i meant to write sooner but the days have slipped by unnoticed to me once again. i've been sleeping so much... after every purge i take a nap and sometimes that "nap" ends up being 8 hours. thursday night i didn't get much sleep, only 5 hours, but i then fell asleep from 10am till 2pm, only awakening because my phone was ringing so loudly. it was robin calling from rader (assessment lady) to check-in with me. that woman is so nice. she has called me so many times i've lost count and after each time we speak she tells me to call the next day to "check-in" with her. it's kinda funny, she's like my third therapist or something. yes, third... i am seeing 2 now, simultaneously. the inevitable "switch" will have to happen soon but in the meantime i am still technically seeing deirdre (though i haven't had an individual session in quite some time) as well as dr. hakimi (manda), whom i really like. i've seen her twice now and i am sure that i like her more than deirdre and want to change, yet i'm still kind of scared to. i am not sure why i feel apprehensive, other than the fact that i just loathe change. i think that it's my ED that is scared to change, because i know that with deirdre i have basically been left alone to continue my self destructive path. but anyway, friday's "nap" caused me to miss my micehele appointment which was at 11am... i feel really bad about that because it's certainly not the first time i've slept through an appointment with her. i left a message apologizing profusely and asking if she still had the 4pm slot open (originally i had an appt at 4pm but i changed it to 11am which was DUMB of me)... but she didn't call me back. normally she calls me back right away and if i had missed an appointment she usually calls within an hour of it to see where i am. but this time she didn't. i'm worried she's mad at me and i just feel so awful about the whole thing. there is still no message from her and i know she was in the office today (saturday). so after sleeping those 4 hours i was awake until 4pm waiting to hear back from michele, to see if i could come in at 4... but then when she didn't call by 3:30 i gave up, binged, purged, and went back to sleep. this time i didn't wake up until 4am. i was so disoriented i actually thought it was 4 in the afternoon. but then i realized i had fallen asleep around 4:30pm and it was dark outside so it must be 4AM now, not pM... really depressing. i felt weak with hunger and trudged upstairs to eat some pretzels and cottage cheese which of course ended up in the toilet. back to bed at 6am, slept till 4pm today. god damn that's a lot of sleep in total. and all i did today after i woke up was go with my mom to "bed bath and beyond" to buy a blanket to take with me to rader (all mine are queen sized and too big to take), and after that i was worn out. once i got home i took another 2 hour nap. then i b/p'ed again, slept another hour, watched the food network for a few hours, and that brings me to now, almost midnight. what a gripping life i do lead. my new admit date for rader is now tuesday, due to the fact that my car is not going to be fixed enough to drive all the way to oxnard, so i am having to take amtrak. i took my car into a transmission specialist and they said it's going to be $1800-$2500 to fix it :( i'm still able to drive it but not great distances so i had to take amtrak instead. rader is only about 5 hours away from my house by car, but it's going to take 12 hours on the train to get there which sucks because i'll be getting in around 7pm IF the train is on time, and it probably won't be because i hear that amtrak commonly runs several hours late... i'm worried that i'll be stuck at the train station, alone, in the dark, waiting for my ride to come pick me up from rader (if the train is late). oh well i guess i shouldn't worry about that now since that isn't going to do any good.
so, tuesday. that's when i'm leaving, at 7am. i'm realizing now how soon that is. holy shit, i only have 2 more full days before i have to leave. i'm panicking. i have to pack, i have to clean my room, i have to make sure there is nothing "bad" (embarassing) for my mom to find while i'm gone -- since she probably will go through my room like she did last time. only this time, i'm sure she won't admit it, but i have no confidence that she will respect my privacy, so i had better be prepared. thanks to my stacker 3s i have a bit of energy right now so i think i had better go start on my room instead of wasting more time on the internet. there are a lot of notes i want to return, and i promise i will do so before i leave (maybe later tonight because i think i won't sleep tonight). i feel really bad because there are some PMs i have neglected to respond to just due to feeling too mentally exhausted or being too busy stuffing my face... errrr.
i suck, i'm sorry.
