March 19. 2003
Weight: FAT!
Food: 2.5 cubes of honeydew melon
Mood: tired, homesick, hungry
It's about 9:15 now. Got up at 8:30. I went downstairs and the smell of Cream of Wheat and hardboiled eggs was overwhelming. I'm so damn hungry. Dad tried to get me to eat one of his fattening eggs or the Cream of Wheat. Lucy made it so I am sure it has milk - and probably 2% - in it. Of course I declined. I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole today [though I want it so badly. With extra milk and lots of sugar, mmmm]. "Then what will you eat? You have to eat breakfast." So I said I'd eat some of the melon I got at the store. Honeydew. It was a little container, already cut. I ate 2 cubes and less than half of a 3rd cube. Then when Dad was in the bathroom I threw out 4 more cubes so it looked like I ate more. It all came back so easily.
I think Dexatrim is how I will survive this trip. 4 yesterday, and I popped 2 more just now. Anything to give me enough energy to stay standing. And ski... god how will I manage that. Just going up and down the stairs a few times this morning has left me tired, breathless. PATHETIC. I have to go get ready. It's 33 degrees. "Warm!" they say. "FUCKING FREEZING!" says I.
2pm.
Well, look how long I lasted! Sarcasm there. We got our rental skis then skiied from 10:15 to 12:45. Then decided to take a lunch break but never went back out. Haha. Johanna and I got lost on the way back to the condo and spent 1/2 hour trekking around in our ski books and carrying our heavy skis [this was on a road, not a run, so we couldn't ski]. Because of that I was exhausted by the time we got back. I had felt I had enough energy to ski more after lunch but then that happened. I nearly collapsed it was just too much. Walking in ski boots and carrying a heavy load is really much harder than just walking. I felt like I had run a marathon or something. And I was so hungry. I am such a pig. I always eat too much. Fat Stupid Pig. A BAG of lettuce, plus salad dressing [5 cals a TBSP, but still], 3 strawberries and a melon cube. STUPID STUPID STUPID! I was going to justify my food on this trip with all the exercise, considering how sedentary I normally am. But only skiing that short while meant that plan was out of the question. I probably only burned off 100 calories! I wanted to throw up so bad. About 40 cals for the lettuce, and the dressing was probably another 30. I don't know cause I didn't have a TBSP measuring thing. I used the cap but I can't be sure. Then maybe 30 for strawberries. I guess that's an overestimate? 5 for the melon? 105 all in one meal... to digest?! I wouldn't care at all if I were puking. I would have eaten the fresh guacamole, the blue corn and sesame chips, the Tostidos, the CHEESE!! the peanut butter on yummy buttermilk bread... the chex. But no, I couldn't :( I did throw up. Just not enough. I only threw up a little, maybe half? of what I had eaten just to make sure it all got flushed ok. If it went well I planned to purge it all. I had tested the toilet the first thing when we arrived last night, analyzing the flush, trying to figure out if it was reliable. It seemed so. But today when I puked, it didn't flush it all down. Bits of lettuce and strawberries remained. So I was screwed and had to stop. And "take a shower" so I could stay in the bathroom and wait awhile to flush again, so as to not make it so obvious what I had done. That rules out barfing on this trip I guess :( I feel trapped already. Scared. What if I eat too much?
6pm.
This trip was a mistake. I want to go home. Food sucks. I am fat and gross. My butt... I want to cry. It is huge and lumpy and obese. I figure why bother trying to tone it, it's hopeless because when I build muscle it just gets atrophied soon after.
I am so ugly. I feel so utterly repulsive. The altitude, or something, seems to be contributing to my already frequent edema. Swollen limbs is not helping my self image. I am boney and shrunken and emaciated to everyone that is "normal" and too fat to myself. They see too many bones, I see [AND FEEL] too much fat. I cannot win. Because if I gain to look better to them, I only look uglier to myself.
Dad is so annoying. And I can't stop the guilt feelings when I am around him. I feel so horribly BAD. I am a bad person. Ugly on the inside as on the outside. THere is nothing to do here. So bored. Ironic since I do nothing at home... but at least at home I feel at ease, not so agitated and full of anxiety. And there is TV and the computer and FOOD. And my art supplies and my wonderful pets. I actually feel like doing that book report too, but I need the computer for it so I'm stuck here doing nothing productive. I am sick my economics workbook, that is out of the question. I have been lying in bed reading or doing homework since 2pm. Not sleeping, just lying here, getting bigger I'm sure. I am a fat, lazy slob. Dad is mad at me, presumably for being the way I am. For being MYSELF. I feel like shouting "This is the way I am so you better just fucking get used to it! If you don't like me acting this way then you should just leave me alone and never make me spend time with you!" He came up here earlier and lied on the bed next to me where I was doing my economics work. I wanted to punch him. I have so much anger unresolved inside me. Most of it I don't know why it's there, where it came from. Why am I so hateful? But with him, I know why. That anger is justified. But I can't figure out how to release it and get it out of me. He rubbed my back. Fucker is just doing that to feel my back, assess it, count the bones. It's not affection.