Home. Again. Quite a lot has happened since I last updated. I left Rader when my insurance ran out, and returned home Sunday (May 16) night, only to leave again the next morning. I drove the 5 hours back to Oxnard to visit my friend Siobhan who had just been discharged from inpatient to partial. Seeing everyone again was great� though only a day had passed it felt a lot longer and already I was getting more depressed without all the support. Besides programming from 10-4 (for her) I got to spend a lot of time with Siobhan which was nice. I filled up Tuesday shopping for her birthday present. I planned on staying until Wedesday (May 19) and then driving Siobhan (she lives close) and myself home, but things changed when her insurance decided she could stay longer and I ended up getting readmitted on Wednesday after a breakdown Tuesday night. I was a lot worse off going in on Wednesday than I had been on Sunday and I don�t know what to attribute such a fast downward spiral. Sunday I had felt mixed emotions about leaving� partly happy (the eating disordered part of me not wanting to gain weight) but mostly sad, knowing that deep down I found life in the hospital much better than �real life� � a very sad realization. The head of the program often gets patients� lengths of stay increased by talking to their insurance company, and I could have asked for him to try to get me more time, but I didn�t. Because I was afraid I *would* get more time. What if I was told I could stay another month? Or more? All I could think of was how fat I would get. So I didn�t ask, and my friends in the program begged me to stay longer, telling me I needed it. My psychiatrist wanted me to stay another 2 months. But he knew my insurance was out so I was discharged and it wasn�t AMA. But my Wednesday I was suicidal and it came down to either admitting myself back in, or not being able to because of insurance and most likely killing myself. I didn�t really see any hope for myself but to go back. I hate life.Lucky for me my case was examined and I got 30 more inpatient days so I was readmitted on Wednesday (May 19). I would still be there except that I got kicked out on Monday (May 24). A shitload of stuff has happened in that short span of time � from the 16th to the 24th. I�m not sure where to even start. I spent a month becoming so close to Siobhan and then she ended up betraying me and causing me to get kicked out in the end. She got jealous that I had another friend in the program, Carrie� I know this sounds incredibly immature, and it is. Of course the situation is more complicated than that, but that is the extremely shortened version. Over the weekend I snuck out a window with some other girls and we would have gotten away with it had Siobhan not told on us. Siobhan didn�t come but I told her about it later. I never thought she�d tell on me. It�s really fucked up. And the more fucked up thing is that 4 people snuck out, and I am the only one who was kicked out of the program. Where�s the justice in that?
I�ll add more details later. I got back from Oxnard a few hours ago and am exhausted.
