Just a little over 24 hours from now I have to leave for Rader. I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off all night... doing load after load of neglected laundry, meticulously folding everything just so, mentally going over in my mind all the things I have to do today, trying desperately to at least make my room appear to be clean/organized/untempting for my mom to root through. I have no trust whatsoever in her to respect my privacy, so better safe than sorry... A few hours ago I made a "trash run" which always gets me so worked up and paranoid that someone will see me and call the cops on me. I know that seems highly unlikely but I actually know someone who was arrested for throwing out trash in her neighbor's bin so I know its possible. I always throw out my trash (foodstuff) at this big parking lot near my house, where there are lots of shops and a grocery store because I can't throw it away at home because I'm afaid my mom would notice how we have much more trash than usual and would question me about it. So I go to great lengths to dump it in the bin in the middle of the night when no one's around.

I'm so sick of all this. I hate having to go to such great measures to hide my behaviors. I wish I could just stop eating. Restricting anorexia is so much "cleaner" than bulimia... no worries about trash, or being caught bingeing/purging. And I didn't have to always worry that my mom would find evidence in my room while I was out of the house. Often I won't go anywhere just for that reason - I don't want my mom to go in my room while I'm gone and I'd have no way of knowing if she did or not and it's not worth the risk or the worry it causes me. Bulimia numbs me much better than just not eating ever did, and of course I love food (but fucking hate it at the same time), so its not without its benefits, but I don't think it's worth all the risks anymore. Not to mention how it wrecks my metabolism much worse than restricting ever does, or that I have completely eroded all my teeth and will eventually have to spend a fortune to fix them all. And I waste so much money on food; I feel so ashamed and guilty. If the guilt and shame of my pathetic academic and social life weren't enough to make me feel like shit, I need only to think about how much money I have wasted in the past week, month, year... that alone is enough to make me wish I were dead. I would like to think that I could just b/p "occasionally" so as to indulge without the usual consequences, and numb out when I need to, but I can't seem to get it to that point of control. For me it's all or nothing. Either purge every goddamn piece of food I eat, and binge all the fucking time because, of course, I will always be hungry if I'm purging everything, or not do it at all. I haven't gotten to the point of "not at all" in quite some time though. It's so hard to break the cycle.

Speaking of bingeing, why is it that both "binging" and "bingeing" are technically correct? I looked it up in the dictionary because I wanted to be sure once and for all which was the correct spelling and had always been too lazy to look before, but both spellings were listed!! This is what it said under the verb form of binge: "intr.v. binged, bing�ing, or binge�ing bing�es" Well gee, no wonder no one spells it consistently one way or the other. Both ways look wrong to me. This is completely stupid, why am I even writing about this? As you can probably tell, food is on my mind. *eye roll*

Kristina called me tonight from Tulsa, where she is still staying with her mom in an apartment and doing OP treatment at Laureate. She is being discharged any day now. Her insurance has finally pulled out. I'm amazed how much it has covered for her in the past so I'm not susprised, but I wish that she could have at least another month there. I'm so worried about her. Her mom is needing to go back home to Dallas and she will either have to be alone in Tulsa or have some family friend stay with her there, or go back home. Both scenarios aren't ideal. She wanted me to come stay with her, and her mom would even pay to have me fly out there. It's breaking my heart that I can't because I already have my Amtrak ticket to Rader and everything is set. I've pushed back the admit date so many times already, my mom would kill me if I backed out again. But I feel like Kris needs me more and putting it off another week or two wouldn't matter. I'm pretty much stuck though, because even if *I* see it that way, I know my mom won't. Plus I know we wouldn't be able to change my ticket and thus would be wasting all that money and have to buy a new ticket, and since we already wasted money on my ticket to Wisconsin I never used, I would feel really awful to do that to my mom since we can't afford this as it is. Why does my timing for everything always suck??? Nothing good ever comes at the right time. And once I'm at Rader it will be much harder to stay in touch with Kris every day. I hope she'll be ok :(

I was looking at the Rader website just now and am feeling less anxious about going. It says over and over that there is not very much emphasis on weight. And that you aren't forced to eat, and that there is no punishment/reward system (Rogers claimed they didn't have a punishment/reward system either, but they really did). It says "Most treatment programs utilize a reward and punishment system. We do not utilize such systems because they are ineffective. Individuals with eating disorders have spent enough time punishing themselves already. Rader Programs' approach is centered on the individual. All aspects of the individual's life are explored and addressed in a supportive environment. We do not concentrate solely on the symptoms of the eating disorder or focus on dieting." That could be total BS, of course... just as Rogers claimed to not have its level system based on punishment/reward, when in truth it was, but I'm hopeful that that's actually true because I remember when I was at Rader for the tour, and the patients were telling me how they go on walks and there is an outing to the park once/week, and I asked if everyone was allowed to go or if you had to "earn" that, and they said everyone was allowed to go. I know that I could have tried harder at Rogers and then would have been allowed to go on the outings, and move up a level, but I still don't think the system was fair because some people were given priveleges without doing certain things, while other people weren't allowed those same priveleges. It didn't seem like there was consistent rule enforcement. And because even when I *did* do what I was supposed to, and I was making positive progress, no one acknowledged that and I was still on the lowest level possible, and that just got me so depressed that I gave up trying to advance my level at all and just resigned myself to being on Red and never getting to do anything. And I'm no the only one... Martha eventually gave up with the Levels too. I'm really babbling here aren't I? It's 5:15 now, maybe that's why. I can't sleep though -- too much to do.

A few people have asked me for the mailing address/phone number at Rader so I'll type it up again:

Ruth Kee
c/o Pacific Shores Hospital
2130 North Ventura Road
Oxnard, CA 93036

I haven't had a chance to test out this phone number obviously, but I was told this is how I can be reached when I'm there: 805-604-1216

I'll be lonely I'm sure, so any mail would be appreciated and I promise to write back :) When I was at Rogers mail was the only thing that brightened my days. OK, enough pity-party-ing ;)

Got to go pack some more. I wanted to be done on Sunday with the packing so I would have one less thing to do today but of course that didn't happen!