I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I don't want to go!

... Been a sobbing pathetic mess the past few hours with the realization that yes, I am indeed leaving for IP treatment, and yes, I will be giving up all freedom and security and my beloved animals. This is how it went last time with Rogers as well. Beforehand I was mostly just anxious and worried about packing and forgetting things and cleaning my room and all that entailed, but by the time I had arrived in Milwaukee with my mom and we were at the hotel room (spent the night as we got in late, and I was admitted the next morning) I guess it all finally sunk in and I broke down crying. I am not even sure why I would be feeling homesick (or whatever you call the feeling prior to homesickness - when you know you are going to be really sad soon and are therefore just sad in anticipation of that homesickness you know is inevitably going to hit you like a ton of bricks [how's that for a run-on sentence?!]) because it is not as if I don't feel miserable every damn day here at home. But at least it is comfortable. It is safe because I know what to expect and I don't have to deal with change all that often. And why is it that when I am removed from my mom whom I spend 99% of my time being annoyed and pissed off at, I suddenly seem to regress ten years and start longing to be hugged and nurtured? Normally I shrug off all contact between us. But the separation from her, from my sister, from my home, that I went through last year at Rogers, was very traumatic as I felt abandoned and alone and unloved in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, USA. All of those emotions have come flooding back to me tonight as I face leaving again. I want to back out but I don't really have that option. Of course it is always technically an option but it doesn't feel like it because I know my mom would be more than pissed off and everything has been arranged, not to mention my "treatment team" would be mad at me as well. Why is it that I become like a little child again just from leaving home? I know that this has been influenced by my ED but I'm not sure why it would cause that reaction. But I do know that I never had a problem being away from home for sleepovers or for weeks during the summer at camp... yet more recently (the past few years) the separation anxiety from home has gotten so bad. Like when I wanted to escape from all the complications at home, and flee to LA where I thought I would be safe with my friend Mia, yet as soon as I got there all I wanted to do was get back in my car and go straight home, because I felt even more lonely there than I had when I was *truly* without friends back home.