Dear Diary, I ache all over, how pathetic is that?! I mean I skiied less than half a day. I suck. I was glad I still remembered how though - it had been almost 3 years since I skiied. Actually, even longer! Because the last time I was in the mountains I snowboarded. I guess it's been more like 4 years then. I could tell my legs were a lot weaker since last time and so I had more trouble keeping my skis parallel. I used to be a good skiier. Blue diamonds were nice for me to do, just right. I could do the black diamonds if I wanted but most of them were just mougles and I don't really like to do that so I didn't do many blacks. But I had the ability to. This time, I was embarassed how much I had regressed. And now my legs are screaming at me in agony. It's 8am now. I just went down to get my tea and Dad started right off saying I should eat the honeydrew because it will "be a waste" if I don't because I wanted him to buy it on Tuesday. I also picked out 4 oranges which no one ate. I thought I'd eat one and the others would be eaten. I also brought 5 green apples from home that are untouched. Maybe I'll eat one for lunch. Dad will make a fuss if I skip lunch... I just want to avoid more confrontations. 9am We need to go in a second. Johanna is not coming so I'm stuck with Lucy, Chuck and Dad. GREAT. I don't like Chuck. I don't have time to go into detail about this right now. I dropped the honeydew on the floor and all but 2 cubes fell out. Opps. Honestly, it was by accident. And I ended up being angry I did that because I was hungry and it was the only thing I had decided was ok to eat for breakfast. I ate the remaining 2 cubes and a cup of tea. I know that's negligible cals... so why do I feel like such a fat cow?! I can't keep this much food down, I'm just not used to it. I am still thinking of yesterday's food. 1pm I lasted even shorter a time today. My fingers and toes got colder much quicker than yesterday. Fingers and toes were numb after 10 minutes, then they hit the painfully numb stage. The circulation just stops. It happens often at home without the extreme coldness but that just made it worse here I guess. And it was actually warmer today. At 10am, after just 1 hour on the slopes I went in to "warm up" but never went back out. Johanna didn't want to go out at all and I was content to just stay in with her. Dad acted like this was fine, he wasn't mad, and neither of us "should exert ourselves" because of "Johanna's CF" and what he called "Ruth's medical condition" [*oh please*]. I am not the only one who has a hard time saying EATING DISORDER I suppose. Mom only says it when she must, like when making an appointment with a doctor. Otherwise it's the thing no one will talk about, no one will say it by name. The elephant in the living room. But Dad's "understanding" facade faded and when he came back an hour later to see if we had changed our minds and we hadn't, he got all pissy. I said "I have a headache. And my toes are still numb [they were]. I know if I go out again they will just get worse." to which he said rudely "THEN TAKE SOME TYLENOL!" and I shouted "I DID ALREADY!" and to my toe situation he said "It's really not cold out there at all. It's warmer than yesterday." and that just really got me mad. Of course *he* doesn't care that my toes hurt, that I get cold easily let alone in SNOWING WEATHER, that I just don't feel up to it. Because *he* is not cold. HE has plenty of blubber to keep him warm. No empathy. He acted annoyed with Johanna too. And he is such a walking contradiction. One minute "don't overdo it, don't overexert yourself" and the next he's mad I want to rest? I was glad to see him go out again. I can't wait until we go home. I think we're leaving at 2pm. Johanna and I are passing time by watching Charmed and ER reruns on TNT. We have to wait for Chuck & Lucy to get back, eat lunch, and return all out ski gear before we can hit the road. I want to be home NOW.