I�ve been here two weeks today, and for the most part, I�m really glad I�m here. Overall the program is good, and without a doubt it�s the best program I�ve been in. I�m still abstinent from purging and am getting used to keeping food down. I�m on a new medication which helps me digest faster, called Reglan. I can really feel it working; instead of being extremely full and bloated after even a small meal, my food passes through my stomach faster and relieves the discomfort. That, along with my twice-daily Zelnorm (for Irritable Bowel Syndrome), seems to be making a difference but I�m still constipated as hell which fucking sucks. I had to get an X-ray to see the extent of it today and I�m having to take enemas three times a week. I just want my body to fucking WORK CORRECTLY!

I�m up to 80mg now of Prozac, as well as 75mg of Effexor, 125mg of Topamax twice a day, Buspar (I forget how many mg) twice a day, and Trazadone to sleep. I feel so much better mentally. But I�m afraid that�s because of the combination of meds and being surrounded by so many loving, supportive people. At home I know I won�t feel this good. I wish I could stay here forever where I�m safe.

My meal plan is so huge, the dietician, Laura, is clueless. I�m not ever going to eat 100% if my meal plan is this big, because I know I gain on less than 100% of this. I�m relieved that all my clothes are still fitting the same but I can see the weight gain. Probably not more than 3 pounds, but it�s still stressing me out to not know what I weigh. Getting weighed here is AWFUL because the scale is HUGE because it has to be strong enough to weigh like 800 pound people, so it�s industrial strength or something. You have to stand on it, backwards, for what seems like forever (probably 45 seconds) while the nurse balances it. I don�t know why it takes so long, but it�s agonizing. Just standing on that big scale makes me feel like an elephant. Fortunately, we�re only weighed on Wednesdays at 5am. That�s coming up tomorrow� uggh. By Sunday I am already worrying about the weigh in, so I just want to get it over with.

I�ve been writing diary entries this past week, but I have lost them all. My notebook is missing. I was writing in my notebook where I do my assignments/notes instead of in here. I hope I can find it. Things have a habit of disappearing around here. I�ve had several things stolen from my room. I think Magda is the culprit. God I hate her. She talks shit about me all the time and is trying to convince Siobhan not to be friends with me. Siobhan thinks she�s full of shit and annoying as hell though, so I guess I needn�t worry about that.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Dear Diary,

This morning I had what I realize will be my last session with Dr. Mendiola, since he isn�t here on weekends and its Friday today. I�m leaving on Sunday. I�m not sure yet if it�s going to be AMA or not. My insurance is cutting me off a few days after Sunday (my mom wants me to leave Sunday because it�s more convenient), but Dr. Mendiola wants me to stay �another month or two.� I really like Dr. Mendiola, though I admit I have gotten angry at him during some of our sessions. I know he gets frustrated with me because he cares about me. That�s what he told me, and when he said that I actually believed him. I�m still surprised I believe him since I am such an incredulous person, especially when it comes to professionals and/or people telling me they care about me. Yesterday I thought he was mad at me (he doesn�t want me to leave) but today he said �I�m not mad at you. I was just frustrated. Because I care a lot about you.� We also talked a lot about how I had changed since I go to Rader, and he told me a lot about his first impressions of me. He said he could tell immediately that I was a �very intelligent, intense person� and that he worried I would be �the most difficult patient I have ever treated.� LOL. I am one stubborn cookie aren�t I? He hugged me, and I felt so warm. I feel like I am about to start crying, and I don�t know why.

I know I�m not ready to go home, but I want to. Yet at the same time, there is a longing in my heart to stay here forever where I am safe. I know that the part of me that is wanting to leave is my eating disorder. The only reason I want to go is because I don�t want to gain any more weight. I feel the grip the eating disorder has on me loosening, ever-so-slightly, but still the fact remains that it is loosening, and that scares me.

Jenna, my roommate, left this morning. I�m going to miss her. I hope I don�t get another roommate before I leave. Jenna went home because she was only getting worse here. She had stopped purging but she wasn�t eating enough. She ended up becoming more anorexic here, so though she may have kicked bulimia she is still very much into her eating disorder. Her parents are so supportive she thought she would do better at home and would eat more there than she would here. I agree that this environment can be really triggering. I do think she�ll do better at home. She wants me to call her when I get out so we can hang out this summer and when she goes back to Chico (for college) I might go up there to visit her, because it�s not that far.

I don�t know what will become of me when I go home. I have had four weeks of abstinence from purging. I haven�t had the urge to binge & purge in a long time, weeks actually, but I worry that the only reason that I am able to not binge and or purge here is because I am not constantly faced with food. Our meals are cooked and prepared for us, we eat them, and then all traces of food disappear until the next meal (not including the supplement bars). There is no kitchen to enter, no refrigerator to peer into, looking for something to fill the emptiness within. I think that because I know it�s not an option (to binge), I don�t even think about it. And I am able to not purge because I am restricting enough where I feel OK with the amount of food I am digesting, because I know that I am not gaining anymore. I want to lose weight, however, and most likely my attempts to do so will eventually lead me back to purging. The logical choice, of course, is to accept that I don�t need to lose weight and in fact need to continue to gain, and if I were to try to do so I probably would be able to stay abstinent from purging�. but there is still that intense drive within me to be thinner. I must be thinner. I am too much.

And with those thoughts I now have to go to lunch :-/