March 18. 2003

Today sucked. First off, I was up all night bingeing and purging and trying to get all packed for Tahoe. I was hyped up on Dexatrim by 6am and decided not to sleep, that way I'd sleep in the car and also be exhausted by nighttime, so I could get on a "normal" schedule [of sleeping] for Tuesday and Wednesday nights. But I accidentally fell asleep around 9am. SHIT. I was relying on those morning hours before my 12:30pm therapy appointment to finish packing and get my room semi-cleaned and free of all food and trash remnants, hide journals, etc. [yes I'm paranoid since my mom was not going on this trip obviously]. Instead, I slept until 11:45am when Mom woke me up before she left for work. I decided then that I couldn't possibly go to therapy because I didn't have time to finish packing and cleaning my room before I would need to leave at 12pm. So I called Avis and faked sick. Got her voicemail of course.

Then I b/p'ed. Yeah. Smart. I ate while I manically ran around the house trying to get my stuff together. Stop in the kitchen, grab more food. Back downstairs to vacuum. Grab more food from room. Back to the bathroom to gather toiletries, puke. In an hour and a half I cleaned [half-way, but it was a MESS] and vacuumed my room, purged, hid all trash, washed dishes, and packed! I really hadn't done much of any of those things the night before, despite trying [I kept getting too worked up over eating, or finding myself sitting on the floor staring into space for 30 minutes or more, very productive!].

Dad came to get Johanna and I at 2:30. Then we had a long drive [well not that bad, 4 hours] to Northstar. That's where I am now. The condo we're staying in is nice. It's a ski-in/ski-out condo right on VIllage Run. What sucked most about today was DINNER. We went to this Italian place... it was so fattening. The air smelled fattening. No, I'm not imagining this. You should have seen the menu. [bulimic heaven.] There was absolutely nothing even remotely "safe" on the menu. Even their salads were covered with fattening crap like olives, cheese, oil, etc. Too many condiments to ask them to leave off, they would have screwed up I'm sure. I didn't want to risk it. And I didn't want to eat something and have to purge because I know I woudn't have had time to rinse thouroughly. So I ate nothing. We just had bought groceries at Safeway so I said I'd eat something back at the condo. Dad was such an asshole about it. Rolling his eyes and such. He kept listing things off the menu, like "Won't you at eat ____?" As if I hadn't been able to read the menu myself?! And he wasn't asking in a "concerned" voice at all, but rather a pissed-off, mad tone. God, less than one day and he's already sick of me. What does he expect, taking me to a "family style" Italian place like that? For me to eat bread & butter with olive oil, Ceasar salad, Fettuchini Alfredo and then cheesecake for dessert? Dream on. I'd only eat that if I knew I could puke, and ALL of it.

He was rude to me the whole time at the restaurant and then got mad at me for ordering 2 cups of tea. Just trying to pick a fight... that's just how he is.