one should not gain weight on 500 calories a day. but i do. today i was very apprehensive... but i was brave enough to step on the tiny metal platform that has the ability to scare the living shit out of me. it was not kind.

it's happening again. the change in how i see myself. when i first lose a few pounds, like from a pleateau, i see the weight loss, and i am happy about it. i feel almost thin. but then i stay in that range awhile, and i get used to it. and i no longer feel thin. or as thin, which is basically the same thing. i have to lose more in order to get that really thin feeling back again. these "ranges" are like, 2 pounds. it's amazing how much weight loss shows up when you are petite [read: short and very small framed]. it works for gain, too, which sucks. i am not delusional -- a 5 pound gain on a short person looks closer to 10 pounds. there is just less area for that weight to be distributed. anyways, i'm getting off topic. what i meant to write about was how i perceive myself, or something like that. i remember when i hit 83 after it had been awhile. that was late august i think. i felt great. i felt tiny. and for awhile it was enough. don't tell me "duh, it's the anorexic phenomenon, it's never enough, you always want to lose more" it's not that. it's different. it's that i start to get used to the 83 pound body. and it loses it's "newly reached" thin state. i start to think "dammit, i've put on a few pounds!" after a few weeks of not weighing myself, only to find that no, i'm exactly where i was 2 weeks ago, or a month ago, for example. so when i was 83 it was thin, because it was less than 85. but then after awhile it was just the norm. so to gain 2, to be back at 85, was "fat" because it was more than 83. and it makes a world of difference in how i feel :-/

when i finally feel like writing i want to write a lot. saturday and sunday were uneventful. i know i did something... what was that? ah yes, i babysat. for deanna. i have known deanna for most of my life, since i was like 5. she babysat for my sisters and i when we were in elementary school, after my parents divorced and my mom went back to work part time. she was the greatest babysitter ever. i have a lot of fond memories of her sitting for us. anyway, she has babysat on and off since then and now she has 2 kids of her own. bridgette is... god i should know this... 3? and kyle will be 1 this november. he was born on thanksgiving last year :P anyways i think it's pretty cool that deanna babysat me when i was a little girl, and now i am babysitting HER little girl [and boy]! but yeah, i love deanna. so johanna and i went over to sit on saturday night. i took hanna along cause i didn't know if i was up to handling 2 little kids that night. i'm glad i did cause i was so tired. i ended up sprawled on the couch by night's end. anyway, we had a nice visit with deanna, then she left to go to a halloween party and we sat the kids. i brought my "my little ponies" movie and they loved that. gosh i love that movie! hehe. but it was exhausting because a) the kids were NOT tired and had way more energy than i did and just did not want to sleep and b) i hadn't kept anything down that day and so was tired, cold, AND hungry and c) i had barely slept the night before so i was really fucking sleepy. but yeah that was saturday.

monday i had school since i ditched it thursday. i was so afraid to face my teacher because i had like, nothing done. i hadn't been in i think 3 weeks, so i should have had 3 weeks worth of work done, and i didn't even have 1 week... she was nicer than usual though. i think she feels sorry for me now or something. at first she was like that, really nice and supportive in a way... then i think she got sick of me being so behind all the time... and so i was afraid how she would react to me being, once again, lacking in assignments. my mom told her i was really sick though, so maybe she feels it would be just too mean to get on my case. who knows. but it wasn't so bad. i left in a good mood because i was just so relieved i wasn't yelled at. she is cutting some stuff. trying desperately to get me to finish up all this work before the school year is over. i still have my doubts i will graduate on time though. i'm not really that concerned... i will just do summer school. but for awhile i was not sure i would even finish with the extra summer months... i really need to get a lot done this week. speaking of, look what day it is! wednesday! but no, i'm not going tomorrow. bad me. but it's not SO bad. my teacher said i could come monday instead, it was her idea.

so tomorrow's halloween. i'm actually really excited. i'm going to six flags marine world. they have this "fright fest" thing going on. it sounds really fun. going with my sister and mom, because of course i have no friends to do that sort of thing with. but i think i'll have fun. i have been eating way too much candy lately though. today we got our candy and man, too much candy in my house is not a good thing. but vanilla diet coke really is. that stuff is good. i knew it would be :P i had a "to do" list for yesterday and i didn't do any of it. i stopped making those cause i always felt depressed when i didn't get the things done. but this one was only 3 items long, i thought i could do that. wow, i'm a fucking loser. i need to go to sleep now because i need energy to carve pumpkins for hours tomorrow :P i always make them really elaborate.