About an hour ago I arrived at Rader after being picked up by a staff member named Vicky at the Amtrak station. My train was over two hours late and I�m exhausted; the damn trip took 12 hours when it would have only taken 5 by car. I just got through signing all the admit papers, getting my bags searched and meeting my roommate. Her name is Jenna and she�s also 19. She seems very nice and it turns out she lives near me too. I met a few other girls tonight after snack (I arrived half way through snack time) but have already forgotten their names. It�s been a long day. The nurse who checked me in is named Carol and she seems fairly nice. Damn she is small � I�d guess 4�10�. She just came in to tell me I have to do my nursing assessment right now. I�m so tired because I already took my sleeping meds; I�m so drugged right now that I don�t think I�ll even be able to read this again because it�s so messy. I don�t know how I will stay awake for boring medical questions!

I lasted about 30 minutes of the assessment. Must sleep now. So tired.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Today is my first full day at Rader and so far I think I will like it here ok. We are waiting to go into lunch right now, which is from 12-1pm. When I got here last night it was snack time but it had already started so they didn�t have me go and I did all my admit paperwork and nurse�s assessment then instead. So the only food/meal I�ve had here so far was breakfast this morning. The meals are different than any other program I�ve been in or looked into, in that we only have 3 meals a day and 1 snack at 8:45pm as opposed to 3 meals and 3 snacks. So right now I haven�t eaten since breakfast at 7 this morning and I�m fucking STARVING!!! At breakfast I ate a slice of wheat toast, a hardboiled egg white, an orange and a cup of coffee. My main goal in being here is to stop purging and the bathrooms are not locked/monitored so I hope that I can do it. I keep telling myself purging is not an option. Breakfast didn�t feel safe but logically I know that is so few calories so I am keeping it down. I had a non-select tray and didn�t eat the rest of it. There don�t seem to be consequences for not eating 100%.

(Later) I just got back from lunch. We have about an hour for meals but there doesn�t really seem to be a time limit; I took an hour and 20 minutes at lunch today and the only mention of a time constraint was when I was told that group was starting in 10 more minutes.

My menu was chosen for me again because I haven�t met with the dietician yet. I was supposed to see her this morning and I�m anxious to know what my meal plan is. Plus I want to start picking my meals. For lunch I ate: � cup cottage cheese, a very small plain chicken breast, a small apple and a salad with fat free Italian dressing. I was so hungry when I went into lunch but now I feel so full I want to puke� and I didn�t even eat everything on my tray � I left 2 rolls, 2 packets of butter and � cup cottage cheese. I don�t understand why I�m so full anyway considering I�ve definitely eaten much more than this before!?! But I have to go to group now, so more later.

8.20pm

After dinner there was an exercise education group with Cindy, and then did she taught pilates. I�d never done pilates before and I liked it a lot. I think I suck at it however. We just finished pilates and have snack next.

Dinner was gross. I was given spaghetti which is something I definitely won�t eat. I ate my salad (I�m so glad we get fat free dressings here), a small apple and � cup green beans. I could have ordered a turkey sandwich but I still am on non-select menus because I didn�t see the dietician today. She told me this morning she would meet with me but never did.

I�m so hungry but I guess it�s better than eating more than I might be comfortable with and ending up purging. I haven�t purged at all today which I am happy about except that my stomach looks bloated already despite not having eaten very much.

Jenna, my roommate, is a lot like me. She is also anorexic/bulimic and we do exactly the same thing with eating/not eating. This is her first time being in an inpatient treatment center. She�s been here 2 weeks so far. She really wanted to stop purging also and has only purged once while she�s been here which is encouraging considering she used to purge everything like me. I think we�re going to get along well which is a relief. Not knowing who your roommate will be or if you will get along is so stressful. Having someone to sit next to in groups helped me freak out less. The groups today went ok except that I was so tired I had to fight to stay awake. I knew I was going to have trouble with the schedule. We have to wake up between 5:30 and 5:45am! At 6am we take a 45 minute walk, then have breakfast at 7. I went to bed around midnight last night due to the damn assessment, so it was quite the rude awakening at 5:30 this morning to get my blood drawn.

All of the other patients have been very welcoming to me. I already feel comfortable here and not at all homesick. I guess that just shows how miserable I was at home. My only complaints are that I�m exhausted and Laura the dietician never met with me this morning.

10.00pm

I�m so tired. I would have never believed I could be this sleepy so early. All day long I�ve been struggling to stay awake and can�t wait to go to bed. I estimated my calories for today at 560. I couldn�t rest until I had added everything up; finally I can sleep.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Breakfast:

small egg white
4 oz (lowfat) cottage cheese
6 oz nonfat sugarfree yogurt
1 small orange

Lunch:

3 oz chicken breast
1 cup mixed veggies
small apple

Dinner:

4 oz cottage cheese
4 oz brocolli & cauliflower
small apple
side salad (fat free Italian)

Snack:

3 packets saltines
egg white
small apple

Total = 775

The food here is really �healthy� and low cal. Everything is low fat or fat free so you have to add in your fats which makes it way to easy to just not eat them. Well, that�s how it seems to be for everyone who isn�t a compulsive overeater. When you have to add olive oil to your salad, for example, it�s just way too easy to not do so. Also, when an entr�e DOES have fat in it, obviously, it doesn�t count as a fat exchange ever, just a protein/carb which is stressful when you know you�re eating fat yet you still have to add in more fats.

Everything is sugar free pretty much, except natural sugars like fruit. So I feel ok eating their yogurt knowing it�s Dannon Light �n Fit. It tastes the same so I believe it actually is what the dietician said. Today I found out Rader was first a treatment center for compulsive overeaters only, before they started treating anorexia and bulimia, and Dr. Rader is really anti-sugar. I think it�s a mistake to never have dessert here, though, because that is something everyone needs to learn to eat in moderation if you�re COE or bulimic, and to learn to not be afraid of it if you�re a restricting anorexic. So that bugs me� but oh well. The bread is nasty here cause it�s the kind with those little seeds and things in it. Ew. I miss white bread! ;) I think it�s funny that everyone has 2 veggies at lunch and dinner no matter if they are on weight gain or loss. Isn�t it obvious that veggies and fruits are filling and not going to be helpful in gaining weight?? Lol. I have two fruits and two veggies at dinner, for example. For people on big meals plans I can�t imagine how they can eat everything when they are expected to have 2 fruits and 2 veggies with the carbs, fats and proteins as well. That�s a lot of bulk.

Obviously I�m still obsessed with food� heh.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Today I went on my first morning walk since I�ve been here. Wednesday I couldn�t go because new admits are on Q-15 (15 minute checks) for the first 24 hours, and Thursday I had to have blood drawn. Speaking of blood, my blood glucose has been really fucked up since I got here. I was shaking so bad my doc (well really a NP but she prescribes meds and acts as my doc so I�ll refer to her as such) took my blood glucose, thinking it was low, but instead it was too HIGH! 155! And that was hours after the meal. I was about to go into dinner and hadn�t eaten since noon. What the hell is wrong with me? So I had to have another fasting blood test to check the sugars again on Thursday. It came back normal so thankfully I don�t have diabetes. But that doesn�t explain then why my blood sugar is so wacky�

Anyway, back to the walk. It was hard! Two and a half miles all at once is more than I�ve done in a long time. My hips hurt so badly. I didn�t do the whole walk; Robyn and I rested toward the end at the park. I really like Robyn. We talked about her wedding coming up in October. She invited me to come and I really hope I am able to. She is one of the sweetest people I�ve ever met. She is 30 and has had anorexia since she was around 11 :(

Breakfast

� cup (lowfat) cottage cheese
� cup (nonfat, sugar-free) yogurt
small orange
� cup oatmeal

Lunch

salad with nonfat Italian dressing
1/3 cup tuna
1/3 cup cottage cheese
honeydew melon

Dinner

salad with FF Italian dressing
1/2 cup brocolli
turkey slices
� cup melon cubes
1 slice whole wheat bread

Snack2 packets saltines (50)
small orange
egg white

Total = 805