There are only 3 other patients on the ward with me. I have my own room. Even if the unit were more full I would still have my own room because I am not allowed to share a room because I�m over 18 and this is an under 18 unit. I guess they think that somehow I am �dangerous� to other patients because I�m 19 and not 17. I look pretty hostile don�t I? ;) Anyway, 3 other patients. I�ve learned a little about them because I have had one group therapy session since being moved here this morning at 11. Only 2 of the patients were there though, the 3rd slept through it. There�s Ruby, David, and another boy whose name I haven�t learned yet. They didn�t say their ages but I think that David is 16 or 17. He looks 17 maybe. In any case I know he�s under 18. Ruby is younger, probably no older than 16. Maybe not even� maybe she�s 15. Group therapy was very uneventful. Fat counselor dude, whose name I do not know because he mumbled it and I didn�t bother to ask him to repeat it, seems inexperienced with eating disorders. I say this because of our little �chat� after the group session. I guess that was supposed to be my individual therapy appointment? It was in the main room (where meals are, as well as groups, apparently, and where the TV is), where Ruby and David were, so it was not at all private, plus we only talked for about 5 minutes before he left to take a phone call, then came back, and left again after 5 more minutes saying we�d talk later (I�m doubtful, and frankly I don�t even want to talk to him again, EVER). Anyway, back to the group. I thought that we�d have to explain why we were there� but that didn�t really happen. I never got a clear-cut reason why Ruby or David were there, although counselor guy didn�t hesitate to explain why *I* (gee thanks) was there. �Ruth is here because she�s very thin.� is how he introduced me. What the hell?! I can�t believe this guy is even working here � Ruby pointed to me and said �I used to be like her last year. I was really skinny and I didn�t eat. But then I got sick of it and started eating again.� Um, ok. Thanks for sharing. She didn�t say this to me (hence the �her� instead of �you�) nor was this really any sort of an �I understand� type of statement so I wasn�t really sure what to make of that. It was really weird and felt like some kind of lame TV movie on Lifetime. The sort of thing I would watch and say �That�s not how it is! This is so fake!� � the stuff the counselor said sounded straight from a script (a poorly written one at that) and the questions he asked were so pointless that I found the hope that this hospitalization would be even a little helpful (and that I had made the right choice to move from the adult ward to the adolescent) slipping away. Ruby is now overweight. Apparently she made the switch from not eating enough, to eating too much (that is, if she were ever as skinny as she says, how would I know for sure, and I really don�t care, I�m just saying). The third patient, I found out from David, was another teenage boy. I didn�t see him until lunch, which was a few hours ago. I saw him go into lunch, but that�s it, since I didn�t yet have my lunch so I ate alone, after everyone else. There was no lunch tray for me since I guess the staff hadn�t told the kitchen I had moved wards, so Allen (guy who searched my bags earlier) told me to just order off the menu and they�d call it in. So I was left in the common-type room staring at this hospital menu card, not having a clue what to order. This was the same type of problem I had over on the adult ward. I guess they just expect me to order meals that are not only healthy and balanced, but also enough calories to gain weight (I assume?) on, AND eat snacks without being prompted to. Just to �help myself� to these snacks (there�s a bowl of oranges, apples and bananas, plus chips, granola bars, and lots of apple and grape juice in the fridge) and order all my meals and eat them. This just panics me. I was way too embarrassed to ask for my dinner last night, way too embarrassed to just go in the kitchen and eat something (What if someone SAW?! *yes I know this sound stupid* Or what if I ate too much and regretted it and needed to purge? Could I? The realization that I probably could purge and get away with it made it worse because then I was afraid I would eat something intending to puke and then not be able to or something�), and today I was faced with the same sort of dilemma. I�m staring at this menu not knowing whether to order something I deem �safe� (well, partially so, since nothing is really safe anymore except pickles and salad prepared a certain way, which was not on the menu obviously) or if I should try to guess what a nutritionist would order for me, if one were actually working with me (where is the fucking nutritionist anyway?!). Should I order a big meal, like I assume I�m supposed to be eating, to gain on? But how can I justify that in my mind, when no one is making me eat/order that? Will they all think I�m a pig if I order a �normal� meal? Will they scoff that I am not eating-disordered at all? Why do I even care? I don�t fucking know! But all I knew was that I had no idea what the fuck to order. I ended up telling Allen I didn�t know what to order. He looked at me like I was stupid or crazy (or both) and just said �Whatever you want!� in an impatient tone. After more time I said �Fruit salad� and he said �OK, what else?� more pondering. �Can I have a soda?� Allen says yes. �Diet?� he says �Sure.� (Wow). More thought. More �What else� from Allen. Finally, �A cup of the �vegetarian vegetable� soup.� And then he says ok and goes to call the order in. Lunch comes, and what do you know, it�s not what I ordered. Here�s what I was given: A diet Pepsi (they got that right), a plate of fruit salad (nasty looking, but technically correct) served the hospital way on the stupid wilted lettuce leaf (WHY, OH WHY, DO THEY THINK THAT IS APPETIZING? lol), some cottage cheese on the side of the fruit salad, a plate of spaghetti with cheese and meat sauce on it, and a cup of a creamy-looking tomato soup. I ate most of the fruit because I was fucking starving by this point. I hadn�t eaten since� uh� let me think. Well I had a b/p over 24 hours before I was admitted, and after that I didn�t eat again until the waiting room where I ate the aforementioned fruit and candy which I then purged� other than that nothing so it had been quite a while and anyway, I was hungry. So I ate the fruit, � a spoonful of the soup which I decided definitely had fat in it and was gross tasting anyway (I actually like tomato, and cream of tomato, but this wasted really odd) and my Diet Pepsi. If they had given me the right soup I would have eaten it, but of course they didn�t. And I don�t know what�s up with that plate of spaghetti but whatever.

I�m feeling sleepy all the sudden. Maybe I�ll write later. But it�s a pain in the ass because they CONFISCATED MY DIARY. It has to be kept at the nurses� station cause it was a spiral edge! I�m paranoid that someone will read it. Anyway, I have to write in it only in the common/main room so I only like to do so when no one else is in the room. I had a nice chunk of time just now cause everyone else was in their rooms but I don�t know if that will happen again.