My day has been going pretty well so far. Except that I didn�t sleep well. I refused my Trazodone & Topamax last night in the hopes that I would be more awake today, because I was thinking six hours of sleep is not enough to not still be sleepy from the 150mg of Trazodone and 150 mg of Topamax. So I thought I�d feel more rested if I could just fall asleep. But that didn�t work because I woke up about 20 times last night!
We did pilates this morning at 6am. If you want coffee you have to get up at 5.30, and it�s decaf! I was up basically since 3.30 though, so I got up at 5.30. After that we did pilates and it was my first time doing it. I liked it a lot but it was pretty hard. It was a 45 minute video. Right after that we had breakfast. I ate:
Breakfast = 180
Lunch sucked because I ordered a �Mediterranean vegetarian wrap� which *sounded* good, but it actually consisted of a bunch of smushy vegetables in a gross-looking wheat tortilla. I picked out the eggplant and left the rest. I was mad because they gave me two servings of carrot sticks and I wanted 2 salads. I must have forgotten to circle a veggie on the menu because the dietician had circled 2 carrots for me. I know she did it on purpose because it has more calories! LOL. And dammit I ate them all because I was so hungry and I love carrots. :(
Lunch
a little eggplant from wrap = 35?
Small apple = 60
2 servings carrot sticks = 80? 120?
� cup cottage cheese = 90
Total = 230 � 270 (carrots??)
They checked my blood sugar afterwards and this time it was LOW not HIGH! It was only 48. But I felt ok. Much better than the past few days, anyway. The nurse said I had to drink juice and I fought about that with her for awhile. But she has been so nice to me I didn�t want to give her a hard time so I said I�d have 2 sips. Then she kept saying �2 more� but I finally put my foot down at 6. Juice has been a huge fear of mine for years. It was a 4 oz apple juice so I estimated it to have 60 calories and I had less than half so about 20 calories? Then I found out they have �put me on Bars� from the nurse, which means I have to have a �Promax� bar after breakfast and lunch. I refused it today because I need advance warning on that kind of thing. Usually someone gets put on �sliding scale� before they are put on bars in addition to sliding scale. Sliding scale is when you are required to eat 80% of your meal and if you don�t you are supposed to drink a certain amount of Boost Plus (a supplement). I�m not on sliding scale yet but that�s probably because I�ve been here less than a week. Also the dietician is totally out of it and never meets with us to tell us what�s going on. She never warned me about the bars.
At 3.15 we went on the �weekly outing� which is always a walk to the park and then hanging out there for an hour and a half. I didn�t want to go but Siobhon (pronounced shi-vone) suggested we bring our First Step (of OA; it�s the first assignment everyone is required to do) to work on. We both have been trying to start it but still haven�t. Siobhon is (obviously) another patient here. She lives really near me! She�s almost 19 and really nice. She is a purging anorexic and we have so much in common (besides ED behaviors) � our moms, for example, sound identical. So anyway we got a ride to the park with Jake because we�re lazy ;) Once we got there Brenda (mental health worker in her 20s) was already there with �Judy� who is the woman Siobhon and I saw earlier at the hospital and wondered who she was. She looks so severely anorexic, there is no denying it. And as I found out later, she definitely is and everyone knows it. She was a patient at Rader three years ago. What the fuck is a severely underweight anorexic doing working with ED�ed girls?! This is so ironic. I�m pissed off. Siobhon and I couldn�t stop staring at her at the park. She had on this jumpsuit, and at one point she took off the jacket and just had this tiny tee shirt on� so we could see how tiny her arms are. All she did was smoke and pace neurotically around the park. She didn�t even watch us/the rest of the patients.
When I got back we had a little time before dinner which I spent talking with Siobhon. At dinner, guess who was serving us?! Yeah, anorexic woman. What the fuck. Thank god she went back out of the room after awhile. As usual, I was starving by dinner and angry that I was so hungry.
Dinner
1 slice roasted turkey breast = 150?
1 cup mixed veggies = 100
small apple = 60
salad = 25
Snack
apple = 80
small egg white = 10
DAY�S TOTALS
Breakfast : 180
Lunch : 230 � 270
Dinner : 335
Snack : 90
Juice : 20
----------------------
855 � 895
We got another new patient! Since I got here Tuesday night, up till today (Saturday) there have been four new people! Plus I know on May 2nd a girl from TF is coming. The number of bulimics, anorexics and COEs is 10, 5, and 3, and all the anorexics are the binge/purge type (the only anorexics so far are myself, Siobhon and my roommate Jenna). So I feel very comfortable being honest around these people. I took my meds tonight because I need to sleeeeep! I just hope I am rested tomorrow. Sundays there is family programming. So tomorrow there is an OA meeting that friends and family can come to, and then there is a buffet lunch they are also invited to. Afterwards, there is �family education group� and lastly on the schedule there is �multi-family group�. I�m not sure what happens in there� I hope Danielle is leading it. My mom and sister Johanna are coming tomorrow and I�m really nervous.
Today in process group we did Psychodrama with Meghan where she had to tell the rapist how he hurt her. She was raped when she was 19. I am not sure how old Meghan is; she told me but I forget now. I think 26? I know she is married and lives in Ohio and breeds horses. She said I can come visit! I really want to. If I go to Hocking College I�ll only be a few hours away from her.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
10pm
Friends and family day was pretty disappointing. First off, the OA meeting was great, but Mom and Johanna missed it. The topic was forgiveness and the question asked was: What do you need to forgive yourself for, and what do you need your family/others to forgive you for? That topic couldn�t have been more perfect for my mom to hear. What I said was that I need to forgive myself for not being perfect and for not being where I thought I would be in my life (like going to a really good 4 year college right after high school). I said I need my family to forgive me for having an eating disorder and all the lying it entails, and for not being recovered yet. So I was really upset that they got there just as it ended. Especially because Jenna�s parents come every weekend and always say really great things in the OA meetings, and I wanted my mom to hear her mom speak. As well as everyone else.