: : : October 17, 2003 : : :
{I got the quotes from a poem I wrote-- the whole passage was: �So beautiful, but so enslaved... Trapped inside one�s mind, unable to escape the nightmares.�}
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I�m trying out this blogging feature on my new Macbook�s �iWeb� software. I�m enjoying changing the layout around... adding pictures, quotes, etc. I might start writing more journal entries if I try to make it more interesting like this. If something involves layouts, pictures, choosing quotes, etc., then I am much more likely to want to do it. And the bottom line is I really need to be writing on a regular basis... I�m doing absolutely nothing to help my current mental state [of chaos, misery, despair...]
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So. Today�s Tuesday. It�s almost Wednesday though -- not like that matters, but I was just noticing the time and was shocked to see it�s almost midnight. I don�t know where the time goes. I�m always losing track of time, whether it�s because I�ve been awake for four days straight, or been asleep for almost as long. My biological clock has gone from slightly unreliable [that was probably not since middle school] to changing time zones constantly it seemed [I�d say during the high school years] to now... a state of [Irrepairable? It�s looking that way...] complete malfunction, breakdown, system failure. As I mentioned before in regards to losing track of the time [and the day, week, month...], I�ve been completely out of whack with sleeping [and eating, but what else is new???]. I�m back into my habit of staying up all night. Unfortunately, this behavior has gotten worse in that when I stay up all night, instead of going to bed early and trying to catch up the next night like I used to do, I stay up the next night, too. And the next. Recently I went three or four nights without sleeping. I am almost positive it was four but I am not entirely sure so I say three to four. At least three. And even if it was three not four, that�s still a damn long time to not sleep. How many hours is that... God, it�s 96 hours if it was 4 days, and 72 if it was three. Either way, it�s no wonder that when I finally crash I end up practically going into a coma -- I�m completely out and unwakeable. Whole days pass without my noticing. Wake up, binge and purge in an exhausted stupor, go back to sleep. Wake up 14 hours later, repeat. Sometimes I will wake up more often and attempt to binge/purge but only half-finish [Of course I always puke though... I am so trained in that regard that I am pretty sure I could vomit in my sleep, and probably would if I dreamed I had binged and then thought I hadn�t purged or something similar. Considering I�ve had b/ps without remembering them the next morning, just seeing the evidence, it�s entirely possible that I was asleep, or almost completely asleep, while I did it. Pretty horrifying to think about. I am so out of control. �Normal� for me is to wake up, immediately binge and purge, and then go on to spend the day in an alternation of b/ping, trying to occupy myself with something else, failing and b/ping, repeat. A �good day� would include at least two b/ps -- morning/when I wake up, and before I go to sleep. It�s been a long time since I was able to start my day without binging first. I am so ashamed of myself. I spend so much money on food... I don�t even know how much because I am too terrified to even guess on what I spend weekly, monthly... considering I can spend up to $150 in one day, I think I�m right to be terrified of the totals. Complete wasting of money is just another thing that makes me want to end it all. Another reason why I am a complete waste of a human being. A total failure at life, in every area.
If this sounds pessimistic or depressing, it�s because I am; I haven�t improved on my outlook on life and my depression is as bad as ever. Cameron does not seem to miss me one bit. The fact that he can just cut me out of his life and not even be sad is bad enough, but the possibility that he won�t ever want me back is even worse. Everyone told me he�d realize what an ass he�d been, he�d realize how much he loves me and miss me, he�d want me back. But nothing is going right. Like I said, he doesn�t even seem to miss me. And how can he love me considering the way he�s been the last few months... what he�s said to me, and more importantly, what he hasn�t said. Without Cameron, I don�t have a reason to live. I know it�s wrong to feel that way, and I will never be happy if I am only living for someone else, but I cannot seem to change my view on life. I am miserable and I think about killing myself on a daily basis. Really, I would have done it by now if I wasn�t so afraid of the unknown... I have to be in control, of every aspect of my life, and when I�m not I freak out. So the mystery of death makes me uneasy. I don�t know what happens when you die, and I never will until it happens. I want to know that I will not be as miserable in the afterlife as I am in this one. Really I believe I couldn�t possibly be as miserable as I am living this way but it�s just that �what if� that keeps me holding back, pouring the pills back into their bottles.
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I wrote this poem about breaking up with Cameron, and it was really emotional. Felt cathartic, but it wasn�t enough. I wanted so badly for Cameron to read it, to understand it, to feel sorry. To feel remorse and realize he will never be loved as much by anyone else but me. I really don�t believe it�s possible for one person to love another as much as I love Cameron. I�ve never felt this way about anyone else, not even my mom, whom I love dearly, and I can�t stop the feeling in my heart that tells me we�re meant to be together. That both our lives are not meant to be lived without the other by our side. I know I will never be happy without Cameron, and I can only hope that the belief he felt the same way, even if he didn�t know it yet, is true. What if it�s not? What if he will never love me the way I love him? What if he never realizes we are meant to be together? What if he moves on completely, and never looks back? The day such awful scenarios become reality, I really will kill myself. That would be the end of any hope I had left.
I want to copy the poem here, in case I look track of it ever. I�ve handwritten it into a diary, printed it and stored it in my writing folder, and saved it on my computer. That�s how important it is to me.
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�The Beginning of the End: A Poem to Say Goodbye�
Date, September 26, 2006. Name, Ruth Kee. Age, 22.
I need someone to take some joy in something I do
I need to be needed, I need to give all of myself...
I need to feel that gratitude for being given this love.
What you need you seem to be destined not to find
Someone who seems perfect to you and everyone you know
A Trophy Catch to brag about --
Instill jealousy in people whose love for another
Could never be as flawless.
You won�t see she�s probably missing a screw
Because you only see what you want to see
That is, until you give up --
Until your needs, repressed, beg for what is missing.
You must know I love you...
But I think you never loved my anyway
(How could you, the pain screams inside, if you treat me this way?)
And here's the irony of it all
You're going to walk away intact... but me?
I'll never pick up the pieces of my broken heart
I'll never feel the love I feel for you without the sorrow
Without the pain so intense it takes my breath away
Replacing the feeling of ecstasy that used to leave me breathless.
I wish you were the one to love me more than I love you...
Even if for only a moment, to know what it feels like.
You like yourself and you like
To pretend that nothing phases you
To pretend that you don't feel... when you do.
To pretend that you don't think that love should be a fairytale...
And that you'd give up on someone when that fairytale doesn't come true...
You never really wanted to know me
To discover I'm far from perfect...
Please stop me there
It hurts too much
Writing it... I have to accept it's true.
I think I'm waking up from a nightmare
Like every night I spend screaming at imaginary foes
Raping me, killing me, leaving me... you would shake me awake...
But this isn't one of my dreams
It hurts more than it would, if it were
But still I wonder, is this real?
Because I never thought I could feel more lost, more hopeless, than those times before...
I thought the worst was over
There was light in my black life
But like a sick cruel joke
Someone is looking down on me, laughing
How much hurt can she endure... let's find out
You were the one love of my life, forever and always
And I had to let you go
Knowing I would never have that glimpse of a future again
That love that gave me hope of peace...
I had to let you go, because you would have left anyway
I miss the calm you brought to my heart
I miss your steady gaze
How much you convey with just your eyes.
I miss your touch, so gentle but still
It was unbreakable, the strength you wrapped around me tight
I miss the feeling of being missed, the possibility of someone longing for me...
So if I look like death today,
Then please let him know
I never wanted to do harm to him
I cared more than he will ever know
It's what had stopped me before...
I only wanted him to see
The beauty of the world surrounding him
The love that no one else could give him...
I always wanted nothing but the best for him
Hating myself because I felt I could never repay
The feeling that he gave me to me...
He showed me the road
...He didn't know the path was lost up ahead
He didn't know that it would lead me here...
But when he opens up his eyes
Gone will be the moment, perhaps even years...
And it's too late
Our chance has gone
When I stopped believing.
It's all right, it's ok.
I never really wanted to live anyway.
I think I'm taking that break from life now
Intermission... turned to finale... fade to black
I don't want anyone to see me this way...
Hide my pain, my unaccepted anger,
My words that no one wants to hear.
Silence now, no more crying.
This chapter has closed and there is no more to be written.
Just suck it up, shut up --
And do it like you know you want to...
End.
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Don�t know what else to write. A few notes about today, in no particular order:
+ I took an algebra test and failed it for sure. I�m talking a big, fat, FAIL. 50% if I�m lucky. It�s only our second test. How can I be doing so badly? I do my homework, and I think I understand most of it, and then I get to class and open the test and find myself in a complete stupor -- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!
+ I decided last night I am going into a hospital/treatment program. Mom�s been offering it as an option for awhile now, but I haven�t been able to let myself go because I feel like such a failure already in the school department, and so I don�t want to drop out during the semester, and go back God knows when... but I was thinking about how I could stay in school and still get some intensive treatment, and I realized that I have a really long winter break. The fall semester ends like mid-December, and the spring semester doesn�t start again until mid-January. That gives me a month. A month of intense treatment could do me a lot of good. I�m at the end of my rope. I just hope I can hold out until the semester ends...
*P.S. Some places I�m considering, in case I forget later:
+ Avalon Hills; Residential program [EDs] that has equine/other animal therapy and sounds like a great fit for me. Medically stable people accepted only, so less chance of a million stick-thin anoretics to trigger me. I have to look into it more, see if insurance will help, etc, but first impression from the website is good.
+ Rader; Been here before, obviously... can�t remember my treatment, but from reading my diary I kept sporadically during my stays [3 total?], I really liked their program and benefitted from it. I was just discharged too early, I think that was the reason the help I received in conquering my ED didn�t help me long term. Mom says I really loved the staff. When I look on the website under staff profiles and see the names, I start to remember a little. Just a general sense that I loved the person, though I can�t remember their face or even why I liked them. I just know I did, and that�s enough. Also, Rader takes my insurance, so I won�t have to pay completely out-of-pocket. I don�t know if they�ll let me come back, though :(
+ Menninger Clinic in Houston; Some relative of Eileen went here for bulimia and she�s bipolar. Apparently it really helped her and she liked it there. From what I�ve read about the ED program though, I�m not too sure it would be a good fit for me... you can�t even choose your menu until you are at like the top level of privileges which most people never even get to from my past �level� experience... It sounds very strict in regards to �compliance� -- like they don�t let you ease into eating all your meals like Rader [well, from what I can tell Rader was like from my diary -- it sounded like they were very leniant about how much you ate, how much time you could have for meals, weight gain, etc.]... Also I�m not sure if it would be a triggering place -- a lot of emaciated anoretics. It�s why, if I decide to do an ED program at all [still considering just depression treatment], I�m leaning toward residentials/places where you have to be medically stable to be admitted. Less chance of being the fattest one there.
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Ok, I�m going back to the millions of beads I have spread out on the living room floor. Hopefully I�ll actually make something...
+ Ruth +