Written while on the adult psych unit:

17 July 2003 9pm

Dear Diary,
Today I was admitted to Mills Peninsula Hospital's psychiatric unit. That's where I am now. I'm on the adult psych unit this time but I am hoping I will get to move to the adolescent unit tonight or tomorrow... because right now everyone is so much older than me, and no one has an eating disorer. There is this really old man who has been sitting on a couch in the dark for a very long time. Just staring straight ahead. I think he's catatonic. Earlier a middle-aged man and an older woman were here visiting with him. I think his wife and son. But then visiting hour ended [7pm-8pm] and now he's all alone again. Just looking at him makes me depressed. This whole unit does actually. He didn't respond at all when his family was here but he's even more sad-looking now. I think he was crying earlier. I'm sitting a little bit aways from him now and I can hear these crying noises but it doesn't look like he's actually crying... I don't know... I try not to look at him because it's just too depressing.

The other patients, as far as I can tell, are the following: a young guy who looks about 20-something, no more than 25, is wondering around aimlessly [like most people; there is absolutely NOTHING TO DO]. I don't know anyone's name because I was not introduced to anyone. So he's "pot-belly guy" to me since that's the most prominent thing about him considering no one is talking to me (or anyone else for that matter). Then there is a woman who also looks to be in her early 20s and she's dressed in a hospital gown and these hospital pj pants. Oh, side note: I just found out the old guy's name is John because a staff just came to give him his meds and called him that. Ok, so there's John, pot-belly guy, hospital gown woman, and another guy who looks about 22 who has on a yellow ski hat. He's really burly looking and has a beard. I haven't seen anyone else yet. Johanna and Mom left about an hour ago and I've been sitting here pretty much in the same spot since then. Nothing else to do. Oh, and there's my roommate who I just met. She is also very old, like John. I'd say she's at least 75, probably 80. I was introduced to her but I am not sure of her name.... LaVerne??? I'll call her that for now. I was showed my room about 20 minutes ago, where I met "LaVerne" and it smells like fucking piss. I'm not kidding... it has a VERY strong urine smell. How lovely huh? It was too awkward sitting in there on my bed, across from this 80 year old stranger, so I came back into here, the common/sitting/main room (don't know what else to call it). I just saw another young-ish man... he looks kind of like the pot-belly one (I don't have my glasses on so that's probably why) so I thought they were the same guy at first. They both have on the same kind of t-shirt in the same color and both have dark hair so to me they look just the same lol. Everyone is kind of a blur since I'm back in the corner and can't see too well from a distance w/o my glasses/contacts. I'm just bored beyond belief and could think of nothing else to do but write in here since one of the two books I brought is turning out to be a bad read and the other book I'm just not in the mood for. Here's a break-down of my day so far (very uneventful I'm afraid):

2:00pm: The time my intake assessment was. I met with a man in the same room as last time when I met with Wendy. This time I saw a guy named Chris though, because I guess Wendy doesn't work today (I was disappointed, because she was so nice and reminded me of Jennifer, my old therapist from Stanford). He asked all the same questions as before, plus some others that Wendy never asked, probably because they were so fucking stupid. For example, after asking about my friends he asked what they "say" about my "eating problems" and so I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to say to that, so I told him how Mia thinks I should go to Renfrew. He didn't even know what Renfrew was. I said it was a residential treatment facility, and he looked confused. Then he said "So she thinks you should not have this eating disorder?" LIKE, NO SHIT! What do you THINK, that she WANTS me to be anorexic?! What a fucking idiot... he also asked me, after I told him how many laxatives I take when I do take them, "Wow. What is that like?" I don't know what the hell he expected me to say. It's like, should I describe how much they make me shit, or what?! He acted like some kind of intern. Maybe he was. Anyway, afterwards he took me back to the exam room to take my vitals. The cuff was too big but he kept on trying to take my blood pressure anyway. Finally they just held the cuff in place since there was no velcro on the part of the cuff that there needed to be for it to fit me. 80/50 was the final verdict. Pulse = 60. Then he said he'd page the doctor to come admit me (a doctor has to sign the papers) and to take a seat outside. So it was back to the waiting area where I sat with my mom and sister for a very, very long time. We were in those chairs for hours waiting for a doctor. I had the same problem as last time -- several docs declinded to take me as a patient. No one wants an anorexic patient, that's pretty damn obvious. In all this time, Chris never came out to say what was taking so long. He was back in the office this whole time behind the locked door. It was seriously three hours before he came out to say that he couldn't find a doctor to admit me but had finally found one. So then he said it wouldn't be much longer since he had found a doctor. But it was still a long wait. In the meantime, through all this waiting, Johanna and I had gone down to the giftshop, then back up to the third floor [where the psych unit and CD (chemical dependency) units are], then back down to the cafe, then back up... lol. I ate quite a lot of candy which I felt stupid about doing later and didn't end up purging all of it but oh well. I had two Tootsie Pops, plus two chewy Sweet Tarts, which I think totals 220 cals. At first I decided that was ok because I hadn't eaten anything that day except some pickles but then felt sick so I went and puked. I didn't bother rinsing though so I am sure I didn't get all the calories out. Later after I had puked most of that sugar out of me I ate some fruit salad which my sister brought back when she went to get herself a Coke at the cafe [that was sweet of her considering I didn't even ask for it, and was happy to have it]. I ate the honey dew and the red grapes out of the cup. Eventually, I was brought into the unit. It was almost 7pm by that point. The sitting/common room is pretty big. Thre are about 20 armchairs and 2-person couches scattered and then there are 5 tables which I think is where meals are eaten. I'm not sure because no one gave me dinner. They weighed me and I was 78 pounds! Uggh. I am disgusting. My only consolation is that I did have that fruit in me, and pickles, and had drank Diet Coke as well. But still... I am fucking huge. I mean I was 74 not too long ago. I wasn't given dinner, I guess, because it was served at 5pm or something. But if they really thought I needed to gain weight I am sure they would have bothered to bring me my dinner (the guy who took me into the unit knew I had been waiting since 2pm so I don't see how he could not realize I had missed dinner on the unit) or a can of Ensure or something. Obviously, they are in aggreement that I'm not very underweight. I fielded some "why are you here" type questions, which always make me feel like shit. I wanted to turn right around and leave but I couldn't at that point because the ward is a locked one so I was stuck in there unless I wanted to go through all the discharge papers etc. And I knew my mom would kill me if I did that since I had not even been there an hour yet... but anyway, he made me feel like I didn't need to be there. He also didn't seem to think I was depressed. I am not even sure what his job is exactly. I think he is a "mental health worker" or a counselor or something. He's not a nurse, and he's not a therapist...? Anyway, apparently if you do not say "I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" you're not depressed. Like, hello, I'm smart enough to know that if I say I'm suicidal, they will put a hold on me and I can't leave if I choose to. So I kept my mouth shut about that. It doesn't take a genius to figure out how this system works. Anyway, after all the same type of question as Chris asked me, this guy, named Dave, told me I could go "visit" with my family if I wanted (my mom and sister were sitting a little ways away because I didn't want to answer these questions in front of my mom, like "what do you weigh" and "how often do you purge" etc) and went back to the nurses station to file the papers. He asked me if I wanted some tea so I said sure and found out that they have sugar substitute [generic Equal - no cals] so that was cool. But when he brough the tea back it tasted really sickeningly sweet and when I asked what kind of tea it was he told me he had added cranberry juice. Yuck! Like I am stupid enough to just drink that and not notice?! Some people really think it's that easy to fool people with EDs -- like they can just slip sugar or juice into herbal tea and we won't notice?! LOL. So obviously I didn't touch that. I would have eaten some dinner if I had been given it, I just don't like to drink liquid calories in the form of juice, etc. Anyway, I went and sat with my mom and sister in that main sitting room where I am now and looked around at the other patients who were talking to their own visitors. Later they had to leave, because it was 8pm, and Dave showed me where the kitchen is where they keep "snacks" that I can "help myself to" -- again, they don't seem to understand that I need more structure than that. I am not just going to "help myself" to a box of cookies or chips. Not if I'm being watched, that is. I need to have a set meal plan, and to know how many calories I'm being given... I was told I would be seeing a dietician or a nutritionist that night. That never happened though. I am tempted now to go get an apple or an orange but no one is recording what I am eating/not eating so I can't justify it in my mind. Especially since I figure I'll have to eat three meals tomorrow and the prospect of all those calories is freaking me out. One nice thing about the unit though is that family/friends can bring me food, drinks, candy, etc. Unlike Stanford where it's all restricted and nothing outside is allowed. I can have tea with CAFFEINE, or coffee, and like I said sugar substitute, so that's cool that I'm not required to drink only calorie-filled liquids, or water.

So here I sit with my grumbling stomach, listening to Coldplay and trying not to cry. I feel so alone. In all honesty, it really sucks here. I thought I was lonely before? It was nothing compared to now... Dierdre kept saying over and over that I "deserved to let someone help me" and that I should come into the hospital to not feel so depressed and really I just feel MORE depressed. There was supposed to be a group at 8pm but there wasn't. Either that, or there was, but no one bothered to tell me where it is. All I know is that after visiting hours the patients went back to their rooms, or somewhere, except John and a few people wandering around looking extremeley vacant and bored. I feel like an unwanted house-guest here. I can't "settle in" because I feel too awkward in my room and my roommate was in bed when I met her at 8, and looks like she's about to fall asleep so I don't want to go in there and have the light on... so I just came back out here because I didn't know where else to go. By now she is probably asleep so I guess I'll just sneak back in there later when I get kicked out of here for "bedtime" (my schedule says that is at 10:30, we'll see...) and change in the dark. I really want to take a shower but I am too uneasy and shy to do anything. I don't want to bother "LaVerne" or whatever her name is. I wish I were tired, so that I could sleep through this nightmare. But as usual I am wide-awake and I know this is going to be another night of insomnia. At least sleeping would pass the time. And I could sleep through this knawning hunger. I am dreading 10:30, if that is indeed when I will be forced to go to bed...

Later (10:30pm):

I'm back again. I left because Debbie (my stepmom) called. The phone situation here sucks. There are two phoines on the wall of the main common room but they're out in the open so you can't have a private conversation. When someone calls, a patient picks up and announces who the call is for. That hospital-gown-wearing-woman picked up and was really rude to me. "Ruth?! RUTH?! SOMEONE IS ON THE PHONE FOR "RUTH"" she shouted out in this bitchy tone. Uggh. Anyway, I was so lonely I took the call even though I normally hate talking to Debbie on the phone. I couldn't help it... at the hearing of a familiar voice I just lost it and started bawling because the reality of my situation had finally sunken in and I realized how fucking depressing this place is and I just want to go home. So now she'll probably think I'm a fucking basket case and deserve to be in a locked unit like this. Great. When I couldn't speak properly anymore due to all my crying I made up an excuse about having to go have "snack" (right, like anyone even bothered to get me one) so I could get off the phone. Then I called my sister at home. I just got off the phone with my mom (before that I was talking to Johanna) and she is going to call the nurses station and ask when I am going to be moved to the adolescent unit. And when I'm going to see the doctor, who I still have not seen. I guess he just signed the admit papers in some other area of the hospital, because I never actually saw him...

18 July 2003 8:15am

I stopped writing last night because I spent the right of the night on the phone crying to mom and Johanna. When my mom called the nurses station the nurse was really rude and just said I "would see the doctor shortly" and that she would "do her best to move me to a private room" since I felt awkward with my elderly roommate. But she never did that. I saw several empty rooms, too. She also never came over to me (20 feet away on the phone, crying and obviously upset) to tell me that I would be seeing the doctor soon. I only found out she said that through my mom.

Now it�s sometime around 8am. I was woken at 7am by a nurse taking my temperature, pulse and blood pressure. But once again the cuff didn�t fit (what did they expect, my arm to expand by 4 inches overnight???). The nurse said she was going to go get a child�s cuff and be right back. On the way out she said �And breakfast is here. So go eat yours.� She never came back. Some guy came in a few minutes later saying he needed blood. He was really gruff and rude. I was so tired that my eyes were these attractive little slits and, impossible as I thought this was, the bags under my eyes were even bigger than usual. I didn�t fall asleep until after 4:15am. That�s the last time I checked my watch and I�m guessing it was sometime around 4:45 I finally dozed off. Because there was nothing else to do and that nurse, I thought, would be back in a minute I wandered out to the common area looking for breakfast. No one was eating, somehow they had already eaten because there were a lot of used trays. I looked on the cart but only saw eaten trays, no fresh ones, and there was no label with my name on it so I didn�t know where my tray was. I decided to get some tea and maybe a piece of fruit but the kitchen was closed so I just went back to my room�that brings me to now. Well, since it looks like I won�t be eating breakfast I might as well just go back to sleep.

18 July 2003 11:05am

I just returned from �exercise� which is some kind of movement therapy. The instructor was so sickeningly upbeat I wanted to gag. I also had to keep from laughing when she would ask questions from the patients and get either no response [catatonic John], or an incomprehensible babbling [�Jerome� � someone I didn�t see until this morning], or a rude retort [everyone else but a few patients]. She would pretend she hadn�t heard it and just answer for them. Like, when she asked each of us to �pick a favorite stretch� to �share with the group� at the end, and there would be no response from the person she had asked, she�d go like �Oh, leg stretch?? Ok, ankle circles? Good one!� LOL. That group was from 10am to 11am but we started a bit late because people kept coming in [well, being dragged in by various nurses is more accurate] late. I only went because my roommate [who I found out is named Verna, not LaVerne] that although they are �optional� if you don�t go, someone will pop in your room every few minutes bugging you to go. And so I didn�t think I would be able to sleep much plus at this point I couldn�t fall back asleep even though I was exhausted, so I went. Now I�m sitting on my bed doing nothing again.

That same nurse who never returned to take my blood pressure again just came in and said they�re moving me now, to the adolescent ward. So I have to go pack up my stuff and move. I�ll write after I get settled on the other side [the adolescent is joined to the adult ward, just separated by another locked door].