imply I was going to eat it all tonight?! I didn't say anything and was just holding out my money because everything had been rung up but he kept going and said "Gonna gain some weight? I see you have cake!" I couldn't believe he had said that by thankfully he finally took my fucking money and I just got the hell out of there. How rude to comment that I was going to gain weight from what I was buying - that's the last thing anyone wants to hear at the grocery store! Not to mention it's fucking RUDE! Plus I was wearing a baggy sweatshirt and took it to mean that I shouldn't be eating the cake because I was going to get fatter. What a dick. And to think that I went to his line because I recognized the other checker and didn't want him to recognize me. I should have just stuck with him because at least he doesn't make rude comments to me, no matter how odd my purchases or the fact that I'm in there at 2, 3, or 4am. I hate 99% of the people on this fucking planet. I wish now that I had said something back to him but I couldn't for the life of me think of a comeback even after the fact. What should I say the next time someone says something rude like that?? I'm open to suggestions. I'm sick of being a doormat and not sticking up for myself. I think I'd feel better if I said something nasty back to him instead of letting him get to me. I have gotten so many rude comments from store clerks and I remember almost all of them, which is really fucking sad to think about how I let idiotic people affect me.