when life is a numbers game...

:: before :: January 30, 2003 :: after

i'm not even really sure why i'm writing. it's obvious that no one reads this thing anymore. but since i can't keep up a proper paper journal [i have like 5 and each one has just random entries in it, nothing is in order] i guess i might as well just write here. a lot has been happening lately with "treatment" and all that. i saw a nutritionist a few weeks ago. her name is michele vivas and she's a registered dietician. she was really nice. she specialized in EDs but she wouldn't see me again until i was medically cleared and i had a therapist. i still didn't have one yet, not since maurine. she gave my mom a long list of referrals for therapists and a doctor. this will be doctor number 5 haha. all the therapists on the list were full. but through them we got some more referrals. after seeing 2 i decided on the second one. i don't really know yet if it's going to work out, i just know i like her better than the first one so i'll just wait and see. i was under pressure to find out asap cause i can't join the group therapy until i have an individual therapist. anyway, the first one i saw was SO THIN. and when she asked me how much i weighed and i said i didn't know she was like "you don't know?? you don't weigh yourself every day?!" and the way she said it made me feel like i *shuld* be weighing myself everyday, like i should be keeping it in check... i don't know it's hard to explain. i saw her last thursday and even though i didn't really like her i made another appointment just cause i'm bad at saying no. so she made me an appointment for the following tuesday [as in 2 days ago] and that was also the day i was due to see another therapist so i ended up having a double therapy day lol that was hell. but since i saw the second therapist first i was able to tell i liked her better so when i went back to the first therapist later that day i told her i wouldn't be coming back, etc. etc. i hate doing this sort of thing it's so awkward.

so that leaves the doctor situation. a week after i saw the nutritionist my mom called the doctor michele referred us to and it turns out she is on my insurance which is great. my last doctor wasn't and i've been to almost all the ones on my insurance so this is good. the doctor, dr. moffit, was also full though, not taking any new patients. but it turns out that michele vivas had already called ahead to talk to dr. moffit and she talked her into seeing me. so we got my records sent over and such and now i have an appointment today at 4pm with her. scary. i've gone from being in "treatment limbo" for the past few months [and just 3 weeks of therapy before that], not seeing a doctor or anyone, to now having a whole "team" and it's kind of frightening. i know it's for the best but i'm just afraid to trust anyone at this point. i'm sure that they will just leave me. i now have an individual therapist, a group therapist [more about that in a minute], a nutritionist, a doctor, and soon i will have a physical therapist lol. i have to have physical therapy for my shoulder and also other problems i am having from deteriorating muscles and tissue. i'm not looking forward to a physical therapist because i can just imagine some big burly guy seeing little pathetic, un-athletic me show up in all my fat flabbiness and laughing hysterically.

ok, so group. i finally found a teen group for EDs!! it's in concord which is a pretty far drive [45 minutes if traffic is good, more likely to be an hour and a half since the group is at rush hour... uggh] for me, but i'm really excited. i got "interviewed" by the psychologist who runs it and i get to start this monday, february 3rd. there are 5 girls. 4 of the girls are 16 and one is 18. there are also 2 girls who are away at remuda ranch & center for change who are 15 and 17 and they're coming back in february so i guess soon there will be 7.

well it's 1:30 right now... i'm just killing time before the doc appointment. i'm so hungry. i'm beyond hungry... haha that is what the group is called, "beyond hunger"... i feel like my stomach is eating itself up. well it probably is considering the combination of pills i've been taking lately. not great for acid build up. i think i have acid reflux disease as well. i'm going to ask this doctor about taking that prescription, nexium. i don't understand how that pill can heal esophagus erosions, but supposedly it can so that sounds like a good thing to me! oh i gtg now. i have to go buy comet [cleaning lady needs it]. i'll write when i get back from the doc.