And I haven't even mentioned the worst of our sleeping arrangements; My mom and Robert decided that Fenua and Malaya each needed to have a bedroom, so they went and bought a sleeper sofa, and are literally sleeping on a foldout couch in the living room. WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS RIDICULOUS? I just don't understand, why did they have to rush this. My mom already spent like every moment with Robert. I don't think she's seeing him anymore than she was before... basically the kids would be here all day when he had them (he shares custody with his ex) and we'd have dinner or whatever, and they'd go home... to HIS house. What is so bad about that? She still was seeing Robert at least 1/2 the nights of the week, because he has basically been living here for awhile. I liked him at the beginning... I still like him, as a person, but I'm just not coping with this. I feel so immature; I should be able to handle my mom getting married. But since I *haven't* had to get used to a guy living with us for all the years she has been divorced -- whenever she had a boyfriend she would go over to their place to sleep, and has never brought anyone home before Robert -- I am just as freaked out as a little kid would be, because it's foreign to me. And I'm really pretty hurt right now, that my mom didn't tell me that this weekend was going to be "operation: family" or something. I mean last we talked, it was going to be a "few months" before they "gradually" moved in. Well, um, everyone seems to be living here and no one asked me how I felt about it. The thing that gets me, is I feel like there is no room for me, and I am being pushed out, which I would understand BUT my mom is the one who didn't want me to move out yet, to move to Dallas -- I "wasn't ready" and blah blah blah. She is the one who insisted I wait. Well so I waited, and now am not in a position to move, because whenever I am at home I regress, so of course that is what I've done, and now I am cornered in this overcrowded house with no money and no stability and no where to go. I want to go but I don't want to leave my house, my animals. I just want it back the way it used to be. That setup was not ideal but it was a hell of a lot better than this.

At night, with my mom and Robert sleeping in the living room, that means the computer (with the internet, I am typing on my laptop which has no ISP) is right next to that room, in the dining room, and there isn't even a door connecting the two. I know I'm selfish, but dammit, I would really like to be able to stay up late and be on the computer and watch tv or whatever else. I am a night person, not matter how hard I try not to be. And it's seriously the only time I feel I can get some peace, some quiet. It's *my* time, and with all these new changes I especially need it. Last night, when Fenua and Malaya were here also, I tried to just go to bed when I got back from visiting with my sister (older one), because Robert and my mom were already in "bed" (that damn sofa"), but I couldn't. Even with 20mg Ambien, it took me hours to fall asleep. I think I actually took 30... I remember being half-awake, hallucinating, and taking another pill. Ambien makes me hallucinate if I don't fall asleep right away on it. Anyway, it sucked. I was peeing every 10 minutes from the Adderall and coffee, trying to get some work done on my psychology class (correspondence college class) which is really stressing me out, and having to worry about waking anyone up. I couldn't even brush my teeth properly because my electric toothbrush is so loud. It's just these little things, that add up, and making me want to pull my hair out. I want to BINGE, and I can't. I am sure I will end up doing so in my room. I have already had to go back to puking in bags. I've only done this a few times in the last week, but I'm terrified it will get bad again, the accumulation of trash/puke, and I won't be able to get rid of it all. I don't have the option of going out the front door at night, because now my mom is literally right by the door, and I would surely wake her up. Even if I snuck out my window she would hear my car most likely... I will probably end up doing that anyway, sneaking out my window that is, but it's not like I really have anywhere to go. If I don't get that job at Michael's I am surely going to go insane. I applied, and I talked to the manager, so I am hoping I get hired. If I had work to escape to maybe things wouldn't be so bad. As it is right now, I spend most of my days "out" but I don't really go anywhere. I just go to the doctor's, or therapy, and spend literally 2 hours a day in Longs Drugs. I've made 3 trips to my doctor in the past week. The last two times were to pick up a prescription form that kept getting messed up at the pharmacy. I could have waited until this Friday, when I have an appointment, but I have no life, so why not drive all the way out there? ... I am so pathetically fucked up.

On a slightly more positive note, I have been talking to Cameron on the phone every other night. He's living in a halfway house, which he moved into about a month ago after completing rehab for crack, and alcoholism. He is doing really well. He sounds like he truly wants to get better, wants to stay sober and work his program. He's going to stay at the house for as long as he feels he needs; when I first spoke to him there he said he might stay a year, but now I think he is feeling more stable, and is saying he thinks he might move out in 5 or 6 months, but "only if I am ready" so I'm glad I don't have to worry constantly about him. I used to worry so much about him... living all the way in CA it's not like I could know what was going on with him, and my mind naturally tends to assume the worst in every situation. He wrote me a letter when he was in rehab and I cried. Because it means so much that he actually wrote me a letter. First of all, very few guys do that, and Cameron has never written me a letter, well not that I can remember anyway. And second of all, I know how it is to be in a treatment... the last thing you want to do is write letters. People write you, and you're happy, and want to write them back... but somehow, just don't. Can't. I remember this so well from Rader, and Rogers. So I know that it probably took a lot for him to write that while he is trying to deal with all his emotions and thoughts without any crack or booze to numb them out. It was short, but it was perfect. He could have written simple "Hi Ruth, see you soon" and I probably would have been just as overjoyed, but he wrote about how he was sorry that he hadn't seen me much the last few times I was in Dallas, and explained it was due to drugs, etc. Of course I already understand all of this, and there is no need to apologize. But he feels he needs to. We've been talking, and it's been ok. It's hard, for me to talk without some chemical altering my mind, because I worry so much, and can't seem to just "let loose" but slowly I am getting there, I think. This is a horrible thought, but I found myself thinking "We'll never be able to get drunk... can a relationship even exist without alcohol?" I mean it's not that I haven't loved a guy without alcohol. It's just that it helps ease tension so much. You just feel so relaxed. I feel like I would need that "help" to be myself. But I also know, that if I want to be around Cameron, I have to be 100% sober, because I would kill myself if I ever influenced him in a bad way. He's worked really hard and is trying to surround himself with people who don't do any drugs or drink. : : Abnormally long sigh : : life is really complicated. I feel overwhelmed right now. I am overcrowded, my ADD brain is over stimulated, my mind is stressed to the max about this psychology class, ever since I learned that our final exam, which has to be given at some college, is worth 75% of the course grade. 75%! And that is in addition to the huge amount of work that I am doing for a meager 25% of my total grade.

It's 3am now. Between 11pm and now, I have taken 1800 mg of Neurontin. I didn't want to take my Ambien because I was so groggy today. I just couldn't get up and only did get up because I wanted to go to the doctor's to get my Dexrostat prescription. I'm switching to dextroamphetamine in hopes it works better for me than the Adderall, because I am still having problems with my ADD symptoms. Anyhow, normally if I take 600mg Neurontin at night, which I am supposed to take with my 20mg Ambien, I will fall asleep... but I guess the difference is I was binging/purging more than I am now, so it was easier to fall asleep when I was in an exhausted state. I could fall asleep -- albeit very late sometimes -- but at least I could fall asleep, most of the time drugless, but if not 300-600mg Neurontin helped me fall asleep and once I'm asleep I am like in a coma so that is usually my only problem, the falling asleep part. So as I said, I took 600mg at 11pm. By 1 I am still awake. I take another 600mg. Then at 2:15 before I started writing this, I took another 300mg. I would have taken more, but I have to be up early for the dentist. Why the hell am I not asleep? It can't even be blamed on Adderall, because I can seriously take a nap after taking it. It doesn't really keep me awake, just wakes up my brain a little... but if I want to sleep, usually I can do so easily even if I just took Adderall. I think it just comes down to, plain and simple, that I am a night person! I am nocturnal, and I can't help it! I fucking tried to go to bed "like a normal person" so as to fit in with this new arrangement in the house, but I just can't. So I am alone with my thoughts, and nothing to distract me from thinking these awful things that keep running through my head. I wish it were morning already. Yet I dread the morning. It means another day like today. Today wasn't that bad. But somehow, it was awful. I don't know. I am not making any sense. And I am still as awake as I was when I started writing this. I yawn, constantly, but I cannot sleep. Every day and night I yawn incessantly and it's so annoying. I seriously have hypersomnia, which I found out is an actual condition, "excessive daytime sleepiness" lol. Yep, that's me. Even if I get 16 hours of sleep, I will be tired and sleepy the next day. It is the same with 10 hours, 8 hours, 6. Whatever is "normal" or "good" I will still feel the same -- shitty and sleepy.

I think I've bitched and moaned for long enough. Gonna save this before the computer crashes or does something similar. And, again, I am faced with the dilemma of not wanting to flush a toilet this late, because it is loud. If I did not have to share my bathroom, I could not flush. Again, a small thing but I want it so badly right now. My toilet, and mine alone. I can pee 10 times during the night and I don't have to flush until morning. I mean seriously, what a waste of water that would be considering my piss is basically water anyway. Sorry to be so crude. Eh... I think I better not post this at diaryland ;) I am seriously rambling I know but I am just mad that I am awake in a sleeping house with anxiety that is hitting the roof and I can't even DO anything, because there are PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND NO PRIVACY BUT IN MY ROOM AND NOTHING TO DO IN MY ROOM! fuckit.