when life is a numbers game...

:: before :: June 07, 2003 :: after

I just got home a little while ago from seeing X-men [for the second time]. I love that movie! But I am so exhausted. Before we left I was so tired I couldn't walk in a straight line, but it was my idea to go... I thought maybe I was just "groggy" still, though I had woken up six hours prior... I am just so tired lately that it's scaring me a little. I am just always tired no matter what. Not just sleepy, not just groggy, but thoroughly exhausted. Like I have just ran a marathon or something. What's wrong with me? I'm purging less [with the exception of yesterday...], and eating more. Not just salad, either. I'm drinking my Boosts and today I also ate some candy and a V-8 and half and orange. This constant tiredness didn't just start, it's been going on for awhile, but it just seems to be getting worse, even though I'm keeping more down now. I could sleep all day, and then all night... I swear. Even if I wasn't asleep I would just lay there and be too tired to move. I downed 32 ounces of diet coke and a pack of sour straws [190 cals! yikes] and felt a little better... a little more energetic... but still the same pull of my body downward. The inertia. I didn't want to walk from the car to the movie theater. Too far. Made myself, of course. I was so relieved to get to the seats. I didn't want the movie to end, because it meant getting up again. I sound like such a lazy slug but I really am as this tired... it's beyong laziness [though I don't deny I am lazy]. I feel to tired to even go check my PMs, my email. It's just too much. Blah. I hate feeling like this! What's the point of getting fat eating more if I'm still as lethargic?

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I got some pictures of my new dress up. The black and white ones are crappy quality, I apologize. I took those with a non-digital camera and it's not a great one. It was the only camera with film in it. I love b&w usually, but these turned out bad. Anyway, these are the URLs for those two:

click

Here are a few more I took with my digital camera [I finally found my memory card!]:

[that dark spot near my shoulder is a bruise]

[that thing by the left strap is the dress holder, not part of the strap]

This was the first one I took... can you tell I have never used the self-timer before? Hehe]

[a close up in attempt to show what it actually looks like... didn't turn out great though. my dress looks navy in all these pictures, but it's actually black with white stripes

[you can see my new shoes in this one, though you can't tell that they have sparkles on the wider strap over the toe, hehe. plus this is one of my new tank tops]

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I can tell I'm bigger. I look bigger. I am not handling this too well... but am trying to tell myself that most people would still think I'm too thin [right???]. But it's really hard to accept. I'm too afraid to know what I weigh. So I will just not go near the scale I guess. I feel gross :( And my hair looks so yucky. I am going to re-dye it before I go, of course. The red is fading but it won't fade out completely so I'll either have to dye my hair red again or dye it blonde, because there's no way I'll get back my natural blonde color by this Thursday [when I leave]! I think I'll do red, because it seems to make my complexion a little less pallid looking. Who am I kidding it will look bad either way... but that's life I guess. *Yawn* There I go again - another countless yawn. I should go to bed, I know...